it's been two years in change since the last time i posted here. three if you search for any regularity. it makes me nervous to return. in my memory - and somewhat vindicated by a quick glance - every post feels like a jewel, so small and perfect. such well-chosen words and diction. it's pressure, in a way. to type just the right characters here, not too proper or careless. just right. i think it kept me away, to some extent.
but here i am, listening to Modest Mouse, tapping away before bed. this should become a habit. delving into thoughts and brain fodder - cobwebs, i once called it - and processing it internally. spitting it out through my fingers in barely organized but thoughtful speech. everyone should do this.
i wanted to say that i'm happy. right now. well, aside from the sobering solitude and loneliness of rediscovering the blogs that i've had in the past. my dad visited tonight. he was in winston overnight for work. same as every year. so he met Nellie and we got dinner at Foothills and had bearz and came back and drank more and talked and watched baseball and played with the cat. and it was just so great. i'm so even-keeled as an individual. i don't often get very angry or happy or whatever have you. much in the same way that i value more than anything the feeling of wellness when i'm sick or hungover, such that (rarely, when i remember) i really take a moment to appreciate feeling normal and healthy when i'm fortunate enough to feel that way, i'm taking these minutes to appreciate the feeling of happiness that i've felt tonight. when we'd be talking about this or that or just normal boring things. he's been involved in selling a farm. i talk about work or wake forest sports or whatever. a father and a son having a beer and talking about stuff. i'd take a step outside the conversation - still listening - and think about us. admire the situation from afar for just a second. a smile would creep across my face, i could tell. and i felt it, inside. this is just such a Good Thing. i've carried that feeling through the night. i'm sitting here writing because i wanted to give due diligence to this real emotion, this real time of happiness that i'm feeling. my family is really quite wonderful. i know that in the way that i know very many other obvious things but it only helps to stop and appreciate it once in a while.
another happy thing occurred the other night. i was putting Nellie to bed and she was getting anxious, meowing at me. i sat on the edge of the tub and she on the closed toilet seat. i stuck out both hands, facing up, cupped, and she'd stick one paw and then the other on this unstable platform before gathering the courage to step out onto it and walk up my arm toward my face. it's trust. it's a little animal like that and me. it was a nice moment. i smiled, probably.
also, it amazes me all the girls i've probably written about on here. it occurs to me that this blog entered its dead period right before the Margaret period and missed the first year of the Leslie time as well. funny how that works. i do wonder who's next.
that's all. i shouldn't philosophize too hard on my first night back, after all. i hope i keep it up this time. there's a lot of life yet to come.
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