whoever is up there, please don't let me die

there never seems to be a Good Time anymore. not to sit and write. tonight though, as i was laying in bed, it became easy to convince myself to roll out and wander in here. from the bright of the screen, i can't see anything else in the room. feels like being cornered, trapped. i feel that way a lot these days. i've been wanting to get out for a while; i entertain so many thoughts and so much imagination but have yet to do anything about anything. it occurs to me occasionally how impressive things, even mediocre things, all come from people who Do. everything was created by people who Create. boundaries are pushed by the people who push them. right now, as ever before in my rapidly lengthening life, i'm following a path blazed by many, many others. i've done almost nothing. it's an interstate i'm on. it's the least interesting path possible. i hate that. i'm just scared to break out of it. and i'd usually rather sleep anyway.

i just watched the film "one week" which is probably why i'm writing all this. i hate to think i'm so easily influenced or motivated but it's basically true. i know it's all been inside me anyway but sometimes it takes a work of art to light that fire. makes me wonder what i'm doing here. makes me want to rage against the rote. ever since falling into lazy agnosticism i've wondered about my place in the world. how should i enjoy every day? how should i be remembered? and who should remember?

i daydreamed as i lay in bed a few seconds ago of taking a trip. maybe following john steinbeck's path around america from travels with charlie (not another trail!) or just following my own. on a motorcycle? in a volvo? would i go alone? i thought about asking kelly. i tried to imagine saying to her hey, i'm just going to drive for a while and would you like to join me? it's ok if you don't want to but here's your chance. and maybe she would agree and i would drive up to pittsburgh to pick her up out in front of her house. and there would be her family and dave and i wouldn't know what to tell them. this is my life? i promise to take care of her? it wouldn't change their minds and it wouldn't matter. and we would start away having not spoken to each other in person in four years at least. and not remembering then. it would be quiet sometimes but we could talk out the big questions. i would rage from the driver's seat Are we adults? I'm just a child! What am I supposed to do with all this life? and we could talk about all the other parts of life like what is Faith and does it exist in the real world? is that why you're not religious either? i remember you were agnostic before i really even knew what it meant. i hope i'm not like that just because you were. no, it's ok.

i don't even imagine how our relationship would change because eventually it's all just one thing. i don't want to break it down and organize it until it becomes, in my future imagination, that car trip where we fell in love or where we did these things or whatever else. if this imaginary trip is about finding life then everything in it becomes part of it and it becomes what i'm looking for. there's no divisions any longer. at least that makes sense from here.

i'm going to sleep now.