a cruel and elaborate hoax

the stars were out again tonight. for a little while at least. haze was rolling in from the east. the light from cape lookout, normally sharp, was a dullish yellow. a few middle-aged women were laughing and talking from a balcony behind me. i'd followed a fishing boat to the fence. could see the lights from the living room. five of them: four white and one red. the last two lazily appeared and disappeared. an explosion from the southeast caught my eye. it seemed like naval warfare. the kind of thing that's spectacular but not frightening when you can observe from a great distance. the lightning lit the sky every few seconds, keeping a much more erratic pace than the lighthouse. i think every time i looked away, a shooting star would flit past. two teenagers walked behind me once, heading home. soon after, a girl walked through the lamplight far to my left and down the stairs to the sand. i wanted to chase after her, ask her where she was going after midnight and alone. if you look up, you can see the milky way. a cloudy and faded scar across the sky. you can't see it in raleigh. eventually a plane inched past at a very high altitude. it was so tiny. the fishing boat, imperceptibly moving, turned to sail away. eventually only the two lazy white lights were left on the horizon.

i wish you were here.

come around

my life revolves occasionally around, say, girls i'll see. out places. in the world. they're everywhere here at the beach. all of them walking around in bikinis. and i with nothing to say. a few weeks ago i went with my mother to martin & osa. they were closing soon and we thought there might be something interesting there. i go into a dressing room to try on a pair of green pants (i think). for once i decide that what people do is leave their clothes there and someone who works in the store will return them to the racks for you. so i left them there.

i walk out the door and have to move aside as this attractive girl stepped past me. my first thought for some reason was that she was with the guy in the next room (i would think that, yes?) but then i saw her walking back toward the front of the store with my pants. how clever, i thought. i take the pants back there, put them on, take them off, and here they are back again. very clever. anyway, the girl was quite pretty. i wish i'd gotten a better look at her. the first thing i noticed was her hair, which was about chin-length with heavy blunt bangs. she looked sort of like the christina ricci-ish girl on the peppermint patties commercials. in any case, she was slight and pretty and i liked her hair. soon after, i walked back towards the front and she passed me again. i excused myself and smiled but that was it.

i know why i didn't say anything to her. it's because i am who i am and there's no other real reason. i don't know what to say to people, especially girls i don't know, and i don't necessarily have the balls to do it anyway. i like to blame it on the fact that i was with my mother and not, say, alone or with friends. couldn't really help maybe. i kept trying to glance at her but we were leaving. i caught a last look as we walked out but she was in the back of the store. i think she saw me too.

on the way home i kept thinking of things to say. hello, i like your hair. what's your favorite movie? why? because i'm going to maybe ask you out based on your response. forget that i'm going to the beach soon and then moving a hundred miles away. shush pretty girl. someday i'll learn maybe. i just hope she's somewhere else i am.

...

last night i was sitting here in the cat's bedroom again, watching running with scissors again and texting danielle. sweet girl, i wish we talked more. she claims to want to but never really does. she was dropping innuendos like she always did, how she'd love to be in nc with me right now. all that. i had a quick vision of that idea. it ended up like no uncommon daydream of mine. i was here with headphones on, laying down. dark room. she'd quietly open the door and slip inside. i wouldn't be surprised. she walks over and lays down on the couch on top of me, buries her head in my chest, and just rests. i can feel her weight on me, her warmth. i scratch her head for a while and we fall asleep.

...

a little later, i walked outside to look at the stars. i couldn't tell if it was clouds but i think i saw the milky way, right over the ocean. like a great and tragic scar, a story to tell. i looked around and think i saw a shooting star out the corner of my eye. cape lookout lighthouse was bright. there were a few lights of boats. a couple walking on the beach in the dark. a few lights on in the complex, people drinking around tables like we used to. on the way out, i passed a girl dancing and as i was walking saw a guy dancing next to her. they were upstairs, through the blinds. someone else across the way, third floor, presumably watching me. a couple kids with flashlights at the corner of the next building over. looked like thieves.

the sky was astonishing though.