there is no last time, never will be

seems strange to have nothing to say about big news but to skip to the small stuff. i guess it's a matter of processing... and that sometimes the small stuff just means more.

part 1

the girl who sits in front of me in our daily morning english class is named emily. i know this because on the first day of classes we exchanged digits and she walked me to the bookstore. a few weeks later she walked me to the student center so i could donate blood. emily is a few years younger, tallish-thin, and studying textiles. she's blonde and pale-pinkish like a pig. i don't mean this in a negative way, just a descriptive one. she's friendly enough and all, says hello to me most mornings. she's one of the people i meet where i can't work out the fantasy. she's not perfect (like the film class girl) but there's nothing wrong with her either. she dresses variously, never quite very fancy nor ever in sweats really. usually has her hair up though.

which leaves the neck. i don't sit in class and stare at the back of her neck. but one day i looked up and there it was. pale and pink and below the blonde and above the red of her t-shirt and so close and i had this such strong desire to reach out and touch it. have that feeling of solidity and mass and the knowledge that it's part of a real person, a real girl, who is really quite kind to me. i forget these things sometimes. maybe it's a sexual tic, only coming to light for and of certain people. i don't have such realizations with many. it's just that the fantasy was mingling with the reality while she was sitting in front of me. and there was her neck. this isn't a vampire thing, i just wanted to put my fingers there and have her feel me too. it's not crazy. just a mix-up of reality and surreality.

part 2

i'm not sure why the word "convalescent" came to mind today. i suppose myself to be a romantic convalescent. or emotional or social or whatever you like. thinking mainly of kelly here. we haven't spoken in over a month, easy. she hasn't texted in weeks. and i've let her go. i mean i still think of her occasionally and it makes me sad, it does. i almost apply a sort of mindfulness principle when it happens. try and choose not to think about it. just move on. not necessarily dealing with it, you know, a more permanent solution but... letting it be such that maybe it will fade away in time. and i think it is. slowly. it certainly helps that things are happening for me now. that i have school and a few new friends and a new job and plans to move and an apartment and daydreams which aren't about her. she obviously has infiltrated my life quite completely so i can't blink twice without seeing something that reminds me of her but i'm ok for now. especially if i don't think a lot.

i'm a convalescent, right? slowly healing.

part 3

an idea for a photograph. inspired by the film Performance. utilizing mirrors. the subject, and i think my daydream earlier starred emily from english class (especially since i found out she doesn't just make clothes but does fashion stuff... go figure), has a polished mirror with no frame. holds it up to herself in the photographs, angled away from the camera so as not to show the photographer. looks like a hole in her. can do a close-up portrait where half the face is visible and half is behind the mirror. i suppose focus would be a problem with all this. in any case...

more inspired by the film, could do something with body parts. her holding up the mirror to her face or chest, the reflection showing someone else to the camera. myself holding it up to my chest, her breast reflected in the camera. ok, so that's more or less a daydream but why toss up barriers now? it could happen. she lives in winston, yeah? forgot to mention that. anyway, mirrors. tape a small round mirror to a shirt, looks like a hole. needs to be bright outside, depth of field would help the focus problem.