je m'appelle lars

no, i'm not quite that bad yet. and listening to withered hand does make me feel better. and my cat.

it shouldn't bother me now, that kelly and dave are still together. why shouldn't they be? i suppose they're approaching their one-year anniversary by now. or in the next month or so at least. i don't like to remember that. seems so significant. i can't believe i've been living with such poison in my veins for so long. and now is so much easier than before... well she's not around as often. in many ways we aren't as close. well, that's empirical i guess. we aren't as close. that's just how it is. and it makes me sad for sure. i need her around.

i texted her this weekend while in winston. we were just starting to drink and every, every time that makes me lonely. no matter what anyone does. makes me want danielle or kelly or meghan or whoever to be around. and i wrote her and told her that and she just wished i weren't lonely and said that she'd been out all day helping dave get his boat back in the water and that she was sunburned and tired but happy. and i could see the two of them doing just that. for some reason - and it was deep down because i know in my head that they're together - but i was curious and frustrated and surprised for a second in a very childlike and petulant way, thinking is that still going on? that hasn't ended yet? i suppose i just hadn't heard his name in a while because she was being kind to me. i didn't really write back after that. after a while i got so frustrated that i walked outside without telling anyone and strolled around the apartment complex parking lot seven or eight times talking to whitney on the phone. she still doesn't know about the whole fake situation but she's a good friend all the same and it was really quite useful and wonderful to be able to talk to her even about things that didn't really apply at all. and she was glad to talk to me as well which was nice.

and kelly wrote me today and didn't mention my disappearance at all. maybe she didn't notice. i'm sure she's got other things and people to be concerned with. still, i miss how things used to be. of course i do. and still, more than anything, i want dave not to exist. i want us to be friends again like we used to be and...

and i think i want to return to my daydreaming. my constant comfort of possibilities. see, i miss that as much as i miss her. i miss the thought of maybe visiting her and what would happen. i miss the idea of us being together. both of which i can't really dream of anymore. i'm sure i've thought of it before and i try not to now even and it's still difficult to write down but if they're for good then all the opportunities are gone. if she's with dave for the time being with no end in sight and no reason to stop, those dreams really are gone from me. and if it's been a year and she is still seemingly happy and... i'd love for her to be the happiest girl in the world. i'd love for her to find happiness everywhere in her life, all puppies and flowers and sunny days and beautiful photographs, just not from dave. happy from me maybe, happy from no guy at all, i don't care. i just don't want her to find all that in that boy. and that's all just selfish but... yeah, it's just selfish. so what.

i still make mixtapes and mail her and get nothing in return. in fact, since dave happened i think she's only mailed me once. can that even be true? seems impossible. christ, have we really fallen so far? it's a sobering thought.

i'd rather not think any more about it now.