absolutely zero

two months and what has changed? i'm a loser. never really thought of myself that way before but the evidence keeps adding up. i've always had a scientific bent and it would be unlike me to ignore something like that.

kelly and i have been growing apart recently, even as she pops into my dreams more often. as it is now, we only talk once or twice a week. she says she's just not online so much anymore and apologizes for not being around. i can't blame her for having a life and school and friends and dave and all. if i were to simplify this and prove myself right at the same time i'd say that dave simply stole her from me. not quite fair but not altogether inaccurate either. her story isn't unique by a long shot. everyone has enough to do that there's no time for me.

meghan has work. danielle has work. austin has school. kelly has school and dave. becca has school and mike (and we were close for a while too). danielle, god bless her, has school and rob. it's not so surprising that i fall off the map sometimes. not their fault that i can't get into school, land a job, and am lonely.

it HURTS HURTS HURTS to be left behind. get those welshrats in my chest. that's not really fair though, it's not so much a worldpain as a selfish individual sort. which of course makes it worse. nothing makes me hate myself more than feeling selfish or depressed or weak for no good reason. and what does self-loathing lead to? please.

this is all old news though. much figured out and decided. i just regret it is all. i have this sour taste in my mouth like i'm dying. i think i might be. convinced of cancer. just like diabetes. just like kidneys. something will cut me down and i won't be surprised at all.

let us wax positive for a bit. let's pretend. the job with the epa comes through. i find a place to live and move out. meet some new people. go to summer school for a few classes. get into grad school for next fall. job ends in the spring and i use some saved money to hike the appalachian trail over the summer. go to school. have a real life. somewhere along meet someone i deserve who somehow deserves me. seems impossible from here. most everything does.

now i'm reminiscing with danielle... it's nice but just makes me lonelier. i've missed her so much. she sent me a picture of chloe the cat taken on her bed this morning. reminds me of going to pick her up at the little house before going out for dinner or coffee. i didn't realize how much i needed that until a year without it. hard to believe a year can pass like it has. i asked her how rob is but she didn't answer. maybe not so well? she's hoping i'll miss that detail? she probably just forgot to respond. i know her.

i miss vienna. i miss becoming friends with her. those first conversations while walking. pictures of her in the flowy gray skirt in prague. out at the playground when i injured her on the spin machine. sitting next to her on the flight back and sharing music, writing in her sudoku book. meeting walking to class and the hugs. dinners and coffees. that hug that i still haven't gotten over outside her hotel the last time i saw her. all this and she's less compatible with me than kelly. at least i know her for real. at least i know how she feels in my arms. that's hard to let go too.

at least she is here. that's better than the long months without.

well, that was useless. at least i wrote something.