a theme

i have in my head a small loop of ambling instrumental from some wes anderson film... i'm guessing I Heart Huckabees. it's just a small thing, came to me on the couch a while back while i was reading hemingway and has stuck. it picked up momentum and added new instruments and formed itself into something recognizable after a little while. slowly dredged up from the depths for no reason at all. i did the same thing with a noah and the whale song a few weeks ago in the bathtub. not sure why.

i'm not thinking of valentines day. i'm not thinking of kelly and especially of kelly and dave on valentines day. i have to write that to be honest with myself but i really hate it. i'd really rather not write it at all because i have to think it and i've managed to avoid that all day. so here i'll leave it behind. she doesn't give a shit anyway.

one might care to make a case otherwise... she texted me the morning of my birthday on friday and wished me well. i wrote her back the exact thing she wrote me nine days earlier. she wrote on my fbook and texted again that evening hoping that i'd had a good day. i responded in kind. i haven't heard from her since. i am not fooled. she can say that she is sorry she's never around but she was around before. she was around all summer when this was going down. she was especially around when we were friends, so close. she claims we still are but i can't uncover evidence of it. if we were friends then she would be around. if we were friends she wouldn't have to apologize every time she says hello. i am convinced of the truth and that is that she doesn't need me anymore. maybe she will someday and maybe by then i won't need her. maybe i won't be around. these are things i try to believe.

i wish danielle were happier. she always seems so run-down by school. i believe her. i know it's difficult. i just wish i could make her happier. it hurts to be so useless to someone.

same with meghan. something happened with kyle and i don't know what it is and i can't ask and i just want to be there for her but i don't know how.

i spent a long morning and afternoon with becca on friday. she's a wonderful girl with a wonderful dog. she seems forgiving to me and it's welcomed. i need a good friend like her around. i need to see her on a consistent basis. i really don't need to be foolish and to get sucked in like i do with all other girls i find pleasant. it's tough not to. i need to be stronger. really, i'm glad to have her around. i hope she feels the same way.

i pray every night to learn to love myself and to not be lonely. i don't quite know how to accomplish that. self-loathing spirals in such an encompassing way... it's difficult to escape. dislike for oneself grows and dissatisfaction with everything you say. every now and then i think that if i could just pretend to be happy, pretend to be a good friend, pretend not to be lonely or a loser or too affected by others' happiness that it will get easier, come true. it's just so hard to do. there's nothing more i want to talk about than my sadness but to say the words makes it worse. convinces me that everyone else feels the same way. to speak of sadness makes one a downer, unattractive, off-putting. i want to be honest and honestly loved but how can i be loved if i'm honest?

i believe in the self-fulfilling prophecy but i haven't got the emotional maturity to make it work. maybe someday, yeah? i've set up camp in someday. i'm planning to stay a while.

...

i just realized that if i ever did find happiness with a girl that i'd have to come up with something entirely new to write about. god forbid that ever happens, hah.