who would you rather be?

i can see, without moving my head, looking up, a lighted doorframe, top corner, reflected in the glass of a photograph handing on the wall in our hallway. logic and a mathematical mind dictate this to be the top corner of the doorframe leading from the kitchen to the dining room. my back is nearly against the wall of the house and there's a television accommodated by a large wooden chest (better name, can't think of it), there's walls, a staircase, a bench, a refrigerator, stove etc. and yet i can see it, clear across the house. that interested me for a second.

what a terrible way to start a blog post.

i was thinking earlier... i wish i would write about something other than girls. i suppose in my heart, though, what affects me more? i could complain about applying to grad school or searching for a job but all that has no soul. i don't write for anyone else but me and if i'm writing for me, why not just sob out what means the most?

i'm generally doing ok, i think. i'm not so bothered anymore about kelly and dave nor am i so tortured by the thought that it's all that ever occurs to me. i should get away from checking my phone for messages or checking aim for messages so often but that's a product of being me in my house more than anything else. i can't figure out either whether i actually want her to write me. if she doesn't, well there's nothing to deal with but it means that she is sort of ignoring me. if she does, well there she is, but i have to deal with it and it makes me nervous and sucks me in just a little into where i was before. and i don't want to be there anymore. still... i pray every night that i may love myself and not be lonely and remain close to all those who mean the most to me no matter what. no matter what. i don't know how to make that work. i tell myself sometimes that she's so valuable that i should find some way, some internal courage, which would allow me to stay close to her. i just don't know where to find it.

an inequality that bothers me: she's found someone else yet she's the best person i've ever known. she's probably my favorite person i've ever met. how am i supposed to get past that? meeting someone better? that's hard.

come on baby, play me something (like "here comes the sun"!)

at least i would like to be rescued from my dreams. last night was good... which is almost rare. scarce. i was in a staging area for a concert and figured out i'd be going onstage with whatever the act was. i think i was half of Mates of State actually. i remember my wife/partner had short-ish platinum hair and kind of looked like kelly from the Rosebuds (i know what you're thinking and no, i hadn't made that connection before and no, i don't think it has anything to do with that kelly). anyway, we followed her onstage, bringing out our keyboards to the crowd. it was in cat's cradle i think. i was on the far right of the stage, playing along with the music and it was wonderful. i think i had a melody once when i reached up - you know those high-jump testing areas where you jump and swat the sticks on the post and the highest ones your fingers hit swing around and measures how high you reached? - i pushed a few of those around as they made noises, making a melody. then i backed away while the song continued. i had a paperclip and i tossed it into the crowd and signaled for them to toss it back. we played catch a little, me feeling like a beloved musician who does this sort of thing because it's fun and how much everyone enjoys throwing paperclips with me. it was my turn to play again so i went up and hit a few of the swingy bars although i'm sure it was different then than before because i'd forgotten the melody. as we were walking off the stage i took the paper clip, set it in my fingers, and threw it a little further so that whomever caught it could keep it. i could still hear the song when i woke up.

i wonder every now and then, when i do that, if i actually compose music in my dreams and if i could somehow remember it well enough to record it, how wonderful that would be.

that was a good dream though. the night before kelly disturbed my sleep again. the only part i remember now is being in the corner of a large room sitting on odd furniture in a circle with a few unnamed people, kelly in the middle. we were a task-force, assigned to complete a dire task. anyway, in the middle, the phone in front of her rang and the task-force had to pause while she answered it. pretty clear that it was dave and not only that but he was being flirty. they giggled over the phone and said little nothings and all and the rest of us just looked around at nothing until they finished. i bristled a little the whole time. she took her time and when she hung up the phone she just said as an explanation "oh, sorry, that was just a torrid affair i'm having." as if to me even though she wasn't looking at me. and she knew i was there and it was worse for it.

and i woke up angry.