joining all my thoughts to you

interesting and unsettling thought tonight. i was just about to climb into the bath to read for a while and it occurred to me. if, knowing what i know now and having survived what i have this summer and fall, i could go back in time... would i do anything different? if, given the opportunity, how would i respond? before dave, when it was just kelly and i. i could have said something back then, about us. maybe prevented all this from happening. i wonder if i could have prevented it. she's said before that i could have had her if i wanted. it's a silly thing to want, someone so far away. i think i knew, though, and treated her like a backup for danielle. someone i could keep in my pocket and take comfort in when things were going badly. i know that's unfair and i know she deserves more. i wrote it in my postcard never sent a while back how i regret my tunnel vision last year, seeing only danielle instead of giving proper judgment to my best friend. what if i'd said something? what if we'd come to a conclusion so early and what if, in this bizarro reality dave never had a chance? what if, all summer long, i hadn't been losing her but winning her? what if i'd used what little money i have to visit her in nyc for a week? where would i be now? where would she be?

...

i'm being half-mean to her now and i don't yet regret it. she came back, moving back to nyc. said she'd been with dave most of christmas which is nearly what i'd figured. i didn't hear much of anything from her so it stood to reason. him no me. me no him. now she's lonely and without confidence in her school program and is dropping out and heading home. probably driving back with her parents now. probably to be back with dave immediately.

there's something in that which helps me. i can't pick it out because i'll always tell her "i'm proud of you" because she got into school and took out loans and moved to nyc all alone and met new people and studied and... i haven't yet but i hope i can successfully accomplish all that. and there's a big part of me that believes what a former film professor told me once, not to be afraid of failure. and is she really failing, if she's correct about it being the wrong program and etc.? it's all life. it's all learning. but still... i take pleasure in her suffering. the crying i hear about. i've been the loser for so long. i try not to feel bad about it and i've been successful so far. it's not that i consciously think less of her but i think i lost some respect in the waydowndeepdown. it's not much but it helps. i'd never tell her that.

all the little things she texts me make me half-angry now. i enjoy it of course, when she sends me song lyrics or wants to be my best friend or wants to hear me play guitar. i responded that maybe only if she'd sing for me. it's the half-flirty close thing that i automatically write. i regretted it a little. i don't need quite yet to be easy and friendly and close. i need to be angry and mean a while longer. i need to shadowbox. i need to not let her get too close or i'll get fucked up again. i don't need that now. i need to be strong now.

i need a distraction.

i met becca for coffee yesterday. i need to see more of her. i mean, the last thing i really need is another girl i can't have, and she's almost certainly one of those. we get along really well though. we laugh a lot. she's a smart girl and enjoys school. and plays music. and has a dog and loves the outdoors. and she reminds me of amy adams. this is beginning to feel like a middle school diary, yes? it's a distraction though. someone else to think about. without the tease of feeling like she loves me and having that taken away. at least so far we're enjoying each other. she said we should try and get together every week. that made me smile just about everywhere.

someday, you know, i'll meet someone like becca and like kelly and like danielle and like meghan and like all sorts of girls i haven't even met yet. and she will be single and she will feel for me the way i feel for her. people keep telling me that. someday, you know.

...

i think i wouldn't change anything. well, knowing what i know now, i would probably handle it differently. i would save everyone as much heartache as possible. i would probably make it easier on kelly and let her enjoy her summer a little more. i'd probably try to keep us close.

it's... it would scare me first. and why should i choose such a ridiculous relationship? even if it's with someone so wonderful... maybe there's nothing i could do to change anything. i want to be best friends again. that's all. most of all i don't want to live through it again. even if i could stop being selfish for one instant and wish her the best, knowing that she will be happy with dave and that she deserves to be with someone she can spend time with whenever she wants to. even then, all the time she's falling for him and away from me. all the time she begins spending with him and stops with me. all the time i can feel us growing apart and all my influence and importance i can feel draining from her life. all this business of being chosen over, i wouldn't wish that on anyone.