interesting and unsettling thought tonight. i was just about to climb into the bath to read for a while and it occurred to me. if, knowing what i know now and having survived what i have this summer and fall, i could go back in time... would i do anything different? if, given the opportunity, how would i respond? before dave, when it was just kelly and i. i could have said something back then, about us. maybe prevented all this from happening. i wonder if i could have prevented it. she's said before that i could have had her if i wanted. it's a silly thing to want, someone so far away. i think i knew, though, and treated her like a backup for danielle. someone i could keep in my pocket and take comfort in when things were going badly. i know that's unfair and i know she deserves more. i wrote it in my postcard never sent a while back how i regret my tunnel vision last year, seeing only danielle instead of giving proper judgment to my best friend. what if i'd said something? what if we'd come to a conclusion so early and what if, in this bizarro reality dave never had a chance? what if, all summer long, i hadn't been losing her but winning her? what if i'd used what little money i have to visit her in nyc for a week? where would i be now? where would she be?
...
i'm being half-mean to her now and i don't yet regret it. she came back, moving back to nyc. said she'd been with dave most of christmas which is nearly what i'd figured. i didn't hear much of anything from her so it stood to reason. him no me. me no him. now she's lonely and without confidence in her school program and is dropping out and heading home. probably driving back with her parents now. probably to be back with dave immediately.
there's something in that which helps me. i can't pick it out because i'll always tell her "i'm proud of you" because she got into school and took out loans and moved to nyc all alone and met new people and studied and... i haven't yet but i hope i can successfully accomplish all that. and there's a big part of me that believes what a former film professor told me once, not to be afraid of failure. and is she really failing, if she's correct about it being the wrong program and etc.? it's all life. it's all learning. but still... i take pleasure in her suffering. the crying i hear about. i've been the loser for so long. i try not to feel bad about it and i've been successful so far. it's not that i consciously think less of her but i think i lost some respect in the waydowndeepdown. it's not much but it helps. i'd never tell her that.
all the little things she texts me make me half-angry now. i enjoy it of course, when she sends me song lyrics or wants to be my best friend or wants to hear me play guitar. i responded that maybe only if she'd sing for me. it's the half-flirty close thing that i automatically write. i regretted it a little. i don't need quite yet to be easy and friendly and close. i need to be angry and mean a while longer. i need to shadowbox. i need to not let her get too close or i'll get fucked up again. i don't need that now. i need to be strong now.
i need a distraction.
i met becca for coffee yesterday. i need to see more of her. i mean, the last thing i really need is another girl i can't have, and she's almost certainly one of those. we get along really well though. we laugh a lot. she's a smart girl and enjoys school. and plays music. and has a dog and loves the outdoors. and she reminds me of amy adams. this is beginning to feel like a middle school diary, yes? it's a distraction though. someone else to think about. without the tease of feeling like she loves me and having that taken away. at least so far we're enjoying each other. she said we should try and get together every week. that made me smile just about everywhere.
someday, you know, i'll meet someone like becca and like kelly and like danielle and like meghan and like all sorts of girls i haven't even met yet. and she will be single and she will feel for me the way i feel for her. people keep telling me that. someday, you know.
...
i think i wouldn't change anything. well, knowing what i know now, i would probably handle it differently. i would save everyone as much heartache as possible. i would probably make it easier on kelly and let her enjoy her summer a little more. i'd probably try to keep us close.
it's... it would scare me first. and why should i choose such a ridiculous relationship? even if it's with someone so wonderful... maybe there's nothing i could do to change anything. i want to be best friends again. that's all. most of all i don't want to live through it again. even if i could stop being selfish for one instant and wish her the best, knowing that she will be happy with dave and that she deserves to be with someone she can spend time with whenever she wants to. even then, all the time she's falling for him and away from me. all the time she begins spending with him and stops with me. all the time i can feel us growing apart and all my influence and importance i can feel draining from her life. all this business of being chosen over, i wouldn't wish that on anyone.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Saturday, January 9, 2010
who would you rather be?
i can see, without moving my head, looking up, a lighted doorframe, top corner, reflected in the glass of a photograph handing on the wall in our hallway. logic and a mathematical mind dictate this to be the top corner of the doorframe leading from the kitchen to the dining room. my back is nearly against the wall of the house and there's a television accommodated by a large wooden chest (better name, can't think of it), there's walls, a staircase, a bench, a refrigerator, stove etc. and yet i can see it, clear across the house. that interested me for a second.
what a terrible way to start a blog post.
i was thinking earlier... i wish i would write about something other than girls. i suppose in my heart, though, what affects me more? i could complain about applying to grad school or searching for a job but all that has no soul. i don't write for anyone else but me and if i'm writing for me, why not just sob out what means the most?
i'm generally doing ok, i think. i'm not so bothered anymore about kelly and dave nor am i so tortured by the thought that it's all that ever occurs to me. i should get away from checking my phone for messages or checking aim for messages so often but that's a product of being me in my house more than anything else. i can't figure out either whether i actually want her to write me. if she doesn't, well there's nothing to deal with but it means that she is sort of ignoring me. if she does, well there she is, but i have to deal with it and it makes me nervous and sucks me in just a little into where i was before. and i don't want to be there anymore. still... i pray every night that i may love myself and not be lonely and remain close to all those who mean the most to me no matter what. no matter what. i don't know how to make that work. i tell myself sometimes that she's so valuable that i should find some way, some internal courage, which would allow me to stay close to her. i just don't know where to find it.
an inequality that bothers me: she's found someone else yet she's the best person i've ever known. she's probably my favorite person i've ever met. how am i supposed to get past that? meeting someone better? that's hard.
come on baby, play me something (like "here comes the sun"!)
at least i would like to be rescued from my dreams. last night was good... which is almost rare. scarce. i was in a staging area for a concert and figured out i'd be going onstage with whatever the act was. i think i was half of Mates of State actually. i remember my wife/partner had short-ish platinum hair and kind of looked like kelly from the Rosebuds (i know what you're thinking and no, i hadn't made that connection before and no, i don't think it has anything to do with that kelly). anyway, we followed her onstage, bringing out our keyboards to the crowd. it was in cat's cradle i think. i was on the far right of the stage, playing along with the music and it was wonderful. i think i had a melody once when i reached up - you know those high-jump testing areas where you jump and swat the sticks on the post and the highest ones your fingers hit swing around and measures how high you reached? - i pushed a few of those around as they made noises, making a melody. then i backed away while the song continued. i had a paperclip and i tossed it into the crowd and signaled for them to toss it back. we played catch a little, me feeling like a beloved musician who does this sort of thing because it's fun and how much everyone enjoys throwing paperclips with me. it was my turn to play again so i went up and hit a few of the swingy bars although i'm sure it was different then than before because i'd forgotten the melody. as we were walking off the stage i took the paper clip, set it in my fingers, and threw it a little further so that whomever caught it could keep it. i could still hear the song when i woke up.
i wonder every now and then, when i do that, if i actually compose music in my dreams and if i could somehow remember it well enough to record it, how wonderful that would be.
that was a good dream though. the night before kelly disturbed my sleep again. the only part i remember now is being in the corner of a large room sitting on odd furniture in a circle with a few unnamed people, kelly in the middle. we were a task-force, assigned to complete a dire task. anyway, in the middle, the phone in front of her rang and the task-force had to pause while she answered it. pretty clear that it was dave and not only that but he was being flirty. they giggled over the phone and said little nothings and all and the rest of us just looked around at nothing until they finished. i bristled a little the whole time. she took her time and when she hung up the phone she just said as an explanation "oh, sorry, that was just a torrid affair i'm having." as if to me even though she wasn't looking at me. and she knew i was there and it was worse for it.
and i woke up angry.
what a terrible way to start a blog post.
i was thinking earlier... i wish i would write about something other than girls. i suppose in my heart, though, what affects me more? i could complain about applying to grad school or searching for a job but all that has no soul. i don't write for anyone else but me and if i'm writing for me, why not just sob out what means the most?
i'm generally doing ok, i think. i'm not so bothered anymore about kelly and dave nor am i so tortured by the thought that it's all that ever occurs to me. i should get away from checking my phone for messages or checking aim for messages so often but that's a product of being me in my house more than anything else. i can't figure out either whether i actually want her to write me. if she doesn't, well there's nothing to deal with but it means that she is sort of ignoring me. if she does, well there she is, but i have to deal with it and it makes me nervous and sucks me in just a little into where i was before. and i don't want to be there anymore. still... i pray every night that i may love myself and not be lonely and remain close to all those who mean the most to me no matter what. no matter what. i don't know how to make that work. i tell myself sometimes that she's so valuable that i should find some way, some internal courage, which would allow me to stay close to her. i just don't know where to find it.
an inequality that bothers me: she's found someone else yet she's the best person i've ever known. she's probably my favorite person i've ever met. how am i supposed to get past that? meeting someone better? that's hard.
come on baby, play me something (like "here comes the sun"!)
at least i would like to be rescued from my dreams. last night was good... which is almost rare. scarce. i was in a staging area for a concert and figured out i'd be going onstage with whatever the act was. i think i was half of Mates of State actually. i remember my wife/partner had short-ish platinum hair and kind of looked like kelly from the Rosebuds (i know what you're thinking and no, i hadn't made that connection before and no, i don't think it has anything to do with that kelly). anyway, we followed her onstage, bringing out our keyboards to the crowd. it was in cat's cradle i think. i was on the far right of the stage, playing along with the music and it was wonderful. i think i had a melody once when i reached up - you know those high-jump testing areas where you jump and swat the sticks on the post and the highest ones your fingers hit swing around and measures how high you reached? - i pushed a few of those around as they made noises, making a melody. then i backed away while the song continued. i had a paperclip and i tossed it into the crowd and signaled for them to toss it back. we played catch a little, me feeling like a beloved musician who does this sort of thing because it's fun and how much everyone enjoys throwing paperclips with me. it was my turn to play again so i went up and hit a few of the swingy bars although i'm sure it was different then than before because i'd forgotten the melody. as we were walking off the stage i took the paper clip, set it in my fingers, and threw it a little further so that whomever caught it could keep it. i could still hear the song when i woke up.
i wonder every now and then, when i do that, if i actually compose music in my dreams and if i could somehow remember it well enough to record it, how wonderful that would be.
that was a good dream though. the night before kelly disturbed my sleep again. the only part i remember now is being in the corner of a large room sitting on odd furniture in a circle with a few unnamed people, kelly in the middle. we were a task-force, assigned to complete a dire task. anyway, in the middle, the phone in front of her rang and the task-force had to pause while she answered it. pretty clear that it was dave and not only that but he was being flirty. they giggled over the phone and said little nothings and all and the rest of us just looked around at nothing until they finished. i bristled a little the whole time. she took her time and when she hung up the phone she just said as an explanation "oh, sorry, that was just a torrid affair i'm having." as if to me even though she wasn't looking at me. and she knew i was there and it was worse for it.
and i woke up angry.
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