i've been in bed, mind racing. too many thoughts tonight. i need to mail danielle tomorrow, tell her i miss talking with her, fill her in on all the things we never were able to converse about on the phone. about kelly and our confusion. all the turbulence.
i need to write kelly. i compose letters, lying there. just when it's least convenient to write. i need to send a postcard. maybe not to her house... maybe to nyc. so it can be naked and hopefully without prying eyes. maybe she will just find it when she goes back to the city. lots could change between now and then. lots but likely little.
...
"you're far too ever-present in my life, still. i can refuse to think of you, ignore your name in print, choose to file away our situation until i don't care anymore. but there are too many reminders. i was looking at photography and it sent me dreaming, all plans and ideas. who else would i think of but you? kelly in a darkroom. it's those that hurt the most. the ones that are the most you.
i received in the mail today a record i'd ordered. i sat down when i was alone and opened the package. closed my eyes to crack the case, to smell the disc. it's what i do. there were a few things written on the face. the first, near the bottom, was "fstop music" with a little scribble of a camera. my heart sank.
i regret in a terrible way that i was so tangled up in danielle last spring that i didn't realize how dearly i depended on you. that i didn't understand how much you meant to me (and what you could mean to me) until i started losing you. that i never considered how badly i would miss you when you were gone. but why should i? you were one of the people i had an irrational belief in. no matter what, we would be ok. no matter what, we'd always be close. i don't feel that way anymore. i can hope and pray but i cannot be convinced. i know myself too well.
it scares me and hurts me but i don't know how to replace you. i'm not saying we're through but... we have barely spoken in over a month. i remember when we would talk every single day and i miss it. i know it's usually me but it's also you. you tell me how much i mean to you and you act confused about your relationships but i just don't believe it anymore. what i see is my soft decline in your life. what i know is that dave has slowly superseded me, forced me to the fringes. that when you can have him, there's no room for me.
it scares me because i don't know how to find someone so easy to trust and believe in as you."
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