a letter

i thought about writing tonight. sitting in the bathtub with murakami, wondering about the character he'd written of, his life, my life. i wanted to write like that, to sit out in the world somewhere and write words. i thought that if i couldn't get a real job or get into a real school that i would just write a novel and it would be wonderful. i don't really know why or how that should work but that it would be nice if it would.

i thought of writing here first but got caught up in other things... planning for fantasy soccer, watching television, playing guitar. i was playing beautifully tonight, quiet leaning back against the edge of the table, capo three. mountain goats, bright eyes, josh ritter. once upon a time songs. singing a little bit, quiet. my mother came downstairs saying she couldn't sleep and could i stop. i could. it led me back here, songs in my head.

i didn't feel like writing so much anymore... or i did, just not here. i wanted to write someone. i wanted to look over at my phone and there be a text message waiting for me. no such thing. i thought i would write danielle. she would want to hear all this, or at least would listen. i wanted to write kelly because i miss her so goddamn much. i can't write either of them, much as they mean to me. they are at home with their boyfriends, their chosen ones who aren't me. they don't miss me and i know it. i think that bothers me.

i think the longer i stay away - it's been almost three weeks since i've spoken with kelly... wow - the more i realize that i still think of her all the time. that there's only so transparent she can become, only so little matter that she can vaporize to. her memory, the idea of her, is a puddle that i can't avoid stepping in. i slip and fall in it. i'm surrounded by it. when i leave she evaporates, forms a little raincloud, and drizzles. what i mean is that, as far as i can tell, she won't leave me alone. always follows me around in the background. i'm not sure how much good staying away really does. it certainly does harm. i don't come back because it's almost thanksgiving and although i could really use a friend right now, i can't bring myself to come back when i know she's with him. just can't do it. i hate that.

i know i'm missing her life and i hate that too. this whole absence thing, while she sticks with me, makes me believe to some great extent that i'm just fading from her completely. that because she hasn't written me without reason, hasn't texted or mailed, even though she said she wouldn't because she knew i was leaving for a reason!, that it means somehow that she's forgotten me or figured out how to live without me. i know this. maybe if dave wasn't around it would be a bigger deal to her but then again, if dave wasn't around i'd be there so... so.

danielle's the same way. i know i shouldn't be lonely or sad because of her and mostly i'm not. it's just that with kelly gone i shift towards her and now that rob's there with her, i feel like i've temporarily lost her as well. i can't buy a friend these days. i text and no one writes back. i leave friendly messages and receive nothing in return. it's... unsettling. not encouraging. i feel like a leper sometimes, you know? and i know it's probably not what i think, that there are reasons i can't quite find anyone, that everyone's probably really busy and all... but, being raised in the sciences, i can't ignore the empirical evidence. and the evidence does not look good.

of course, it doesn't help that i've voluntarily cut out two of the best friends i have. i'm sure i don't need to point that out, though. i'm sure the irony is pretty evident to everyone by now.

...

what was it i meant to write to danielle? something about loneliness to be sure. i really don't know if i could write that though. i don't know who i could tell about that. i feel so damn guilty about complaining. saying out loud how i hate myself and how lonely i am makes me, well, hate myself. i'm all too aware that this isn't attractive and if being attractive to someone isn't just the most important thing right now, well i just don't know.

ok, so i'm lonely and insecure and i need someone to explain it all to but the people i can talk to most i've left and i can't talk about it anyway because i feel guilty about being a downer and making myself unattractive in their eyes. vicious cycle, no?

i think what i need most is something new. i know i've said that before. i need some contact, some flesh. even innocently. i miss the feel of another person. the smell, the warmth. i want to share a bed with kelly or danielle more than most anything. i just want to wake up and not be alone. it's hard to start a day alone... almost as hard as it is to spend a day alone or end a day alone.

and yet... somehow i keep going. i keep starting and spending and ending. my worthless life. accomplishing nothing. playing songs on guitar which is basic plagiarism. reading to absorb ideas which aren't mine. writing, and one might say hey! that's original!, but really, i remember senior year high school english class. i remember post-modernism. i know i'm not all that fantastic, all that spectacular. i know that all the characters i use have existed for centuries. i know all the words i use have been written before. i know my ideas aren't original. i know my feelings aren't individual. i know i'm typecast and trite. i know my cosmic worth hasn't been proved anymore than that of a stillborn child. my mark on the world nothing more than a finger smudge on a windshield.

...

encouraging, isn't it? i've got a knack for that.

ahhhh how my basest and most selfish instincts won't leave me alone. i hope they break up, all the couples of the world. i want to be the only guy with a girl. half of the only set. the only want and wanted. the only miss and missed. the only love and loved.

the one and only.