let go in small doses

i'm a daydreamer. irretrievable. sat in the bathtub tonight with a new book and got lost every other paragraph. mostly about 9/11. i am on one of the top floors, looking out the window. people are frightened but i'm not. not even sad. maybe happy, a little excited. i find some stationary and a juicy red pen on somebody's abandoned desk and start writing a letter. i never daydreamed what the letter would say, only that it was unafraid and loving and written in red ink. i thought of who it would be addressed to... first thought was kelly but i can't say why. maybe because she will be in nyc? but why not my family or danielle or... i don't know. blue sky breaking and entering the windows. i would seal it in an envelope and address it like a letter. in lieu of a stamp, i would write "airmail!" in all caps and underlined, giddy-like, and it would be the funniest and saddest joke ever. i don't know how the window would open, if i would have to break it or not, but the hole would be large enough. i would probably cross myself as i climbed up into it. i usually do on airplane runways or before long car trips. habit. i think i would smile as i leaped, flying isn't something everyone is allowed to do. smiling at the ground, hoping someone down there would see my face and feel better about everything else that fell around us. i would clutch the envelope to my chest and tuck in an attempt to flip on my back before impact, hoping to preserve the contents. the landing would be a concept, not as much something that happens to me in a way that i can understand, but the logical and physics-defined resolution to my story.

...

i also daydreamed i was visiting kelly, which was also not new at all. i'm curious as to what will happen when she moves to nyc if only because i doubt things between us will change much - unless she meets platoons of new and wonderful art kids (which will almost certainly happen... oh no!) - and i'm curious how things between her and dave will be affected. she's told me that i'm her best guy and that she can talk with me so much better than with him, really. and what matters when distance is (more or less) equally distributed? but they're "in a relationship" and, like most girls i know, that will weigh heavily in minds everywhere. it's an official thing. an accord that cannot disappear but must, through effort and intention, be dissolved. oh well.

and all that is based mostly in reality, which means it has no place in a post about daydreams.

in retrospect, i don't think i really got far with this one anyways. somehow i would have a job and be happy and it would be winter so i could wear coats. i'd arrive somehow and somehow get to her apartments. i think the rest had to do with city streets and cold winds and cameras and holding hands and sex, somehow. through effort and intention, i suppose.

otherwise, i'm sitting in a circle on the floor of the old guys' oaks apartment playing kings with whatever girls were there. darcy would point out that never had she ever had sex and i'd be the only one in the room to put down a finger. discreetly at that. yes, that type of clique. i'd then be grilled, for sure. i'd enjoy it inside but also wouldn't want to talk about it. i don't know what happens next.

...

she's online now and i'm refusing to say hello. this is how i am. difficult. she doesn't know yet how hard she will have to work for us to be close. i'm not happy about it either but at least i'm doing something. just ask joe biden, inaction is action too. i don't know why i do it. maybe i like the attention, not sure. she isn't biting tonight, though. i'm a little surprised but not quite hurt. i can convince myself most short-term situations that i am ok. perfectly ok. this is one of those times.

if anyone knows why i play the games i play, i'd love to know.

...

i've gone away. don't call me, don't write.