it has been approximately one week since i spoke with kelly. well, that's all debatable. i texted her last around 7pmish last monday and mailed two postcards which either arrived saturday or, if the post office was feeling particularly malicious, earlier today. she wrote me thursday night (she misses talking to me!) and twice friday night (sorry if she hurt me, tell her and she'll stop talking to me... irony?). actually, in terms of real genuine and loving conversation, it's been probably eleven days or so.
wow. that is a long time for us.
it feels like it too. which worries me really... i lose my direction quite easily. i can't remember why i ever tried to temporarily cut her out. i'm very much concerned that things won't be the same when i come back... although i feel like one long conversation will set us back on track again. but wait, isn't the point for things to change? if we go back to talking and it's the same as before, won't i end up paranoid and painfully lonely, same as before? i don't want that. well, i miss the emotions. these days are filled with small disappointments for me. i realized today that kelly is my one really Good Thing. which, obviously, made me wonder why i'd choose to live without it.
i'm not even sure how successful this whole venture has been. sure i remember why i started. she went to a lake house for a few days with dave. god knows what they did there. i don't want to. much less think about it. i'm not that much better off, if any. i'm still lonely, but in a dull and bored way. how that compares to the rollercoaster pain of her presence is debatable. life is less interesting without her around. i can't decide which path to take either, in trying to change my thought process. do i think about her but consider her "taken" and try to accept that? do i try and not think of her at all? it's damn near impossible, that i've learned. i only think of her when i take a photograph, play my guitar, watch a film, listen to most songs, or lay in bed at night trying to fall asleep. each time i glance at my phone anticipating a text. each time i check my email searching for a message that doesn't come. there was an old country song where the artist mused about how he was handling his woman leaving him, finally admitting that he only thinks of her on "days that end in Y". it's like that.
if it broke my heart when we were talking - the constant reminders of her relationship with dave etc. - it breaks it now because of what i'm doing to her. i know she loves me. i know she doesn't ever intend to hurt me. i know it's just the situation. we'd spoken about it a few weeks ago. i offered to leave for a month or so if she thought the time to focus on dave would be beneficial to their relationship (i was honorable like that... if only for a little while). she said no way, she couldn't live without me like that. she asked if maybe she should leave for a month or so in case i could get past her and not be so hurt anymore. i said no way, i don't want to live without you. and here we have it...
i even tried to vilify her. how cruel can i be? convince myself that she wasn't right for me. not pretty enough... i couldn't ever come up with a satisfactory case against her. or, in any case, i'd have forgotten it by the next song.
so how can this all end? i don't quite know how long to stay away. if i fully bought into the spirit of the exercise - i.e. letting go, changing so that i wouldn't be hurt anymore - it could be a while. months i mean. i've realized in the last week that i'm not going to stop thinking about her for a while. and if i take all this time off and still let myself be hurt by it... what if i only succeed in damaging our relationship? the friendship, i mean. that would be terrible. i suppose i can only trust... i can only have faith in the two of us. i know we're close for a reason. i believe we will be close for a long time. i'm curious to see what happens when she moves to nyc. dave won't be there (well, neither will i... but she keeps asking me to visit). i suppose how things end - or not - between them will determine how things for us go.
in all honesty, i'm not altogether likely to visit if they're dating long distance. in fact, if they ever go far enough as to declare an official relationship, i can't know how i would handle it. i don't suppose i could keep acting the way i do. that's one of the reasons i've been lonely but not hurt. there's a huge void that hasn't been filled. we talked a lot. that's all empty space now. but at least i don't know all the nights she's with dave. ignorance is bliss (or something like it) as they say. what i meant to say last paragraph was that i don't even know how long i should carry on (this charade). another week? a full month? maybe just until i get to the beach this weekend? i feel like it should be an honest effort at changing. how do i ever change? i change much too slowly. can't change, can't let go. i feel like if i give up too soon - especially since she's only known of this plan since saturday or so... i presume - it would just be a failure. and mean to her as well... as if it isn't anyway.
so there's no good way out. no good escapes, no good windows or skylights.
"you're all i need... but maybe some faith would do me good."
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