don't you tell me how to run that race

fuck it, i'm done.

it's over and i've lost. for the first time all summer i'm aware that i've become #2. god, how that hurts. up until now it's been the situation to blame. now i've been usurped by a kid with a sailboat. this wouldn't normally be a big deal. i can deal with unevenly-weighted emotional situations. i have friends who have felt stronger about me than i did them and it was ok. it's fine and understood and not an issue. even the opposite. i love danielle to death but she's dating rob and that's ok because it's always been that way. it's understood and it's ok and we're both comfortable. this isn't ok. rarely ever are my sentiments matched by someone i care so much for. and to have that taken away... no, it's not ok. this changes everything and it's not ok.

what can i do? get angry? be mean? what now?

...

i had a dream just the other night. i've come to appreciate these because they're usually pretty accurate indicators of where i stand. much more stable than my waking state of mind, anyway.

i was visiting pittsburgh and attending a party, looking for people i knew there. the party was held parade-of-homes style in an old and cramped apartment building many floors off the ground. we were drinking and laughing and socializing while being led room to room through sagging doorways and peeling wallpapered of the tiny rooms. reminded me of a derelict urban and empty schonbrunn at the time.

i looked up and happened to see kelly laughing with some other people. she was wearing a cute hat and seemed happy. i turned the other direction and ran into ka, who i was probably trying to visit anyway. we greeted and i said shit, i forgot kelly might be here. she probably shouldn't see me hear, yeah? she agreed and the party was filtered into yet another room. i was wearing an old wfu hat so i moved with the crowd and kept my head down, back to her. i couldn't stop thinking how is it possible she wouldn't find me anyway? so awkward and tall. she never did...

...

friday night i was driving down to the beach with my dad. we had been watching a storm to the east (and ahead) of us all night as we drove and had caught up with it by the time we hit morehead city. crossed the bridge to atlantic beach and turned back to the west on the island. i had a mixtape in and beirut's "no dice" came on. he tried to say this was umm, some of that electronic music that you can dance to... what's the word? in my head i thought of how can i explain how this isn't techno but instead i reached into the backseat and found another, more recent mix. i changed them and sorted to track three, telling him that this was a dance song. black kids' "look at me (when i rock wichoo)" began and i turned up the volume to a level appropriate for a dance song.

the rain fell harder still and lightning occasionally lit the sky. the road, being low-set, was pockmarked with puddles of water both large and small, which were impossible to see with the rain as thick as it was. every few seconds the car would be jerked to one side or the other, myself left hanging on. lightning would strike a mile to our left or straight ahead a bolt would unzip the sky. i commented over the music how i never really saw the lightnings, only understood them and appreciated the after-images when they'd left. a bolt, in time with the music, struck somewhere extremely close and so bright that for the duration of its time i was enveloped, seeing not the road or my windshield or my gauges, the steering wheel, or my hands. every few seconds the car would try to wreck us in puddles. "crisis stop, we're all gonna drop." i knew, knew, for a few seconds that we were going to die.

...

kelly is in nyc so what happens now? she's in a relationship with dave and he's her number one and i'm still her best friend but there's no way i can phrase that where it doesn't feel like a consolation prize. how awful is that? it's only that i'm sick and tired of being the best friend. i love these people with all my heart and they love me back and go fuck their boyfriends.

we were skirting the issue of my companion depression and self-loathing friday over text when she told me that "she likes me and she loves talking to me." which... for the juxtaposition of "like" and "love" would have been a very nice text. as it stands... it's fine and wonderful, just never really what you want to hear. it's "let's be best friends." she told me last night that not too long ago she'd have given anything to be with me. again... not really what you want to hear. maybe then. not now. best friends.

she told dave about me. last monday. i should have pressed for more information but i had other things on my mind. this was bad news. in secret, i had a chance. if they were in a relationship and he didn't know about me, it was because she was hiding me. if she was hiding me, it was because i was important enough to be a disruption for the two of them. by uncovering me, she let me go. they're still together. i told her i could see it happening. her forming ideas, organizing emotions, drawing lines in the sand. she's got it in her head now that it's dave first and that's something i can do nothing about.

but she's in nyc. she's told me many times that she can talk to me like she can't him. so now that he's not around, what happens? likely, i'll continue to let the crazy out and sabotage everything. it's how i am. i can't stop it any more than the tides, not even in the name of love.