once i wanted to be...

it's buzzing tonight, the world, because of the alcohol i put in my drinks earlier. because of the email, automated and impersonal, kindly letting me know that novant health couldn't offer me employment at forsyth hospital. that i wasn't even invited for an interview. even after the strongly worded letter of recommendation. and the college contact who also held the position. she told me the doctors had received the letter and would call me when interviews start. i'm at the beach for two weeks and i'm the saddest i've been in a long time.

i sat in here earlier drinking with the television on and no phone for a while and couldn't see the black plastic latticework behind the keyboard for the white spots at the junctions.

i need to read and to talk myself silly but she's not here. my vacation is passing quickly. i track it based on our conversations. saturday night we texted until she didn't respond. she left a single message responding to an away that i left up just for her. we didn't talk for the rest of the day and i was lonely. monday i almost messaged her but decided not to. that night we talked for hours and i melted from resolved and honorable and atlas to her world to "letting it be"... wherein i try to be happy with whatever i get. unconcerned for dave or anyone else. nothing more, nothing less. she told me she was going to the camera obscura concert tuesday night with dave. said she felt like a traitor. she texted me once before she fell asleep and i responded with a "<3" and she knew what i meant. we didn't talk tuesday... but she texted me once from the concert. it was a picture of the band on stage and the text "when i told you i didn't love you, it was a lie." that's the last i heard from her. that's my vacation.

...

we set off yesterday morning for the usual intercoastal jaunt down towards swansboro. there were bombs in the sky. the dockmaster told us it was artillery fire over at the marine base up the waterway. you could feel it, like a demolition. i kept expecting it to hit me square in the chest like when the old press box fell but it never did. too far away. just the consistently varied background bursts that you felt in your soul more than heard. tiny explosions that you imagined more than knew. it should have been unsettling but it was horribly comfortable. i saw a wispy plume of black smoke to the east of us on the mainland. maybe i was born for a war zone...

i was lounging leaned back on the stern of the sea-doo as usual as we stole under the highway 58 and towards the town. i looked toward the sound of the bombs and saw lights in the sky. other boats passed but i stared at them. bright, hovering lights over the marine base. flares? planes? i don't know. they dropped slowly towards the earth or stayed still. once i lost one behind the treeline and there was another high up above. eventually they all disappeared and only the shock waves remained.

...

on the way back to the building on 58, we all looked to the north because the sky was dark and the clouds were burnt orange. the fire was acres wide.