alone too long

shouldn't leave a lover alone too long lover find another and the lover is gone find yourself alone in the setting sun gonna take a couple years before the next dawn

i don't particularly enjoy posts that aren't happy but sometimes it's most necessary to write when one is down and out. i'm moving slowly tonight, metabolizing the few beers and other food. i feel fat and hate myself for it. campus grounds is quiet... barely any business tonight. i keep closing my eyes and dreaming of sleeping. it's the one thing getting me through the night. i usually enjoy working with diddy a lot but then again, i'm usually less lonely and don't have headphones in and am not this tired.

there's a static unhappy in here. the window's open but no breeze comes in. all but one of the panes of glass on the front door are boarded up with fliers... like there's a hurricane coming. i can see three people from where i'm sitting. one girl in the front room. she has her back to me, reading in a coat. danielle is next to me looking at her computer and fiddling with her mouth and teeth and fingers. and there's myself. right here.

i wonder sometimes why it isn't easier. all these girls i know and have never met, all with boyfriends. how do they end up like that? there's a secret i don't know. will sheff once sang the most perfect words in all of music: "i don't know what notes you want to hear played. i can't think what lines you'd like me to sing or say. not sure what subjects you want mentioned. so pause and add your own intentions right here." it preceded the most perfect moment in all of music. and i love him and agree with him.

i wonder why i can't play a song and she would fall in love. i certainly would... for much less even. an entire mixtape. on a guitar. it's a cosmic joke, myself, my luck, my nature. where did all the single girls go?

it is killing me, not being asleep.

everybody knows

home sounds so good in theory. there's family. familiar places. comfort.

when was it that i moved past this place? it's certainly home, that's for sure. but it's not where i need to be anymore. i love my family but i'm lonely around them. i miss people i don't even know. i notice things now. people getting older. all the trite things we do, everything so predictable. i cringe every time somebody mentions the weather. i sigh when i realize that there's nothing better to talk about. i can't tell whether this is the life i want... domestic and endless.

then again, i suppose my life is as predictable as any. wipp gave me names and i found the girl i've never met. she's a sophomore. psychology major. from virginia. wipp thought she had a boyfriend. that's not surprising, i said. actually, i'd have bet my life on it, i said. she told me yeah, all the good ones are taken and only the losers are single and immediately left. congratulations to her for being so predictably female. still, i can't find any reason to be optimistic.

i had a down moment and texted danielle... told her i was sorry i didn't meet her earlier. (nestled inside, the intentions of meeting her before rob, of enjoying europe with her, of not being so goddamned lonely myself...) in a great moment of cosmic meaning (or no?) my phone vibrated while i was urinating. i knew it was her. she told me she was glad we finally met. it's a curiosity how she seems to care so much about me but can't even hint that she isn't completely enthralled by rob.

i haven't heard from georgia girl in weeks. that's done, i suppose.

i shouldn't end up writing about girls all the time. it just seems to mean the most right now. i've got work, research, interviews, post-exam plans, graduation... everything... and it all seems to fade beneath this cloak of hollowness. somehow, all i've got is nothing. i need to escape.