unlucky in love

i won't pretend to understand. there must be so many reasons. i remember riding in her car, a little mazda protege, back freshman year from luter to palmer for a group biology lab project. that was before...

this font is called Georgia and it is one of my favorites. i've been thinking about georgia girl a lot lately, mostly because she refuses to be my friend in an official and awful-modern "facebook" way. kr is my friend that way. she's even writing me back. georgia girl? not so much. it's depressing.

the night after we returned from out trip, i happened to be walking into my room when i got a text message. as i'm used to doing when i'm not particularly expecting to be written, i snuck a look at the name of the sender before reading the words. to my... let's say surprise... it was danielle. i put the phone down and stood in the middle of my room for a minute, collecting myself. it said she missed me. awwww. i got another as i was walking out of the laundry room five minutes later. it said she hoped my cruise was amazing. i almost fell down. i wrote her back about an hour after my original message and that was that. she never responded. don't ask me why.

last night i was tagged in a video someone had thrown up online. it's of one of our last nights in vienna. danielle is at her computer and talking about her boyfriend. she's trying to pull up a picture to show all the girls. telling them how it's his birthday and all. the camera pans to me and the girl behind it asks me what I thought of THAT. i just had this look on my face of... well what the fuck am i supposed to do about it? it hurts to watch.

emily was in the coffee shop tonight. it freaked me out a little bit. i took off my work shirt so i could feel more muscular in a white tee and i did. she walked past me twice and pretended not to notice me. i found myself glancing her way whenever i crossed the floor, though, and often i'd find her looking back. my mojo drained, though, and diddy had to tell them to leave for me. i went and laid on a couch in the dark back room.

is there something i've done to deserve this? i certainly don't claim to understand it. i meet only memories these days. georgia girl was interesting but paranoia grips me tight. i'm relatively convinced she doesn't know my name. i'm pretty solidly convinced she doesn't give a damn about me at all. i can't really blame her. i wrote about her while sitting in a window the last night on the ship but never published it. i think i get too caught up in telling a story and not enough caught up in explaining and exploring the result of all that. which is what i need to do... just not tonight.

georgia girl, danielle, and emily all in the same week. christ jesus.