no one deserves it

tonight is happy. i'm working with danielle (puff diddy) which is always a ton of fun. and there's a girl here...

last week i was working a closing shift when, to my dismay, i found that emily was camped out in the front room. i ignored her but was hoping for some sort of olive branch anyway, a glance or a word... anything. she passed by me twice without looking although god knows that was conscious because i glanced her glancing when i would wander around the main room and she was in her chair in the front. and i'd walk around in a large arc on purpose just to spy an image of her over there. it's been a long time, that's all. they hadn't left when we closed, so i got danielle to go tell them to leave. i lay in the dark back room on a couch until i heard the door shut.

this week it's the opposite. this girl i've never met before (but i want to, oh so badly). i saw her first at a basketball game months ago and had to ask the kids-that-know-kids near me if they'd ever seen her before. none had. we were unique, it seemed, the two of us. she was my special little lost memory. ever since then i've seen her everywhere... walking around campus, in the gym, at seize the quad, now in the coffee shop. she's a pretty girl, a face like one i haven't seen before. great looking body to boot. i asked danielle about her, just wanting to tell her about this situation. she told me the girl used to come in here a lot and that she thought she was in an art class with a friend of ours. so she frequents my coffee shop, goes to the gym, and does art. sounds better and better every second. like georgia girl and finding out she didn't just get drunk and dance with me, she read for pleasure as well.

she's purple to me (can i tell you that you are the purple in me?). i think she was wearing a purple scarf the first time i saw her. blue plaid shirt flannel shirt tonight and jeans without a belt. i wish she'd buy something. i want to get her name off her card and start a conversation. see if it could be accomplished without me coming off creepy or too forward. tradition dictates that she lives in florida and is dating a boy in boston... just for good measure. but i don't know any of that yet ;)

she has a beautiful movement about her. when in the gym, i found her first on the treadmill, then over by the weights sections doing a bit of resistance. she just floats around, alone but very content, almost smiling in my memories.

but i don't know who she is and i don't know how to meet her and i don't know when or where i'll see her again. i can only hope it's soon.

unlucky in love

i won't pretend to understand. there must be so many reasons. i remember riding in her car, a little mazda protege, back freshman year from luter to palmer for a group biology lab project. that was before...

this font is called Georgia and it is one of my favorites. i've been thinking about georgia girl a lot lately, mostly because she refuses to be my friend in an official and awful-modern "facebook" way. kr is my friend that way. she's even writing me back. georgia girl? not so much. it's depressing.

the night after we returned from out trip, i happened to be walking into my room when i got a text message. as i'm used to doing when i'm not particularly expecting to be written, i snuck a look at the name of the sender before reading the words. to my... let's say surprise... it was danielle. i put the phone down and stood in the middle of my room for a minute, collecting myself. it said she missed me. awwww. i got another as i was walking out of the laundry room five minutes later. it said she hoped my cruise was amazing. i almost fell down. i wrote her back about an hour after my original message and that was that. she never responded. don't ask me why.

last night i was tagged in a video someone had thrown up online. it's of one of our last nights in vienna. danielle is at her computer and talking about her boyfriend. she's trying to pull up a picture to show all the girls. telling them how it's his birthday and all. the camera pans to me and the girl behind it asks me what I thought of THAT. i just had this look on my face of... well what the fuck am i supposed to do about it? it hurts to watch.

emily was in the coffee shop tonight. it freaked me out a little bit. i took off my work shirt so i could feel more muscular in a white tee and i did. she walked past me twice and pretended not to notice me. i found myself glancing her way whenever i crossed the floor, though, and often i'd find her looking back. my mojo drained, though, and diddy had to tell them to leave for me. i went and laid on a couch in the dark back room.

is there something i've done to deserve this? i certainly don't claim to understand it. i meet only memories these days. georgia girl was interesting but paranoia grips me tight. i'm relatively convinced she doesn't know my name. i'm pretty solidly convinced she doesn't give a damn about me at all. i can't really blame her. i wrote about her while sitting in a window the last night on the ship but never published it. i think i get too caught up in telling a story and not enough caught up in explaining and exploring the result of all that. which is what i need to do... just not tonight.

georgia girl, danielle, and emily all in the same week. christ jesus.