a weekend lonely sort

a lonely weekend at a crowded beach house. how can that be? alone in a room full of people? well, i suppose it's not such a mystery. loneliness has nothing to do with the people you're with, only the ones you're without.

and so i'm sitting back in the apartment, lights out, thinking of the girl i haven't seen in weeks. maybe tomorrow morning. i hope so... although i run out of the breeze blowing in me. whatever it is that forces my hand throughout the day. that thing that puts one foot in front of the other, that spits the words from my breast. it's been so long, and this is the scary part, that i forget what a real human girl she is. what i do, and this is nothing new, is allow her to be elevated with distance and time to some sort of ideal. an impossibly larger than life winged diety. it's no longer her face i can even see, but just the idea of her. and i think about it all day long. i check email only to see if she's written me back. if a notification pops up, i'll lose my breath. heart beat pauses. heat rises from a well deep down. only to be let down once, twice, and again.

the last time she wrote me, i was in the coffee shop working. it was the most beautiful thing i'd seen in ages. i had to pause and collect myself for a moment. (let's pause and add our own intentions... right here) she sounds so sincere when she apologizes, when she says she would LOVE to get dinner very soon. that tug of war begins again, the one between my elevated, high-flying ideal and the solemn kid inside who wants so bad to remind me how it's been in the past. how everyone i've gotten close to has changed. how i never know what anyone else is thinking. how morgan acted (how i can't believe her). how i really and truly know that danielle visited her boyfriend in boston before she moved here. (but those are her words on the page, that's TRUTH) but who's to say it will always be that way? whenever i hunt vampires, i never find them. whenever i trust completely, i fall on my stake.

but if it's really like it has been... if she's really no different... will i regret it? can i find comfort in that pain, same as always? or, and i laugh at myself when i realize this, can i just get dinner with a friend?

what will hurt is the realization that we are friends, as wonderful as that is. i know that and i can't stop it. i can only hope i've grown enough that i can handle that.

i hate all this speculative writing. it's not me at all. where's all the honesty? i'm crazy about danielle right now and for no reason at all. why? because she was that girl back in stats class a year ago. the one i always wanted to meet but never did. the one i never spoke to but noticed every single day. and now i've met her. now we're friends. hopefully we're getting dinner soon. that's why it's such a big deal. that's why she's a big deal. she was so sweet in vienna, so understanding, so kind. if i can break her collarbone and fuck up her rotator cuff (and i did!) and she still wants to get dinner with me (she does!) then maybe there's something there after all.

maybe. god, maybe.