bright shiny morning

i know, i know...

(i know)

there's a girl sitting across the room from me. i can't quite figure her out. she's a mix of alli, angela, and danielle a. to mine eye. the back room of the coffee shop is quiet except for the whispers of a standing fellow to my new friend will (fast and loose with "friend", there, eh?). i can't really tell. i have headphones in. but it seems reasonable...

this girl has dark hair pulled back and is wearing a purple-reddish tank top and concerned eyes. she's acting like her laptop is presenting her with an interesting challenge. always making faces and squinting. i'm not going to lie, it's cute. she is. squint.

we're in the back room of the coffee shop.

she looked at me a minute ago and i looked down real quick. then slyly looked to the right and left... all around the room. well, it made me feel cool, anyway. i think she caught me. not that she'd do anything about it. oh my god she just bit her thumbnail. i think we're soulmates. (i soul-out too often, don't i know it) ... (it's just that jenny lewis makes me want to be next to someone)

there are a hundred thousand things i've meant to say in the last long, long while but none of them are going to be written. i just don't get to it enough.

it was a bright shiny morning last sunday i went outside while my parents were at church to hit golf balls in the backyard. underrated times, those. morning is my favorite part of the day... and the part i sleep through the most. it was getting late but the grass still twinkled with the last dew and the sun still burned through a discreet wash of moisture in the air. i'd brought out the old three wood, which was my first mistake. oh well, the rest doesn't bear mentioning. but rest assured, aside from the golfing, it was brilliant.

i'm concerned... well, not concerned, but a bit interested... about danielle a. i can't remember the last time i saw her, probably before the first biomech exam, but we haven't spoken in a long time. i remember the time she mentioned dinner without provocation. i've been paid now... i need to go remind her. on my way home this past weekend, i dropped her off a mixtape in a plastic bag. i didn't leave any sign that it was from me but i'd assume it was fairly obvious. point is, i haven't heard anything about it. now, scarier, maybe one of the kids that lived there somehow found it, got the cd out, and put the bag over his head and died. or maybe, maybe, a family dog found it and tore it to shreds... or consumed the bag and died. i should have hung it up somewhere. i'm probably public enemy number one. (or maybe it's just that she hasn't seen me since then and therefore hasn't said anything)

...

it was on the couch right next to her i lay one night listening to the newest belle & sebastian album and talking to dubs online, even though she was right across the room. then she came over, leaned down to kiss me, and left. i remember wondering how lucky i was.

...

i'd bet i'm better off with jenny than dubs anyway

...

meghan and i drove to knoxville the other night. conor was there and jenny too. i got sick on the way home. i remember her speeding down I40 in the middle of the Appalachians, without a lane, around all the other folks, looking for a place to pull off so i could be rescued. i remember the blurriness, the fuzziness, the warmth, the lisping, the weakness, and the fear. we pulled off on the road to old fort. it was deserted. i climbed out my door and sat in the dewy, two in the morning grass with my head in my hands. the freezing air felt good. i regained consciousness. oh, to have the gas station bathroom back. but i wouldn't trade that moment for the world.

i love her so much. she knows it too.

...

i need to sleep. whatnot in the morning. i love. just wish others did too.