it's become so obvious

there's light coming in the living room window like a prophesy. shines from below to strike the ceiling, forceful and confident. darth vader if he could wink. there's an outline of a beer bottle in the next window. i'd be lying if i said it wasn't a good night. i'd be lying if i said i was happy now. so it goes.

the pool was great, though smattered with frat boys and sorority girls. not my cup of tea but they cleared out as an apparent thunderstorm approached. i didn't get much done but i'm not sure what i could have asked for anyway. the cookout was as pleasant as possible and i was glad to do some cooking myself for a change. and the rest of the night was generally pleasant in the way that being surrounded by drunk friends can be. football, beers, games etc. more victories than fails. can't ask for much more, right? the problem lies in other places... like being the one of the only slowly sobering kids there (driver). like feeling close to people i'm particularly affectionate for while realizing it's only because they're drunk. like waiting while the last few pong shots are missed. it's a sadness that comes when you sink into being isolated in a sea of friends. tired, tired, tired.

i walked out to get some air. to move my car from the pool house to the apartment. removal... for just a second. i staggered out there in the dark (almost sober!) and climbed in. searched for an album that i could feel in the moment. i stuck in okkervil's last and was looking for a certain song but stumbled upon "unless it's kicks" first. the song i sat on a back porch in vienna and played to myself. the one which, on the plane home, made danielle write down the name of the band and which made me want to send her a certain package in the mail. i idled down towards the apartment and eased into a parking spot, leaving the car on and leaning back against the headrest, eyes closed. brief, blissful ignorance of what's real. chord movements and drum beats. arrangements. mixing. production. will sheff. will sheff...

it's hard to say anything about the night. i got a lot of wonderful pictures. fun times pictures... senior year college pictures. you know. i wore danielle's glasses for a little while until she realized i had them on and took them from me. i think they looked good on me. i flipped cups at the last instant. i made pong shots. i danced a very little, and with myself. but the more sober i got and the more drunk, loud, and, in darcy's case, combative people got, the less it was that great. and i wish i weren't there. this isn't a new thought at all and i know it. it's the same thought i have all the time. it's a madlib, a fill in the blank, the easiest word problem. i wished i was with danielle. in all honesty, it could have been anyone. that's fairly obvious. but for now and a little while, i suspect, it will be her. someone so relaxed... i must be careful not to mix up danielle and morgan. i want to say easy to deal with (certainly both) and wonderful to talk to... well, wait. that's wrong. morgan was easy to talk to but shot her credibility throughout the last week. danielle was wonderful the entire flight back but does she deserve the praise she gets? maybe she doesn't. maybe i just say nice things about pretty, non-horrible girls who hang out with me. maybe so. i still love her. her taste in music is refreshingly interesting at least. i want to open her up, crack her like a nut.

i want to sit with her inside the dark closet under the stairs during a party and talk. i want to show up to events together, hand in hand, to have that security of never having to be alone. i want a lot. this isn't new. jake and i met her between biomechanics classes the other day. she hugged me. i felt like it was because we were closer than normal. she hugged jake second but in my mind it was a diversion to awkwardness. in my mind. things run wild in my mind.

it's still dark in here. should be for hours more. i'm going to shiver in bed tonight, alone.

i'm the man who loves you.