the black sheep boy

i know i don't visit as much as i should. that i only drop by when i need to confess. it's something i need to get back to. it's strange to be back. it's often strange to be back, places you've left. it changes but it doesn't, you know? it feels as much like home here as it ever has before. i'm in a new apartment with old and new kids.

two of my roommates i'm tight with. sean i lived with last year and jake i knew well then and traveled with this summer. the other is a bit of a mystery. patrick. i don't trust him as much. i don't get as much enjoyment from his incessant silliness. this actually attracted one of my good friends, though, so she's over here all the time. which is really wonderful, actually. except that she's often hanging on him or giggling with him etc. ka, i've always wanted to be closer to her. to be real friends with her. real close friends who talk about things. which is to say, i wish she were hanging on me instead of him. it's a double-edged sword. i work for her now. she's over here often. i see her a lot and it feels like she's closer than she ever has been. but it's just not quite right. i'm still deeper friends with her friends than with her. that's strange. i've met one of them, the one i speak to the most, once. that shouldn't be.

at deacndive the other night, patrick and i were having a quickie relationship heart-to-heart with ashley. i made a comment that it seemed like any girl i'd have feelings for is already dating someone else. patrick jumped on this and wanted me to provide an example after i claimed to know/be speaking of people outside our immediate circle of friends. i fear he suspects interest in kristin... which is pretty much true. i'm not dying for that to become a truth, though, in the sense that it exists in other planes than in my head. i'm not sure i dispelled the rumours in his mind but i carried her car keys and texted her a couple times at the bar (bad idea, you think) and when they got kicked out for reasons patrick wouldn't exactly specify, i drove them home. one sat in the front, one in the back. considerate, no? i even screened for them a bit at the house in a sorry attempt to prevent dissonance and awkwardness regarding the search for TRUTH... namely, why we all were at home instead of the bar.

this isn't killing me. she won't break my heart. it was never that to start with. i'm ambivalent - we all are - about patrick and her. the fact that i've a touch of jealousy isn't anything particularly new or exciting. in fact, i can't think of anything more mundane. i should not, could not, would not interfere in their relationship anyway. he lives next to me for god's sake. i thought about it standing outside with critter and jrod, having a truth session. as much as i hated to think it or say it, there's a good chance that given the green light, i'd do something dumb with someone with a boyfriend, provided he lives far away. i'm not that stupid otherwise. it depends on the person. for example...

...

danielle from vienna. we've heard all about morgan time and again and there's really no reason to rehash her. in fact, i was shocked to see that she responded to a mass email i'd sent out and am not that she hasn't responded to my response to such. maybe i'll write her again someday. maybe not. maybe. but danielle, she's a different story. she's the broken one. i still feel horrible about that. about a week after we got back, i mailed her a package with a couple postcards, a completed sudoku puzzle, the most recent okkervil river album, and a pretty good mixtape. trying to be kind, you know. trying to brighten her day. trying to steal her away. you know how i do. and... well, i didn't hear anything from her. i wrote to ask how her shoulder was. never heard back... a couple days ago she wrote me and told me i was awesome and so was my care package. i responded in kind and she did the same. this is all just splendid. it turns out her trip to boston was quite special (and i'm happy for her, really, she deserves it...) and she's feeling better even though she had to postpone her DAT a month. this really hit me hard. i hate to injure someone i love as much as the next guy but she'd been thinking and studying for that test all month. to affect that really hurt. she's so easy though. i know there's no ill will. i know it. doesn't mean i don't feel bad. i feel bad. she's wonderful though. i suppose there's a chance i'll see her in one of my classes today or thursday. i wonder how that will be... there's a few people i'm curious about.

...

nastia liukin just dropped by on leno. she's a someday to me.

...

this year could be good. our party didn't get busted up. i puked in my toilet (like i thought!) before i slept in my bed. new bars, new apartments, friends all around. volleyball, running, and golf. i only hope i have enough time to sit and read or write like i ended up with last semester. if only. and get coffee with kara, who has been a sweetie to me ever since i met her. and walk and drink with meghan, whom i still love to death. concerts. movies. classes? classes.

goodnight for now. i promise i won't be a stranger.