it's become so obvious

there's light coming in the living room window like a prophesy. shines from below to strike the ceiling, forceful and confident. darth vader if he could wink. there's an outline of a beer bottle in the next window. i'd be lying if i said it wasn't a good night. i'd be lying if i said i was happy now. so it goes.

the pool was great, though smattered with frat boys and sorority girls. not my cup of tea but they cleared out as an apparent thunderstorm approached. i didn't get much done but i'm not sure what i could have asked for anyway. the cookout was as pleasant as possible and i was glad to do some cooking myself for a change. and the rest of the night was generally pleasant in the way that being surrounded by drunk friends can be. football, beers, games etc. more victories than fails. can't ask for much more, right? the problem lies in other places... like being the one of the only slowly sobering kids there (driver). like feeling close to people i'm particularly affectionate for while realizing it's only because they're drunk. like waiting while the last few pong shots are missed. it's a sadness that comes when you sink into being isolated in a sea of friends. tired, tired, tired.

i walked out to get some air. to move my car from the pool house to the apartment. removal... for just a second. i staggered out there in the dark (almost sober!) and climbed in. searched for an album that i could feel in the moment. i stuck in okkervil's last and was looking for a certain song but stumbled upon "unless it's kicks" first. the song i sat on a back porch in vienna and played to myself. the one which, on the plane home, made danielle write down the name of the band and which made me want to send her a certain package in the mail. i idled down towards the apartment and eased into a parking spot, leaving the car on and leaning back against the headrest, eyes closed. brief, blissful ignorance of what's real. chord movements and drum beats. arrangements. mixing. production. will sheff. will sheff...

it's hard to say anything about the night. i got a lot of wonderful pictures. fun times pictures... senior year college pictures. you know. i wore danielle's glasses for a little while until she realized i had them on and took them from me. i think they looked good on me. i flipped cups at the last instant. i made pong shots. i danced a very little, and with myself. but the more sober i got and the more drunk, loud, and, in darcy's case, combative people got, the less it was that great. and i wish i weren't there. this isn't a new thought at all and i know it. it's the same thought i have all the time. it's a madlib, a fill in the blank, the easiest word problem. i wished i was with danielle. in all honesty, it could have been anyone. that's fairly obvious. but for now and a little while, i suspect, it will be her. someone so relaxed... i must be careful not to mix up danielle and morgan. i want to say easy to deal with (certainly both) and wonderful to talk to... well, wait. that's wrong. morgan was easy to talk to but shot her credibility throughout the last week. danielle was wonderful the entire flight back but does she deserve the praise she gets? maybe she doesn't. maybe i just say nice things about pretty, non-horrible girls who hang out with me. maybe so. i still love her. her taste in music is refreshingly interesting at least. i want to open her up, crack her like a nut.

i want to sit with her inside the dark closet under the stairs during a party and talk. i want to show up to events together, hand in hand, to have that security of never having to be alone. i want a lot. this isn't new. jake and i met her between biomechanics classes the other day. she hugged me. i felt like it was because we were closer than normal. she hugged jake second but in my mind it was a diversion to awkwardness. in my mind. things run wild in my mind.

it's still dark in here. should be for hours more. i'm going to shiver in bed tonight, alone.

i'm the man who loves you.

the black sheep boy

i know i don't visit as much as i should. that i only drop by when i need to confess. it's something i need to get back to. it's strange to be back. it's often strange to be back, places you've left. it changes but it doesn't, you know? it feels as much like home here as it ever has before. i'm in a new apartment with old and new kids.

two of my roommates i'm tight with. sean i lived with last year and jake i knew well then and traveled with this summer. the other is a bit of a mystery. patrick. i don't trust him as much. i don't get as much enjoyment from his incessant silliness. this actually attracted one of my good friends, though, so she's over here all the time. which is really wonderful, actually. except that she's often hanging on him or giggling with him etc. ka, i've always wanted to be closer to her. to be real friends with her. real close friends who talk about things. which is to say, i wish she were hanging on me instead of him. it's a double-edged sword. i work for her now. she's over here often. i see her a lot and it feels like she's closer than she ever has been. but it's just not quite right. i'm still deeper friends with her friends than with her. that's strange. i've met one of them, the one i speak to the most, once. that shouldn't be.

at deacndive the other night, patrick and i were having a quickie relationship heart-to-heart with ashley. i made a comment that it seemed like any girl i'd have feelings for is already dating someone else. patrick jumped on this and wanted me to provide an example after i claimed to know/be speaking of people outside our immediate circle of friends. i fear he suspects interest in kristin... which is pretty much true. i'm not dying for that to become a truth, though, in the sense that it exists in other planes than in my head. i'm not sure i dispelled the rumours in his mind but i carried her car keys and texted her a couple times at the bar (bad idea, you think) and when they got kicked out for reasons patrick wouldn't exactly specify, i drove them home. one sat in the front, one in the back. considerate, no? i even screened for them a bit at the house in a sorry attempt to prevent dissonance and awkwardness regarding the search for TRUTH... namely, why we all were at home instead of the bar.

this isn't killing me. she won't break my heart. it was never that to start with. i'm ambivalent - we all are - about patrick and her. the fact that i've a touch of jealousy isn't anything particularly new or exciting. in fact, i can't think of anything more mundane. i should not, could not, would not interfere in their relationship anyway. he lives next to me for god's sake. i thought about it standing outside with critter and jrod, having a truth session. as much as i hated to think it or say it, there's a good chance that given the green light, i'd do something dumb with someone with a boyfriend, provided he lives far away. i'm not that stupid otherwise. it depends on the person. for example...

...

danielle from vienna. we've heard all about morgan time and again and there's really no reason to rehash her. in fact, i was shocked to see that she responded to a mass email i'd sent out and am not that she hasn't responded to my response to such. maybe i'll write her again someday. maybe not. maybe. but danielle, she's a different story. she's the broken one. i still feel horrible about that. about a week after we got back, i mailed her a package with a couple postcards, a completed sudoku puzzle, the most recent okkervil river album, and a pretty good mixtape. trying to be kind, you know. trying to brighten her day. trying to steal her away. you know how i do. and... well, i didn't hear anything from her. i wrote to ask how her shoulder was. never heard back... a couple days ago she wrote me and told me i was awesome and so was my care package. i responded in kind and she did the same. this is all just splendid. it turns out her trip to boston was quite special (and i'm happy for her, really, she deserves it...) and she's feeling better even though she had to postpone her DAT a month. this really hit me hard. i hate to injure someone i love as much as the next guy but she'd been thinking and studying for that test all month. to affect that really hurt. she's so easy though. i know there's no ill will. i know it. doesn't mean i don't feel bad. i feel bad. she's wonderful though. i suppose there's a chance i'll see her in one of my classes today or thursday. i wonder how that will be... there's a few people i'm curious about.

...

nastia liukin just dropped by on leno. she's a someday to me.

...

this year could be good. our party didn't get busted up. i puked in my toilet (like i thought!) before i slept in my bed. new bars, new apartments, friends all around. volleyball, running, and golf. i only hope i have enough time to sit and read or write like i ended up with last semester. if only. and get coffee with kara, who has been a sweetie to me ever since i met her. and walk and drink with meghan, whom i still love to death. concerts. movies. classes? classes.

goodnight for now. i promise i won't be a stranger.