you can't hold the hand of a rock and roll man

i really thought i would write tonight. i really thought it was a good night. words in vienna. anger maybe. something like what used to be. fuck that. i don't know if i've grown as an author or just changed. maybe for the worse. i was looking back today at some stuff i wrote back in 04 or 05 and it was wonderful. it was full of energy, of ideas. not just talking about whatever shit happened that day. i need to get back to that. i have to get back to that.

whenever i close my eyes, they swell up and rage against the back of my eyelids. pounding. beat of the music. the man in my head is dancing. it's hot, smothering heat. the lights around me are killing me slowly. odd how it hurts more at the top of my eyelids than the bottom. it's probably empathetic suffering for those walking to the club. i can't open my eyes in a club. can't do it.

i'm about to hit you with something obvious. it's strange how people change.

i was feeling pretty good after my long walk with morgan the other night. i thought hey, maybe there's something here. maybe we're special. we're not. i'm not sure she gives a damn about me. see, i do this thing. this thing where i get all paranoid and eager to rollercoaster from one peak to another valley and back again. i get all quiet. moody and suburban.

if i close my eyes, the top of my head moves. i feel sick. i can't focus again.

she's reserved, quiet. if we're the only two people in the room, she still wouldn't talk to me. unless we're alone in some social situation, like our walk. then it's gold. see, the more i spend time with her in a real way, the more i love her. horrible, yeah. i listen to every word she says. i watch every move she makes. i just know it inside. i know she doesn't care. i know she won't carry on this friendship. for all i know, she's hooking up with every guy in the house except me. at least one of them wouldn't surprise me. but what do i know?

i want myself to leave myself alone for a while. i just want to relax and spend time with her. alone. somewhere. i want to believe it's real. there are other girls. one hooks up with all the athletes on campus. the other never leaves the house and has a boyfriend that one of them brought up tonight. i've been sending her music. she's not mentioned him all trip. everyone is in bed. i'm not too far behind.

fuck fuck fuck.