walk it by yourself

i'm all peaks and valleys. ever since i spoke to her. i was told once not to put anyone on a pedestal but i do it anyway. every move she makes, i'm considering. everyone she talks to. every time she makes a social decision, i'm there. it's not fair to her. not fair at all. only... i'm wondering if it's not fair to me either.

when morgan and i got lost in the wien burbs on monday night, i felt a real connection to her. the two of us were the only ones around and we conversed like we meant it and that led me to believe we might be friends for a really long time. in retrospect, i'm not entirely sure what to believe. she never said in literal language that she didn't feel the same way about me that i did her. always acted complimentary and appreciative. i get the feeling she simply said what she needed to for the situation to work out well. which it did, i mean... i feel like the hug and "i love you to death, all right? you know what i mean" freaked her out some, even though she said it didn't. i don't know.

she's tough to read. the rest of the week we spent exactly like the weeks before. as if we were never close. maybe we weren't. maybe she's reacting the same way i do when i find out someone i am uninterested in has feelings for me. maybe she's just more tactful about it. there was a cloud of sadness, though, hanging over me for much of the week. when she spoke to me, it was jokingly. when she sat in a chair, it was never next to me. we had our moments but they were completely superficial and social. never anything more.

then at the biergarten last night she asked me how my back was feeling. just out of the blue. something she had to think about and start a conversation for. it was thoughtful. i told a friend that what kills me is that i'll take five percent of someone's attention and ninety five percent of their ignorance if i think they're special. that's exactly what happened.

she's sleeping in the next room but leaving early in the morning so we said goodbye tonight. it was almost as impersonal as when we met. a quick hug and a couple words and it was over. i hung around in the hallway for a sec and grabbed her hand when she went into her room but all she said was to enjoy myself at the park. that's it?

as far as i can tell, she doesn't really give a damn. we won't be friends after tomorrow. i would damn well love to, i just can't see it happening. it's a shame, really. i can't figure out if i did anything wrong. maybe she's just reserved. maybe she's aloof. maybe she's just not into me. yeah, maybe.

...

i had beautiful dreams last night. in the midst of some context were morgan and i. she had just started dating someone and i was being sane. she knew how i felt about her. since we were actually spending time together, she became confused and nervous. she proposed that we date while she was with the other guy, not to tell him. i turned her down. she was panicky and asked me just how long i would feel that way about her. i told her that if i believed she was for real, it wouldn't be very short. she seemed to take it to heart. so did i. for the rest of the dream, we both just waited for her to break up with him. it was going to happen. it was always going to happen.

...

"If this was the cold war we could keep each other warm," I said
On the first occasion that I met Marie
We were crawling through the hatch that was
The missle silo door
And I don't think that she really thought that much of me
I never had to learn to love her
Like I learned to love the bomb
She just came along and started to ignore me
But as we waited for the big one
I started singing her my songs
And I think she started feeling something for me

...

we passed on the stairs when i was leaving for the park. she said goodbye and i did too, quietly. somehow i doubt she heard it. maybe that's the last i'll ever see of her. maybe, but i hope not.