(i think it's going to be a long, long time)

hitch is only halfway over and i'm up in my room listening to elton john and elliott smith. does that give you an idea of how tonight is? i only drank one third of my bottle of wine because i didn't want to be any kind of intoxicated tonight. this is for real.

today was wonderful. a couple of us went out to some interesting viennese apartments and ate desserts at a cafe there. i played guitar outside. read some. went out to sushi with amazing kids. morgan was there the entire time. but i got quiet... the only way i could think to describe it was maybe... that everything that came out of my mouth must be the wrong thing to say. i walked downstairs because the movie was supposed to start and met her on the way up. gave her a high-five. only now do i realize how much chance must be associated in that. she asked me if i was ok. i got completely nervous and talked my way around things very quietly for a little while. looking off in all directions. she kept at it. very concerned and all, very sweet. wanted to talk to me about things. i decided to go instead of stop. we decided to take a walk and talk.

i took the path less traveled and i mean that literally. we walked down streets we'd never seen before and talked about our lives, our pasts, our ideas of ourselves. she's really wonderful, i wish you knew. it eventually ended up that she wanted to give me advice (we're really so similar) and i anecdoted that i had another friend who gave advice about this very subject. how i should respond. i told her... out loud and in words... that she was my favorite person in that house. she knows that right? she took it as a compliment and we talked on. i don't think she grasped the situation. we went on and arrived at my issue again. i made her guess. she brought up all the thing's we'd spoken of (she listened!) and on again upon my prodding finally stumbled upon whadt i'd said. we were quite lost by now (although i think our landmark was just a little farther ahead...) and so we turned around. i tried to make sure we were on the same page... that she's my favorite etc. she didn't speak as though she was following which lead me to believe that was her answer. that very non-reaction. that very friendly reaction. that's my answer. that's fine, too. i just wanted to know. so i said yeah, we're on the same page. she didn't believe me.

she guessed that i liked her (middle school?). i responded in the affirmative and told her i needed to create a strategic plan right quick. i ever so slowly enumerated to her how i felt, the proper gravity of the situation, and how i'd hoped she would react (without aversion). she seemed to understand completely. and even appreciative. the fact, i think, that i was so honestly and akwardly honest really had an affect. at least i had that. it was ok, though, because i think we were on the same page then. she explained how her life was changing, how she's shifting her entire life now and leaving behind the entire college thing (all those people)...(boyfriends etc.) and on to new things. it made perfect sense. my timing is the god-awful worst. but she appreciates me too, knows the difficulties of being real on this trip. she sees me, i know it, who i am. and i feel like i have a taste of the real morgan as well. it's something.

we almost got even more lost on the way home. she was visibly nervous, always looking over her shoulder and walking fast. it was dark and there were really no other people on the lonely streets we were walking. it was almost cute. i found our way back to the park and to the house without much issue, something of which she was thankful. i swear i would have protected her. i thought about it for a minute and decided to be honest one last time. before the buzzed into the house, i took her aside. i told her that i had one last thing to say, something which i would follow with "you know what i mean." so i told her, "i love you to death, ok?" and i hugged her deep and hard. "you know what i mean."

apparently she didn't quite get it because after i took a quick break from the movie, she pulled me into the kitchen and got curious. i assured her that i meant it, that she's special to me, and that she knows what i mean. that we're ok. that i hope we're ok for a very long time. (not all that was said out loud) i think maybe now we are on the same page. i found her writing about her weekend trip earlier. said she writes a lot. damn...

i mean what can i say? i regret that things didn't work out with someone who fits me like a glove. i'm not looking forward to the immediate future. one of comparing everyone i meet to her standard. i doubt the next girl i summon the courage to be honest to will be quite so refreshing to deal with. i only hope that when it happens, i'll have her to talk to about it. i don't have any right to expect anything more than friendship right now so that's what i'll work on. being a good and sane friend. i can dream, though. believe me, i will.