the devil never sleeps

i know what time it is. i know i'm waking up in two point five hours. i know.

i'm drawn to write, though, because i'm in a bind. budapest can fucking wait. i can sleep on the train. i don't know.

problem: there's this girl. when is that not a problem of mine? a moment for a candid and hopefully honest description... her name is one of mine. she has long brown hair that curls a little. she's a bit tall for a girl but not nearly taller than me. she's intelligent and a year older, having graduated in the spring. she's been traveling europe for a couple months now. she's going to med school next year. her feet are really dry. she doesn't really have a prominent chin. her veins are quite close to the surface and readily visible. she's very mellow and doesn't buy into college girl squabble shit. her eyes are spectacularly big and brown.

usually the last line would be something like... "she's beautiful", but that would be a judgment, not an objective description. even more, it would be something i'd say just because she pays the slightest bit of attention to me. the worst part about being me is not only feeling inappropriately about people all the time but never really trusting your feelings to be true anyway. i find a little solice in that i don't feel nearly the same way about holly, even though she's the one i wrote about dating in the last entry. this kid, she's a dark horse. she's new. other girls would have a part of me, i know it. the thing is, i'm not attracted to them in the least. it doesn't bother me. no second thoughts. this one, though, i guess i care about. she's better than the rest. she's above them. now, there are other people who pay me attention that i know i get worked up over as well. i'm not sure it's entirely justified. lets look at the empirical evidence. i guess it's better to tear down and build up than blindly forge ahead (aha), no?

the veins thing is odd. it's all arms and legs though. her boobs aren't huge. not a big deal. the chin thing isn't really an issue either. it's just that when i look into her eyes... it draws me in, you know? it's something i can't get around. she's not the most outgoing girl, but will go out on occasion. that's cool too, i'm the same way. i love that she doesn't buy into the fighting and dumbshit that characterizes most all the girls i know. i love that she's above all that. i also love that when she talks to me for real, when we're sitting alone or when i'm telling her i hope she enjoys her weekend, i feel like she's paying attention. is it so sad that i'm enthralled by that? but she very slyly waits up when i'm walking behind the others in a group. but she does that...

my point is, this has only been on the table for a couple days. maybe three... at the most. i remember her on the train ride home from prague. we sat next to each other. i kept my water bottle in her bag. i'm trying to be myself. i believe in myself to some social extent. i believe there's no reason people shouldn't want to be closer to me. i believe that if they ignore that, they aren't someone i need anyway. there's a girl in our program who's been really sick the last day or so. earlier in the trip we'd talked about music and so today, before a couple of us left for belvedere, i emailed her the prettiest iron & wine song i've ever heard, resurrection fern. to make her feel better. that's me. she loved it. this girl, the one we've been talking about until the tangent, she loves mountain men. she brings up her ex boyfriend every now and then. i can't decide whether this is to bring up a boyfriend or to emphasize the ex-ness of the situation. it's no surprise that i have no idea. i walked in her room tonight to talk about the fact that she went out with two of the older guys (who got shitfaced) and didn't come back to the house and meet the rest of the group so we could all go out. she seemed sincerely sorry. it wasn't a big deal. we wished each other well for the weekends traveling and she looked me right in the eye. i felt like the center of the world.

i want to sulk. i want to be mad. i decided not to be mad anymore about a week and a half ago. can't start now. she seemed honest. now i can't believe i won't see her again till sunday. i think a part of me wants a long-distance relationship because that feels like something i can do. that lets me be myself without dealing with the inevitable awkwardness of presence. as if there's a chance in hell. as if i'll ever know.

her name's morgan. la la la lovely.