because

i would usually begin a post after a two month absence with an apology for not writing but this time i won't. it really should be something i do because i want to, not because i have to. i'm situated in a dark room in the first floor of a house in the 19th district of vienna, austria. strange, no? i can see the dying projector in the room to the right and the streetlit street outside a few windows to the left. all glistening with rain. all thunders following lightnings. i wanted to be alone but there are a couple girls in a room across the foyer... they're giggling. there's not much i can do about that.

see, a couple seconds ago i poked my head in the door to see if anyone was there, before turning and walking away. they called me back in to say hi and see if i was fine. you know, because i'm so obvious when i get in these moods. so quiet. i told them i was and that i was just going to write some. they assumed it was for a paper we should all be working on but i told them no, writing just because. i think they thought it was a little strange. maybe i'm a little strange. i don't really care. if they cared as much as i did about anything, they would come in here and talk to me. maybe they will. i really don't know these things.

we all just watched a movie. american beauty. 1999. i only mention the year because the last song, the one playing over the credits, is stuck in my head. it's an elliott smith cover of the beatles' "because". this is strange, i think, because the rest of the classic songs in the movie, as far as i can tell, aren't covers. also because elliott committed suicide four years later. i thought that was interesting, considering the film.

i might have been quiet anyway, but i feel like i am because most of these girls started talking. they'd comment on the movie, make snap judgments, call it 'fucked up'. i could say that because i'm a film minor, because movies mean a ton to me, because i'd never seen it before and i was really enjoying it, that one might understand my frustration in these interruptions. but really, i think, it's because i'm a little disappointed. there's a level of ignorance on display. films, good ones anyway, are art. i like art a lot. i don't really feel like anyone can judge art solely on their first impressions. i tend to feel like you have to try to first, pay attention, and second, let yourself believe everything you're being told. you have to understand what the filmmaker is trying to say (and even how he's doing it). when you understand what you're meant to, then maybe you're qualified to agree or disagree or simply label. that's fair. calling any movie 'fucked up', you know, just for example, without paying attention or understanding it at all, is just ignorant. i think that's what really got me down. i'm living with these kids for three more weeks. i want to make friends with them badly. i want to earn their respect but i also want to respect them for real reasons, ones they deserve. whatever happened was a blow to that.

i really should reserve judgment. they probably don't understand. they probably didn't realize that i was serious when i motioned for them to quiet down because there's a movie on. probably thought i was mocking the situation because i joke a lot. i should learn to cut slack. i have learned a bit, though. i buy into the meditation we do. i believe that i can choose whether to be angry or not. i tried to focus myself and pay attention myself and hope that maybe i understood so that i could make that judgment that the movie deserved. and i'm not being angry here, either, just writing what i believe. and i'm proud of that, you know.

i get the notion sometimes that i'm more receptive to people, especially girls, who are receptive to me... or at least who act like it. that's probably why i want to like or love or respect this one girl here. she's of syrian background, pretty beautiful, and is dating a guy i don't respect at all. the more she talks to me and pays attention to me and calls me by my nickname of the trip (deutschland... yep), the more i want to feel better about her. but at the same time, i realize that she acts like a whore most of the time. and i realize that she's pretty ignorant about stuff like good movies. and i realize that maybe she's not as receptive to everything in the world... like i try to be. (and yet i believe, maybe she just doesn't know. everyone wants to change someone, right?) and it's strange to weigh these two because i want to be honest with myself and the world at large. and maybe i can do this thing justice and really and god-honestly be her friend and that's it and believe it. i think i can. i like that idea a lot.

...

but, lightheartedly, you know, rome was wonderful. i know wonderful people. they constantly inspire me and knock me down. example: i just wrote an old friend from high school whom i'd spoken to a lot last semester but haven't in a couple weeks. sharona, you remember her. all i said to her was: "hey kid. i hope you're doing well and are happy and content and all the good things of the world come to you. sorry if that seems strange." now, it will be a little interesting to me to see if she responds and what she says. because i meant what i said. i meant it with all my heart. and i hope to god i didn't say it just to color her opinion of me and that i just want her to be happy. i think for tonight i'll choose to believe it.

the giggling continues as more girls join in and talk. they're still leaving me alone. oh well, i forgive everyone. it's better that way, yeah? if they ask, i'll tell them how much i love them and movies.



gratzi mille.

go deutschland go.

goodnight.