i'm all peaks and valleys. ever since i spoke to her. i was told once not to put anyone on a pedestal but i do it anyway. every move she makes, i'm considering. everyone she talks to. every time she makes a social decision, i'm there. it's not fair to her. not fair at all. only... i'm wondering if it's not fair to me either.
when morgan and i got lost in the wien burbs on monday night, i felt a real connection to her. the two of us were the only ones around and we conversed like we meant it and that led me to believe we might be friends for a really long time. in retrospect, i'm not entirely sure what to believe. she never said in literal language that she didn't feel the same way about me that i did her. always acted complimentary and appreciative. i get the feeling she simply said what she needed to for the situation to work out well. which it did, i mean... i feel like the hug and "i love you to death, all right? you know what i mean" freaked her out some, even though she said it didn't. i don't know.
she's tough to read. the rest of the week we spent exactly like the weeks before. as if we were never close. maybe we weren't. maybe she's reacting the same way i do when i find out someone i am uninterested in has feelings for me. maybe she's just more tactful about it. there was a cloud of sadness, though, hanging over me for much of the week. when she spoke to me, it was jokingly. when she sat in a chair, it was never next to me. we had our moments but they were completely superficial and social. never anything more.
then at the biergarten last night she asked me how my back was feeling. just out of the blue. something she had to think about and start a conversation for. it was thoughtful. i told a friend that what kills me is that i'll take five percent of someone's attention and ninety five percent of their ignorance if i think they're special. that's exactly what happened.
she's sleeping in the next room but leaving early in the morning so we said goodbye tonight. it was almost as impersonal as when we met. a quick hug and a couple words and it was over. i hung around in the hallway for a sec and grabbed her hand when she went into her room but all she said was to enjoy myself at the park. that's it?
as far as i can tell, she doesn't really give a damn. we won't be friends after tomorrow. i would damn well love to, i just can't see it happening. it's a shame, really. i can't figure out if i did anything wrong. maybe she's just reserved. maybe she's aloof. maybe she's just not into me. yeah, maybe.
...
i had beautiful dreams last night. in the midst of some context were morgan and i. she had just started dating someone and i was being sane. she knew how i felt about her. since we were actually spending time together, she became confused and nervous. she proposed that we date while she was with the other guy, not to tell him. i turned her down. she was panicky and asked me just how long i would feel that way about her. i told her that if i believed she was for real, it wouldn't be very short. she seemed to take it to heart. so did i. for the rest of the dream, we both just waited for her to break up with him. it was going to happen. it was always going to happen.
...
"If this was the cold war we could keep each other warm," I said
On the first occasion that I met Marie
We were crawling through the hatch that was
The missle silo door
And I don't think that she really thought that much of me
I never had to learn to love her
Like I learned to love the bomb
She just came along and started to ignore me
But as we waited for the big one
I started singing her my songs
And I think she started feeling something for me
...
we passed on the stairs when i was leaving for the park. she said goodbye and i did too, quietly. somehow i doubt she heard it. maybe that's the last i'll ever see of her. maybe, but i hope not.
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Thursday, July 24, 2008
you can't hold the hand of a rock and roll man
i really thought i would write tonight. i really thought it was a good night. words in vienna. anger maybe. something like what used to be. fuck that. i don't know if i've grown as an author or just changed. maybe for the worse. i was looking back today at some stuff i wrote back in 04 or 05 and it was wonderful. it was full of energy, of ideas. not just talking about whatever shit happened that day. i need to get back to that. i have to get back to that.
whenever i close my eyes, they swell up and rage against the back of my eyelids. pounding. beat of the music. the man in my head is dancing. it's hot, smothering heat. the lights around me are killing me slowly. odd how it hurts more at the top of my eyelids than the bottom. it's probably empathetic suffering for those walking to the club. i can't open my eyes in a club. can't do it.
i'm about to hit you with something obvious. it's strange how people change.
i was feeling pretty good after my long walk with morgan the other night. i thought hey, maybe there's something here. maybe we're special. we're not. i'm not sure she gives a damn about me. see, i do this thing. this thing where i get all paranoid and eager to rollercoaster from one peak to another valley and back again. i get all quiet. moody and suburban.
if i close my eyes, the top of my head moves. i feel sick. i can't focus again.
she's reserved, quiet. if we're the only two people in the room, she still wouldn't talk to me. unless we're alone in some social situation, like our walk. then it's gold. see, the more i spend time with her in a real way, the more i love her. horrible, yeah. i listen to every word she says. i watch every move she makes. i just know it inside. i know she doesn't care. i know she won't carry on this friendship. for all i know, she's hooking up with every guy in the house except me. at least one of them wouldn't surprise me. but what do i know?
i want myself to leave myself alone for a while. i just want to relax and spend time with her. alone. somewhere. i want to believe it's real. there are other girls. one hooks up with all the athletes on campus. the other never leaves the house and has a boyfriend that one of them brought up tonight. i've been sending her music. she's not mentioned him all trip. everyone is in bed. i'm not too far behind.
fuck fuck fuck.
whenever i close my eyes, they swell up and rage against the back of my eyelids. pounding. beat of the music. the man in my head is dancing. it's hot, smothering heat. the lights around me are killing me slowly. odd how it hurts more at the top of my eyelids than the bottom. it's probably empathetic suffering for those walking to the club. i can't open my eyes in a club. can't do it.
i'm about to hit you with something obvious. it's strange how people change.
i was feeling pretty good after my long walk with morgan the other night. i thought hey, maybe there's something here. maybe we're special. we're not. i'm not sure she gives a damn about me. see, i do this thing. this thing where i get all paranoid and eager to rollercoaster from one peak to another valley and back again. i get all quiet. moody and suburban.
if i close my eyes, the top of my head moves. i feel sick. i can't focus again.
she's reserved, quiet. if we're the only two people in the room, she still wouldn't talk to me. unless we're alone in some social situation, like our walk. then it's gold. see, the more i spend time with her in a real way, the more i love her. horrible, yeah. i listen to every word she says. i watch every move she makes. i just know it inside. i know she doesn't care. i know she won't carry on this friendship. for all i know, she's hooking up with every guy in the house except me. at least one of them wouldn't surprise me. but what do i know?
i want myself to leave myself alone for a while. i just want to relax and spend time with her. alone. somewhere. i want to believe it's real. there are other girls. one hooks up with all the athletes on campus. the other never leaves the house and has a boyfriend that one of them brought up tonight. i've been sending her music. she's not mentioned him all trip. everyone is in bed. i'm not too far behind.
fuck fuck fuck.
Monday, July 21, 2008
(i think it's going to be a long, long time)
hitch is only halfway over and i'm up in my room listening to elton john and elliott smith. does that give you an idea of how tonight is? i only drank one third of my bottle of wine because i didn't want to be any kind of intoxicated tonight. this is for real.
today was wonderful. a couple of us went out to some interesting viennese apartments and ate desserts at a cafe there. i played guitar outside. read some. went out to sushi with amazing kids. morgan was there the entire time. but i got quiet... the only way i could think to describe it was maybe... that everything that came out of my mouth must be the wrong thing to say. i walked downstairs because the movie was supposed to start and met her on the way up. gave her a high-five. only now do i realize how much chance must be associated in that. she asked me if i was ok. i got completely nervous and talked my way around things very quietly for a little while. looking off in all directions. she kept at it. very concerned and all, very sweet. wanted to talk to me about things. i decided to go instead of stop. we decided to take a walk and talk.
i took the path less traveled and i mean that literally. we walked down streets we'd never seen before and talked about our lives, our pasts, our ideas of ourselves. she's really wonderful, i wish you knew. it eventually ended up that she wanted to give me advice (we're really so similar) and i anecdoted that i had another friend who gave advice about this very subject. how i should respond. i told her... out loud and in words... that she was my favorite person in that house. she knows that right? she took it as a compliment and we talked on. i don't think she grasped the situation. we went on and arrived at my issue again. i made her guess. she brought up all the thing's we'd spoken of (she listened!) and on again upon my prodding finally stumbled upon whadt i'd said. we were quite lost by now (although i think our landmark was just a little farther ahead...) and so we turned around. i tried to make sure we were on the same page... that she's my favorite etc. she didn't speak as though she was following which lead me to believe that was her answer. that very non-reaction. that very friendly reaction. that's my answer. that's fine, too. i just wanted to know. so i said yeah, we're on the same page. she didn't believe me.
she guessed that i liked her (middle school?). i responded in the affirmative and told her i needed to create a strategic plan right quick. i ever so slowly enumerated to her how i felt, the proper gravity of the situation, and how i'd hoped she would react (without aversion). she seemed to understand completely. and even appreciative. the fact, i think, that i was so honestly and akwardly honest really had an affect. at least i had that. it was ok, though, because i think we were on the same page then. she explained how her life was changing, how she's shifting her entire life now and leaving behind the entire college thing (all those people)...(boyfriends etc.) and on to new things. it made perfect sense. my timing is the god-awful worst. but she appreciates me too, knows the difficulties of being real on this trip. she sees me, i know it, who i am. and i feel like i have a taste of the real morgan as well. it's something.
we almost got even more lost on the way home. she was visibly nervous, always looking over her shoulder and walking fast. it was dark and there were really no other people on the lonely streets we were walking. it was almost cute. i found our way back to the park and to the house without much issue, something of which she was thankful. i swear i would have protected her. i thought about it for a minute and decided to be honest one last time. before the buzzed into the house, i took her aside. i told her that i had one last thing to say, something which i would follow with "you know what i mean." so i told her, "i love you to death, ok?" and i hugged her deep and hard. "you know what i mean."
apparently she didn't quite get it because after i took a quick break from the movie, she pulled me into the kitchen and got curious. i assured her that i meant it, that she's special to me, and that she knows what i mean. that we're ok. that i hope we're ok for a very long time. (not all that was said out loud) i think maybe now we are on the same page. i found her writing about her weekend trip earlier. said she writes a lot. damn...
i mean what can i say? i regret that things didn't work out with someone who fits me like a glove. i'm not looking forward to the immediate future. one of comparing everyone i meet to her standard. i doubt the next girl i summon the courage to be honest to will be quite so refreshing to deal with. i only hope that when it happens, i'll have her to talk to about it. i don't have any right to expect anything more than friendship right now so that's what i'll work on. being a good and sane friend. i can dream, though. believe me, i will.
today was wonderful. a couple of us went out to some interesting viennese apartments and ate desserts at a cafe there. i played guitar outside. read some. went out to sushi with amazing kids. morgan was there the entire time. but i got quiet... the only way i could think to describe it was maybe... that everything that came out of my mouth must be the wrong thing to say. i walked downstairs because the movie was supposed to start and met her on the way up. gave her a high-five. only now do i realize how much chance must be associated in that. she asked me if i was ok. i got completely nervous and talked my way around things very quietly for a little while. looking off in all directions. she kept at it. very concerned and all, very sweet. wanted to talk to me about things. i decided to go instead of stop. we decided to take a walk and talk.
i took the path less traveled and i mean that literally. we walked down streets we'd never seen before and talked about our lives, our pasts, our ideas of ourselves. she's really wonderful, i wish you knew. it eventually ended up that she wanted to give me advice (we're really so similar) and i anecdoted that i had another friend who gave advice about this very subject. how i should respond. i told her... out loud and in words... that she was my favorite person in that house. she knows that right? she took it as a compliment and we talked on. i don't think she grasped the situation. we went on and arrived at my issue again. i made her guess. she brought up all the thing's we'd spoken of (she listened!) and on again upon my prodding finally stumbled upon whadt i'd said. we were quite lost by now (although i think our landmark was just a little farther ahead...) and so we turned around. i tried to make sure we were on the same page... that she's my favorite etc. she didn't speak as though she was following which lead me to believe that was her answer. that very non-reaction. that very friendly reaction. that's my answer. that's fine, too. i just wanted to know. so i said yeah, we're on the same page. she didn't believe me.
she guessed that i liked her (middle school?). i responded in the affirmative and told her i needed to create a strategic plan right quick. i ever so slowly enumerated to her how i felt, the proper gravity of the situation, and how i'd hoped she would react (without aversion). she seemed to understand completely. and even appreciative. the fact, i think, that i was so honestly and akwardly honest really had an affect. at least i had that. it was ok, though, because i think we were on the same page then. she explained how her life was changing, how she's shifting her entire life now and leaving behind the entire college thing (all those people)...(boyfriends etc.) and on to new things. it made perfect sense. my timing is the god-awful worst. but she appreciates me too, knows the difficulties of being real on this trip. she sees me, i know it, who i am. and i feel like i have a taste of the real morgan as well. it's something.
we almost got even more lost on the way home. she was visibly nervous, always looking over her shoulder and walking fast. it was dark and there were really no other people on the lonely streets we were walking. it was almost cute. i found our way back to the park and to the house without much issue, something of which she was thankful. i swear i would have protected her. i thought about it for a minute and decided to be honest one last time. before the buzzed into the house, i took her aside. i told her that i had one last thing to say, something which i would follow with "you know what i mean." so i told her, "i love you to death, ok?" and i hugged her deep and hard. "you know what i mean."
apparently she didn't quite get it because after i took a quick break from the movie, she pulled me into the kitchen and got curious. i assured her that i meant it, that she's special to me, and that she knows what i mean. that we're ok. that i hope we're ok for a very long time. (not all that was said out loud) i think maybe now we are on the same page. i found her writing about her weekend trip earlier. said she writes a lot. damn...
i mean what can i say? i regret that things didn't work out with someone who fits me like a glove. i'm not looking forward to the immediate future. one of comparing everyone i meet to her standard. i doubt the next girl i summon the courage to be honest to will be quite so refreshing to deal with. i only hope that when it happens, i'll have her to talk to about it. i don't have any right to expect anything more than friendship right now so that's what i'll work on. being a good and sane friend. i can dream, though. believe me, i will.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
for all you goddamn people
drunk in the daytime. that's a new one for me. i'm fairly sure anyway... I started a bottle of 25 proof wine about an hour and a half ago and quickly finished it. the last half hour i've spent watching the beginning of batman begins. i'm sitting here now listening to "let's not shit ourselves (to love and be loved)" by the lovely Bright Eyes. i can hardly type. this is a good day for writing.
i feel like this is probably the low point of the day for me. i mean that figuratively, as this is probably the high point of drunkeness for me. i thought i'd drop by here and listen to good music and write about nothing for a while, seeing as my mind seemed to be in the mood for wandering and i'm curious as to what it would come up with. my volume's on 6 and that's only where i can hear it. i need to learn how to not censor myself. brittany, wally, jerad, holly, and sarah are in the other room watching the movie and i'm alone in this here dining room nobody uses but for writing papers listening to angry music and trying to think. somehow, 4:44 have already passed in the song. i'm not sure how. my favorite verse is just starting. sometime in the next couple hours the slovenia groups will return. i have no idea how i will act, especially when morgan gets back. i can't focus on anything more than 10 feet from my face. i'll probably regret this post in the morning. in fact, when i read it again, i'll probably think to myself, "fuck yeah, right about that" but i don't really give a shit.
what i know is that i've been thinking of morgan since i left this past thursday. i thought of her the entire budapest trip. i may be embarrassed of this later on, as i were after the whitney posts were written but right now, it doesn't matter. it's just what is. she's a pretty girl who is interesting and who hangs out with guys who don't buy into bullshit. or so it seems. as far as i can tell, that's me. i'll tell her how i feel. if she doesn't feel the same way, i'll let it go. i want to be her friend. it's as simple as that. to love and be loved. i just hope that is enough. if only i had a band to back me up on this. it would be beautiful. i might just go out on the porch and play it to myself just because i believe in it. wouldn't that be beautiful?
i might go back in soon to enjoy the movie. it's been almost ten minutes, you know. i don't know what else to do with myself. the most perfect situation i can imagine is love with morgan and a long distance relationship punctuated by periods of visitation, either in memphis or at wake. we'll see how that goes. i still have my paranoid visions of, "why would she ever think of being attracted to me" but that's how it goes. i'll survive.
i'll survive i'll survive i'll survive
hopefully i'll tell her how i feel. hopefully she won't be as creeped out as i can imagine. hopefully blossoming will occur. hopefully true happiness is on the horizon. hopefully. hopefully. hopefully. hopefully. hopefully. hopefully. hopefully. fopefully. hopefully. hopefully. fopefully. ho[pefully. hopefully.
i feel like this is probably the low point of the day for me. i mean that figuratively, as this is probably the high point of drunkeness for me. i thought i'd drop by here and listen to good music and write about nothing for a while, seeing as my mind seemed to be in the mood for wandering and i'm curious as to what it would come up with. my volume's on 6 and that's only where i can hear it. i need to learn how to not censor myself. brittany, wally, jerad, holly, and sarah are in the other room watching the movie and i'm alone in this here dining room nobody uses but for writing papers listening to angry music and trying to think. somehow, 4:44 have already passed in the song. i'm not sure how. my favorite verse is just starting. sometime in the next couple hours the slovenia groups will return. i have no idea how i will act, especially when morgan gets back. i can't focus on anything more than 10 feet from my face. i'll probably regret this post in the morning. in fact, when i read it again, i'll probably think to myself, "fuck yeah, right about that" but i don't really give a shit.
what i know is that i've been thinking of morgan since i left this past thursday. i thought of her the entire budapest trip. i may be embarrassed of this later on, as i were after the whitney posts were written but right now, it doesn't matter. it's just what is. she's a pretty girl who is interesting and who hangs out with guys who don't buy into bullshit. or so it seems. as far as i can tell, that's me. i'll tell her how i feel. if she doesn't feel the same way, i'll let it go. i want to be her friend. it's as simple as that. to love and be loved. i just hope that is enough. if only i had a band to back me up on this. it would be beautiful. i might just go out on the porch and play it to myself just because i believe in it. wouldn't that be beautiful?
i might go back in soon to enjoy the movie. it's been almost ten minutes, you know. i don't know what else to do with myself. the most perfect situation i can imagine is love with morgan and a long distance relationship punctuated by periods of visitation, either in memphis or at wake. we'll see how that goes. i still have my paranoid visions of, "why would she ever think of being attracted to me" but that's how it goes. i'll survive.
i'll survive i'll survive i'll survive
hopefully i'll tell her how i feel. hopefully she won't be as creeped out as i can imagine. hopefully blossoming will occur. hopefully true happiness is on the horizon. hopefully. hopefully. hopefully. hopefully. hopefully. hopefully. hopefully. fopefully. hopefully. hopefully. fopefully. ho[pefully. hopefully.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
the devil never sleeps
i know what time it is. i know i'm waking up in two point five hours. i know.
i'm drawn to write, though, because i'm in a bind. budapest can fucking wait. i can sleep on the train. i don't know.
problem: there's this girl. when is that not a problem of mine? a moment for a candid and hopefully honest description... her name is one of mine. she has long brown hair that curls a little. she's a bit tall for a girl but not nearly taller than me. she's intelligent and a year older, having graduated in the spring. she's been traveling europe for a couple months now. she's going to med school next year. her feet are really dry. she doesn't really have a prominent chin. her veins are quite close to the surface and readily visible. she's very mellow and doesn't buy into college girl squabble shit. her eyes are spectacularly big and brown.
usually the last line would be something like... "she's beautiful", but that would be a judgment, not an objective description. even more, it would be something i'd say just because she pays the slightest bit of attention to me. the worst part about being me is not only feeling inappropriately about people all the time but never really trusting your feelings to be true anyway. i find a little solice in that i don't feel nearly the same way about holly, even though she's the one i wrote about dating in the last entry. this kid, she's a dark horse. she's new. other girls would have a part of me, i know it. the thing is, i'm not attracted to them in the least. it doesn't bother me. no second thoughts. this one, though, i guess i care about. she's better than the rest. she's above them. now, there are other people who pay me attention that i know i get worked up over as well. i'm not sure it's entirely justified. lets look at the empirical evidence. i guess it's better to tear down and build up than blindly forge ahead (aha), no?
the veins thing is odd. it's all arms and legs though. her boobs aren't huge. not a big deal. the chin thing isn't really an issue either. it's just that when i look into her eyes... it draws me in, you know? it's something i can't get around. she's not the most outgoing girl, but will go out on occasion. that's cool too, i'm the same way. i love that she doesn't buy into the fighting and dumbshit that characterizes most all the girls i know. i love that she's above all that. i also love that when she talks to me for real, when we're sitting alone or when i'm telling her i hope she enjoys her weekend, i feel like she's paying attention. is it so sad that i'm enthralled by that? but she very slyly waits up when i'm walking behind the others in a group. but she does that...
my point is, this has only been on the table for a couple days. maybe three... at the most. i remember her on the train ride home from prague. we sat next to each other. i kept my water bottle in her bag. i'm trying to be myself. i believe in myself to some social extent. i believe there's no reason people shouldn't want to be closer to me. i believe that if they ignore that, they aren't someone i need anyway. there's a girl in our program who's been really sick the last day or so. earlier in the trip we'd talked about music and so today, before a couple of us left for belvedere, i emailed her the prettiest iron & wine song i've ever heard, resurrection fern. to make her feel better. that's me. she loved it. this girl, the one we've been talking about until the tangent, she loves mountain men. she brings up her ex boyfriend every now and then. i can't decide whether this is to bring up a boyfriend or to emphasize the ex-ness of the situation. it's no surprise that i have no idea. i walked in her room tonight to talk about the fact that she went out with two of the older guys (who got shitfaced) and didn't come back to the house and meet the rest of the group so we could all go out. she seemed sincerely sorry. it wasn't a big deal. we wished each other well for the weekends traveling and she looked me right in the eye. i felt like the center of the world.
i want to sulk. i want to be mad. i decided not to be mad anymore about a week and a half ago. can't start now. she seemed honest. now i can't believe i won't see her again till sunday. i think a part of me wants a long-distance relationship because that feels like something i can do. that lets me be myself without dealing with the inevitable awkwardness of presence. as if there's a chance in hell. as if i'll ever know.
her name's morgan. la la la lovely.
i'm drawn to write, though, because i'm in a bind. budapest can fucking wait. i can sleep on the train. i don't know.
problem: there's this girl. when is that not a problem of mine? a moment for a candid and hopefully honest description... her name is one of mine. she has long brown hair that curls a little. she's a bit tall for a girl but not nearly taller than me. she's intelligent and a year older, having graduated in the spring. she's been traveling europe for a couple months now. she's going to med school next year. her feet are really dry. she doesn't really have a prominent chin. her veins are quite close to the surface and readily visible. she's very mellow and doesn't buy into college girl squabble shit. her eyes are spectacularly big and brown.
usually the last line would be something like... "she's beautiful", but that would be a judgment, not an objective description. even more, it would be something i'd say just because she pays the slightest bit of attention to me. the worst part about being me is not only feeling inappropriately about people all the time but never really trusting your feelings to be true anyway. i find a little solice in that i don't feel nearly the same way about holly, even though she's the one i wrote about dating in the last entry. this kid, she's a dark horse. she's new. other girls would have a part of me, i know it. the thing is, i'm not attracted to them in the least. it doesn't bother me. no second thoughts. this one, though, i guess i care about. she's better than the rest. she's above them. now, there are other people who pay me attention that i know i get worked up over as well. i'm not sure it's entirely justified. lets look at the empirical evidence. i guess it's better to tear down and build up than blindly forge ahead (aha), no?
the veins thing is odd. it's all arms and legs though. her boobs aren't huge. not a big deal. the chin thing isn't really an issue either. it's just that when i look into her eyes... it draws me in, you know? it's something i can't get around. she's not the most outgoing girl, but will go out on occasion. that's cool too, i'm the same way. i love that she doesn't buy into the fighting and dumbshit that characterizes most all the girls i know. i love that she's above all that. i also love that when she talks to me for real, when we're sitting alone or when i'm telling her i hope she enjoys her weekend, i feel like she's paying attention. is it so sad that i'm enthralled by that? but she very slyly waits up when i'm walking behind the others in a group. but she does that...
my point is, this has only been on the table for a couple days. maybe three... at the most. i remember her on the train ride home from prague. we sat next to each other. i kept my water bottle in her bag. i'm trying to be myself. i believe in myself to some social extent. i believe there's no reason people shouldn't want to be closer to me. i believe that if they ignore that, they aren't someone i need anyway. there's a girl in our program who's been really sick the last day or so. earlier in the trip we'd talked about music and so today, before a couple of us left for belvedere, i emailed her the prettiest iron & wine song i've ever heard, resurrection fern. to make her feel better. that's me. she loved it. this girl, the one we've been talking about until the tangent, she loves mountain men. she brings up her ex boyfriend every now and then. i can't decide whether this is to bring up a boyfriend or to emphasize the ex-ness of the situation. it's no surprise that i have no idea. i walked in her room tonight to talk about the fact that she went out with two of the older guys (who got shitfaced) and didn't come back to the house and meet the rest of the group so we could all go out. she seemed sincerely sorry. it wasn't a big deal. we wished each other well for the weekends traveling and she looked me right in the eye. i felt like the center of the world.
i want to sulk. i want to be mad. i decided not to be mad anymore about a week and a half ago. can't start now. she seemed honest. now i can't believe i won't see her again till sunday. i think a part of me wants a long-distance relationship because that feels like something i can do. that lets me be myself without dealing with the inevitable awkwardness of presence. as if there's a chance in hell. as if i'll ever know.
her name's morgan. la la la lovely.
Friday, July 11, 2008
a modern rock song
it's sometime early in the morning and i'm on a train somewhere outside Vienna, Austria. the sun looks to be about six inches high in the sky, but then again i'm very small. we just rolled through the Hohenau station and are running through backyards with pools and cemetaries. i'm sure we'll be in the midst of farm country again soon. a couple minutes ago, outside the opposite window, passed by a dozen fields of sunflowers. they were brighter than morning. i longed to see some out my own but when we passed a few acres of them, all i could see was brown. they all had their little necks craned towards the sun. it was the prettiest thing i've seen in a long time. this song was written for trains, though, so it helps.
i can look at my leg in the reflection and it looks like patrick bryant.
i'm surprised there are so many deer stands out here.
my compartment is filled with relatively recent and relatively brand new firends. they've all got their faults, according to me, but i know i do too. the track opposite us is getting so unbearably close. i can't imagine another train could make it past. i thought a while back about the group of kids i'm with over here so far away. 10 girls, the jew and myself. who would i fuck? who would i date? i came up with three for the first one. the only other such girl is asleep across from me. the one we make fun of because she's so resiliant. her fault is that she isn't receptive enough to me. i would say that, wouldn't i? i wish i knew her better, though. wish i felt that comfortable bond that means you're real firends, not just extended social accomplices.
i can watch people pass by in the hallway as the old train next to us takes off, heading in the same direction. only a few people inside. they looked quiet. i think i've spent half my trip people-watching. a man on the platform waved to his daughter in the next car as we departed. i waved back . he didn't see me. the tracks look as if they're made from ivory and rust. steel and dirty bone. the people over here are more interesting than those back home. pretty girls of all kinds. i want to meet them but i don't know how. if i spoke to them in german, i'd just order a sausage. i don't think that would accomplish much. my greatest regret lies with the german girl at the fan zone. she was perfect. her broken english was one of the prettiest things i've ever heard. i fall in love so easily these days. i never even knew her name.
a girl i will always love told me recently that i'm the kind of guy who will probably marry the first girl he meets and stay with her forever. i don't know if i like that idea or not. go watch trainspotting. diane was spot on. i don't feel like anyone gets a chance with the real me. i feel like if they did, i'd be better off. it's good to feel that way i guess.
she's the only one on the train without headphones on. the kid i told the other night that i hoped all the good in the world came to her. she responded with " ' ". i'll let you draw your own conclusions from that.
i just took sleeping pictures of all the kids in my compartment. some are cute, some aren't. they should never know. prague is on a horizon. i'll be there soon.
i can look at my leg in the reflection and it looks like patrick bryant.
i'm surprised there are so many deer stands out here.
my compartment is filled with relatively recent and relatively brand new firends. they've all got their faults, according to me, but i know i do too. the track opposite us is getting so unbearably close. i can't imagine another train could make it past. i thought a while back about the group of kids i'm with over here so far away. 10 girls, the jew and myself. who would i fuck? who would i date? i came up with three for the first one. the only other such girl is asleep across from me. the one we make fun of because she's so resiliant. her fault is that she isn't receptive enough to me. i would say that, wouldn't i? i wish i knew her better, though. wish i felt that comfortable bond that means you're real firends, not just extended social accomplices.
i can watch people pass by in the hallway as the old train next to us takes off, heading in the same direction. only a few people inside. they looked quiet. i think i've spent half my trip people-watching. a man on the platform waved to his daughter in the next car as we departed. i waved back . he didn't see me. the tracks look as if they're made from ivory and rust. steel and dirty bone. the people over here are more interesting than those back home. pretty girls of all kinds. i want to meet them but i don't know how. if i spoke to them in german, i'd just order a sausage. i don't think that would accomplish much. my greatest regret lies with the german girl at the fan zone. she was perfect. her broken english was one of the prettiest things i've ever heard. i fall in love so easily these days. i never even knew her name.
a girl i will always love told me recently that i'm the kind of guy who will probably marry the first girl he meets and stay with her forever. i don't know if i like that idea or not. go watch trainspotting. diane was spot on. i don't feel like anyone gets a chance with the real me. i feel like if they did, i'd be better off. it's good to feel that way i guess.
she's the only one on the train without headphones on. the kid i told the other night that i hoped all the good in the world came to her. she responded with " ' ". i'll let you draw your own conclusions from that.
i just took sleeping pictures of all the kids in my compartment. some are cute, some aren't. they should never know. prague is on a horizon. i'll be there soon.
Monday, July 7, 2008
because
i would usually begin a post after a two month absence with an apology for not writing but this time i won't. it really should be something i do because i want to, not because i have to. i'm situated in a dark room in the first floor of a house in the 19th district of vienna, austria. strange, no? i can see the dying projector in the room to the right and the streetlit street outside a few windows to the left. all glistening with rain. all thunders following lightnings. i wanted to be alone but there are a couple girls in a room across the foyer... they're giggling. there's not much i can do about that.
see, a couple seconds ago i poked my head in the door to see if anyone was there, before turning and walking away. they called me back in to say hi and see if i was fine. you know, because i'm so obvious when i get in these moods. so quiet. i told them i was and that i was just going to write some. they assumed it was for a paper we should all be working on but i told them no, writing just because. i think they thought it was a little strange. maybe i'm a little strange. i don't really care. if they cared as much as i did about anything, they would come in here and talk to me. maybe they will. i really don't know these things.
we all just watched a movie. american beauty. 1999. i only mention the year because the last song, the one playing over the credits, is stuck in my head. it's an elliott smith cover of the beatles' "because". this is strange, i think, because the rest of the classic songs in the movie, as far as i can tell, aren't covers. also because elliott committed suicide four years later. i thought that was interesting, considering the film.
i might have been quiet anyway, but i feel like i am because most of these girls started talking. they'd comment on the movie, make snap judgments, call it 'fucked up'. i could say that because i'm a film minor, because movies mean a ton to me, because i'd never seen it before and i was really enjoying it, that one might understand my frustration in these interruptions. but really, i think, it's because i'm a little disappointed. there's a level of ignorance on display. films, good ones anyway, are art. i like art a lot. i don't really feel like anyone can judge art solely on their first impressions. i tend to feel like you have to try to first, pay attention, and second, let yourself believe everything you're being told. you have to understand what the filmmaker is trying to say (and even how he's doing it). when you understand what you're meant to, then maybe you're qualified to agree or disagree or simply label. that's fair. calling any movie 'fucked up', you know, just for example, without paying attention or understanding it at all, is just ignorant. i think that's what really got me down. i'm living with these kids for three more weeks. i want to make friends with them badly. i want to earn their respect but i also want to respect them for real reasons, ones they deserve. whatever happened was a blow to that.
i really should reserve judgment. they probably don't understand. they probably didn't realize that i was serious when i motioned for them to quiet down because there's a movie on. probably thought i was mocking the situation because i joke a lot. i should learn to cut slack. i have learned a bit, though. i buy into the meditation we do. i believe that i can choose whether to be angry or not. i tried to focus myself and pay attention myself and hope that maybe i understood so that i could make that judgment that the movie deserved. and i'm not being angry here, either, just writing what i believe. and i'm proud of that, you know.
i get the notion sometimes that i'm more receptive to people, especially girls, who are receptive to me... or at least who act like it. that's probably why i want to like or love or respect this one girl here. she's of syrian background, pretty beautiful, and is dating a guy i don't respect at all. the more she talks to me and pays attention to me and calls me by my nickname of the trip (deutschland... yep), the more i want to feel better about her. but at the same time, i realize that she acts like a whore most of the time. and i realize that she's pretty ignorant about stuff like good movies. and i realize that maybe she's not as receptive to everything in the world... like i try to be. (and yet i believe, maybe she just doesn't know. everyone wants to change someone, right?) and it's strange to weigh these two because i want to be honest with myself and the world at large. and maybe i can do this thing justice and really and god-honestly be her friend and that's it and believe it. i think i can. i like that idea a lot.
...
but, lightheartedly, you know, rome was wonderful. i know wonderful people. they constantly inspire me and knock me down. example: i just wrote an old friend from high school whom i'd spoken to a lot last semester but haven't in a couple weeks. sharona, you remember her. all i said to her was: "hey kid. i hope you're doing well and are happy and content and all the good things of the world come to you. sorry if that seems strange." now, it will be a little interesting to me to see if she responds and what she says. because i meant what i said. i meant it with all my heart. and i hope to god i didn't say it just to color her opinion of me and that i just want her to be happy. i think for tonight i'll choose to believe it.
the giggling continues as more girls join in and talk. they're still leaving me alone. oh well, i forgive everyone. it's better that way, yeah? if they ask, i'll tell them how much i love them and movies.
gratzi mille.
go deutschland go.
goodnight.
see, a couple seconds ago i poked my head in the door to see if anyone was there, before turning and walking away. they called me back in to say hi and see if i was fine. you know, because i'm so obvious when i get in these moods. so quiet. i told them i was and that i was just going to write some. they assumed it was for a paper we should all be working on but i told them no, writing just because. i think they thought it was a little strange. maybe i'm a little strange. i don't really care. if they cared as much as i did about anything, they would come in here and talk to me. maybe they will. i really don't know these things.
we all just watched a movie. american beauty. 1999. i only mention the year because the last song, the one playing over the credits, is stuck in my head. it's an elliott smith cover of the beatles' "because". this is strange, i think, because the rest of the classic songs in the movie, as far as i can tell, aren't covers. also because elliott committed suicide four years later. i thought that was interesting, considering the film.
i might have been quiet anyway, but i feel like i am because most of these girls started talking. they'd comment on the movie, make snap judgments, call it 'fucked up'. i could say that because i'm a film minor, because movies mean a ton to me, because i'd never seen it before and i was really enjoying it, that one might understand my frustration in these interruptions. but really, i think, it's because i'm a little disappointed. there's a level of ignorance on display. films, good ones anyway, are art. i like art a lot. i don't really feel like anyone can judge art solely on their first impressions. i tend to feel like you have to try to first, pay attention, and second, let yourself believe everything you're being told. you have to understand what the filmmaker is trying to say (and even how he's doing it). when you understand what you're meant to, then maybe you're qualified to agree or disagree or simply label. that's fair. calling any movie 'fucked up', you know, just for example, without paying attention or understanding it at all, is just ignorant. i think that's what really got me down. i'm living with these kids for three more weeks. i want to make friends with them badly. i want to earn their respect but i also want to respect them for real reasons, ones they deserve. whatever happened was a blow to that.
i really should reserve judgment. they probably don't understand. they probably didn't realize that i was serious when i motioned for them to quiet down because there's a movie on. probably thought i was mocking the situation because i joke a lot. i should learn to cut slack. i have learned a bit, though. i buy into the meditation we do. i believe that i can choose whether to be angry or not. i tried to focus myself and pay attention myself and hope that maybe i understood so that i could make that judgment that the movie deserved. and i'm not being angry here, either, just writing what i believe. and i'm proud of that, you know.
i get the notion sometimes that i'm more receptive to people, especially girls, who are receptive to me... or at least who act like it. that's probably why i want to like or love or respect this one girl here. she's of syrian background, pretty beautiful, and is dating a guy i don't respect at all. the more she talks to me and pays attention to me and calls me by my nickname of the trip (deutschland... yep), the more i want to feel better about her. but at the same time, i realize that she acts like a whore most of the time. and i realize that she's pretty ignorant about stuff like good movies. and i realize that maybe she's not as receptive to everything in the world... like i try to be. (and yet i believe, maybe she just doesn't know. everyone wants to change someone, right?) and it's strange to weigh these two because i want to be honest with myself and the world at large. and maybe i can do this thing justice and really and god-honestly be her friend and that's it and believe it. i think i can. i like that idea a lot.
...
but, lightheartedly, you know, rome was wonderful. i know wonderful people. they constantly inspire me and knock me down. example: i just wrote an old friend from high school whom i'd spoken to a lot last semester but haven't in a couple weeks. sharona, you remember her. all i said to her was: "hey kid. i hope you're doing well and are happy and content and all the good things of the world come to you. sorry if that seems strange." now, it will be a little interesting to me to see if she responds and what she says. because i meant what i said. i meant it with all my heart. and i hope to god i didn't say it just to color her opinion of me and that i just want her to be happy. i think for tonight i'll choose to believe it.
the giggling continues as more girls join in and talk. they're still leaving me alone. oh well, i forgive everyone. it's better that way, yeah? if they ask, i'll tell them how much i love them and movies.
gratzi mille.
go deutschland go.
goodnight.
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