the toreador

everybody wants body counts and i just want to cry.

i thought i'd sit in here and write about girls like i sometimes do but something more important has gotten in the way. sometimes i happen upon a random song from an album i've heard many times before. a song i'd never really thought of before. i hear it for the first time again and i realize that it's possibly the most beautiful thing ever written. when i sat down, ted leo's "the toro and the toreador" was the first thing on. filtered through these spectacular earphones you can hear the reverberation, the tiny echoes of his voice in the studio. every tremolo wobble on the guitar. every slide of the bass. i was in shock for a minute or two. staring out the window, unfocused, while people passed by, seeing only through my periphery. wondering with who and how i could share this to make some kind of impact. it's the kind of song that i want to listen to loud with my head in my hands, in complete solitude. to see every single word and note in space. i don't know how i wouldn't cry.

oh god, damien rice's "cold water." go try that. when you do, try and find every little accessory hammer-on and pull-off in the middle of the chords, right behind his voice. all the little ghost notes on top of the pillow-soft snare drum. you'll weep. lord, can you hear me now?

(or am i lost?)

...

one more for old time's sake. radiohead's "let down." i'd stop writing about these if they'd quite assaulting me. this song has incredible momentum. i once explained it to my mother, while we listened to it in the car. i don't know if she got it but i felt like i understood it for the first time. it gets up and moves and becomes impossible to stop. this comes mainly at the end but you get a sense of it all the way through. the way thom sings the same verse structures differently is magical. then they tear it down and rebuilt the entire song. then... oh god. then it leaves earth entirely. all it takes is a bass guitar and thom beginning to wail. it's a spaceship to heaven. that's all there is to it. when you hear the acoustic guitar at the end, you'll know you've arrived.

...

i had to listen to it again, eyes closed. staring at a window where all the bulbous shadows move indeterminably. i almost cried again. it's hard not to. this is what the core of life is made of. i saw myself on a stage for a crowd. it was a moment when people hadn't really been listening because they didn't know me. in my dream, though, i go out and unleash exactly what i feel about the song. i'm in front breaking a perfectly good acoustic guitar and not even noticing. it's near the end, when the momentum explodes. as it does, i'm wailing into the mic with everything i know, tears rolling down my cheeks. everyone's shocked, mesmerized. it is one of the moments like TVOTR doing "wolf like me" on letterman when i band decides they're going to surprise people. nobody is expecting much and everyone leaves with their mind blown. some probably wet their pants. that's the passion i'm dreaming of. at the end, i'd tenderly and dazedly pick out the little guitar lick and walk off stage, tired and completely empty and apathetic about the rest of life. that's what that song is to me.

i had a moment a while ago. i was in english class, saying little comments when a girl in the back spoke up. she said she agreed with what i said. called me by name. i turned to look and it was chai. her hair's a little reddish again. it was one of those tiny self-serving moments that make you turn back around and sit smugly for a second thinking... "she knows my name!" doesn't matter that she's younger than me. she's prettier and gives off a vibe like she's smarter and to be honest, to have anyone that i'm attracted to display any sort of awareness of my person does the spirit good. it's a start, anyway.

in other news, i'm all of a sudden closer to another girl i became attracted to last semester, yet another horsey girl. i've probably mentioned her before but i've never given her a name. let's go with chibear. she's a cubs fan and i taunt her mercilessly for it. we were talking the other night and it got past the joking phase so that it felt like we were actually conversing for once. she even guessed (cheated) correctly that t.o.l.b.i.n.y. stood for "the only living boy in new york." i promised her i'd propose if she got it right. she mistyped it first so i didn't have to. she'd never heard the song so i sent it to her. told her not to share it with anyone, that it was close to my heart. all she could say was "wow." she wanted to listen to it again so i played this game i used to play i with special people in high school where we both start the song at the same time. there's a bit of spiritual connection with that, i feel.

anyway, i feel like i'm getting along with nearly everyone for once and it's wonderful. we'll see where these girls lead. i'd bet on nowhere but it's fun anyway. and hey, i hit a beautiful 290 yard drive in golf the other day.

some days are rough, some are just beautiful.

one. two. three. four. goodbye!