these fucking mountains

that are my life...


times are rough. at least i have music. not sure what i'd do without it. the waves are becoming stronger. less frequent but more violent. overall, i've become numb to the idea that my roommate is dating the girl i have feelings for but there are moments when it just kills me. most of the time, though, it's actually ok. if they aren't acting like a couple, i can sort of handle it. we all lay out on the beach today for a good long time. tossed around a volleyball - the four of us once got 47 straight touches in the air - and laid on the beach. i read. they didn't. as we played volleyball, i sort of observed the girl. since it was a group activity, her and my roommate didn't pair up as much, which made it easier to deal with. when we lay back down, though, i tried to rationalize a bit. i found it funny that one person, unchanging, can mean something so different depending on your position. if i were the one dating her, i'd write for pages and pages on her girlish squeal, her smile, the physical contact she loves to give, her honorable person... but, since i am the spurned roommate, i lay on my towel in the sand thinking of the reasons she should be so unattractive to me. i felt guilty thinking of her in such a light since she'd been such a close friend (until recently) but i thought them through anyway.

there's a bit more pudge around her stomach than i'd like. her mouth is too small. her hair is too thin. she bruises too easily. her breasts are too fucking small. she's too tall. she lives too far away and is going to be abroad for the coming semester. she clearly has her priorities out of order.

i figure upon considering only these aspects of her person when i see her and therefore eventually convincing myself that she was never worth the effort. still, there's a certain guilt associated with viewing a person in such an unfair light, even if they deserve it.

when i awoke this past morning and was climbing out of bed, i noticed something strange and infuriating. there were three coat hangers swinging still from the two closely adjacent door knobs of the room closet. one black and one white on the left, one black on the right. they were so close that the right black hanger overlapped the white and black on the left. if you can't find the symbolism in that, you should just stop reading right now. i immediately threw the left black and white ones to the floor.

i finished tuesdays with morrie today. i feel like if i would pay attention to what it's trying to tell me, i could be helped. i just don't want to.

something i forgot to mention about yesterday. blue as i was returning with an injured knee from my run yesterday morning, i walked upon a flock of seagulls standing on the beach. i felt so bad about myself that i would have felt bad about disturbing them - why should they suffer because of this? i stepped slowly down closer to the water and walked calmly just watching them. i passed the whole flock of 13 birds without a single one flying away. i hope they appreciated my kindness. being to being. little victories make it more bearable.

i practiced my ignorance of the people and the situation throughout the day, even sitting outside to finish the book even though it was rapidly growing dark . we left after dinner, though, to try and find a miniature golf course on the island. my roommate didn't call shotgun in my car even though he really should have. i chalked this up to him wanting to have the backseat for him and the girl. i was right. she felt sick all of a sudden and when i couldn't see her in my rear-view, i had an idea of where she was. laying down in his lap. we drove from the middle of the island to one end, back to the other end, and back to the middle with her in his lap. i nearly died the entire time. since there were no golf places nor movie theaters open, we decided to head home and do something else. catchphrase was suggested but i wasn't particularly fond of the idea, seeing as how much i'd have to interact with people to make it work. we did anyway. and you know, with five or so drinks in me, it was kind of fun.

that is... until they started holding hands. semi-cuddling on the couch. she got phone calls and came back to talk about "the conversation" she'd just had with a girlfriend or such. i couldn't handle that shit and left the room. i wander around my bedroom looking at my phone - as if i'd received a text message in the past fifteen seconds - and my email and my buddy list... just anyone who would accidentally and innocently choose me over them. nobody really did. an old friend responded to a pertinent question but that was about it. also, her message hit home with me. she preached a kind of sermon of self-preservation. i can buy into it. maybe i should be mean. after all, i was basically lied to. the girl doesn't even have the courage to come talk to me myself about this business. after we'd stayed up till 7:15am chatting about the two of us. she can't come to me because she knows she fucked me over. doesn't have the decency. i can be mean. even though i'd thought at one point that this girl, even if i couldn't date her (back when she wasn't dating anybody) that she could be the closest friend i've had since the one giving me advice. maybe i should be mean. protect myself and my own well-being above all others. just make sure i'm ok with myself and my life. fuck the rest.

on a positive note, another friend of mine drunkenly put on my hoodie jacket and aviators and commenced to perform "ice ice baby" in its entirety while dancing. i have pictures and video. this should make for a fun morning.

the sad part is that i can trace our entire relationship and watch the peaks and valleys form, one by one. i can see where we met and where we joked. where we talked until the morning came. when i'd get jealous of other guys. when i decided to be the best goddamn friend she could have. when i was paranoid. when the paranoia became true. the sad part is that i can see now that there's no much i'll miss. if i can't trust her or what she says, if i can't stand to spend time with her alone, if i can't stand to see her with him at all... it used to be her and me, to some extent. now it's just me. devolved to a relationship of cordial hellos and small talk. maybe it isn't such a great loss if she's just not there anymore. maybe she's gone.






you know what? i think i'd take a shallow relationship with the swede over a deep one with this girl right now anyway. she's so much prettier.