these days, these days

it's hard for me but i'm trying


time passes, as it tends to do. i've traversed hundreds of miles, incurred hundreds of dollars in debts, and drank more than usual. there is no survival without good friends. nothing much has changed.

saturday is mostly a blur. packing up to leave, based on an ill-received but accepted lie that someone was going to spray for insects on sunday. i suppose the two of them weren't keen on leaving their dream vacation early. i couldn't handle being left there alone with them when the other girl left. in fact, i invited her to dinner with us and she accepted. they didn't even accost me in the car. no, it was worse.

i can't remember specifics but a few things stick out in my mind. passing by in the hallway like we didn't know each other. i can't decide whether or not i should be mean to this girl. i can't decide whether i have the right to be mean. i think it would be easier to just assume i do. a week ago, i might have smiled or punched her in the shoulder when we'd pass close but now i look down at the floor. i cannot imagine she doesn't notice. still, she refuses to call me out on it. scared, i suppose. i guess ignorance is bliss for her too. bliss for me is not acting like her friend anymore, cruel as that may be. there's no lack of cruelty from either of us, though.

she rode halfway home with the other girl, which was pleasant. we stopped at the end of the island to walk through a saint patty's day festival that was being held. middle age drunk couples wandered past us on the road. we walked in a large white tent with a band and were informed over loudspeaker that beers would cease in fifteen minutes. i walked over to the beer table by the beer truck and asked for a bud - the other option being bud light... the worn girl brought me back a bud light and asked for a ticket. "get a ticket, get a beer?" i shouted over the music. she stared at me and pointed to a table next to us. i stood in line and paid four dollars for one beer ticket. the guy that checked my id told me happy birthday, it being about a month since i'd turned 21. i can't decide whether it was pleasant or annoying. i went back, spoke with someone else, and traded my fresh ticket for a beer. it was mostly cold. behind the table stood the beer truck, 15 taps lining it's side. we tried to walk around some but a man told me we couldn't leave the tent with beer. we stood inside talking until a cop asked me where my wristband was. i showed him my ID and ran over to get a wristband so i could finish my beer and we could leave. i kept the wristband on because it said "bud light" and i felt like a badass.

in the woods after leaving the island, we flew along. i was doing somewhere between 62 and 65 (if i had to guess, and i have), speaking on my cell with a kid in kansas about the acc semifinal which was ending. a cop a half mile up ahead slowed and pulled off on the shoulder. we knew we were fucked and slowed down but as soon as we passed, he turned his lights on and followed us. we pulled off when we could. first time i'd ever gotten pulled or gotten a speeding ticket. said he clocked us at 70 in a 55 (bullshit) - and even gave a ticket to the car behind me even though he didn't clock them. in fact, in following me she'd set her cruise control at 62. not sure how we hit 70. he was a nice fellow, though, and i was strangely at calm through the entire process. paranoid out of my mind, though. court date is six hours away, at 9am on a school day. not sure how i'm going to finagle that yet. fortunately, the guy reminded me of my wristband, which i tore off and stuffed in my trashcan as he was walking up. that couldn't have helped any.

back to the matter at hand, though. after much rain and driving and eating of delicious barbeque, the three of us said goodbye to the other car, boarded mine, and set off for winston - four hours away. she didn't speak much, though, which made the trip home and off again a bit easier. halfway from raleigh to the dash, she requested to hear the two songs i'd played for her a couple weeks ago when we were driving alone to putters for food. two of my favorite third eye blind cuts from a decade ago. special songs, really. i played them, and, as i usually end up doing when i'm playing music for other people, really listened to it like i probably hadn't before. it's really almost perfect music. i knew she was enjoying it too.

about halfway through the second song, i glanced over and saw that the guy had fallen asleep. asleep, during this music. she was looking out the window into the night. she knows, i thought... or imagined. she knows he fell asleep during the songs, i thought, she knows that i'm the one with the music. she knows she should have chosen me. these are the kinds of thoughts i entertain. they don't really help anything. i managed to cling to these implausible beliefs for a little longer, until he woke up to her reaching past the seat and rubbing his leg. i sulked in the driver's seat, put my elbow on the windowsill and my head in my hand. she scratched his elbow and played with his fingers from the backseat. less than ten inches separated our three bodies. i could have swerved into traffic just to kill them both. we listened to the rest of the album in silence. they didn't deserve to hear it.

i'm caught between being civil and being mean. or even... between being civil and being, well, normal. i can't be normal, though. i can't pretend that well. i don't want to see her. i know it's probably pretty obvious but as long as nobody calls me out on it, well, i can ignore it. when we returned last night, we unpacked as we had packed: walking past each other without speaking. i don't know if she stayed in this apartment or not because i left with cokes and most of a fifth of captains and didn't return until 4am. his door was still closed. i don't think it opened again until five this evening. i don't know who was inside.

my saviour was a wonderful friend i hadn't gotten to speak to for a long time. i put on her florida gators sweatshirt and we lay close on her bed and talked about breaks, about life, and about the whole situation. she took my side, of course. even called the girl a bitch a couple times because of the way she'd treated me. it was wonderful. it helps to get it out. helps a lot. i met a couple more friends tonight who don't like her much either. i need to have a chat with them and see if those sentiments, in concert with the list of bad points i've made about her, is enough to kick me from her bandwagon. we shall see. it's a fairly shitty thing to do to a kid you once considered one of your closest friends, but it will have to do. i can't afford to give a shit about her anymore, especially if she's going to be spending nights in the next room.

i didn't see her again until tonight. she walked into our mutual friend's apt where i was hanging out with a couple kids. needed the girl's keys to get her stuff out of her car. fortunately she was with the kid from last semester and i was able to ignore her completely and strike up a conversation with him about gambling. they left. it will be interesting to see how this plays out.

...

do you ever get angry at happy people? they make me sick. this girl's roommate, who has a new boyfriend in virginia. she's all about smiley faces. i can't stand it.

today is st. patty's day. tonight will be good. some cool kids are visiting from pittsburgh soon, too. should be amazing. all these people who save my life. i love them.

i sent a message to the swede the other day but she hasn't responded. i think she's in berlin at the moment. i'll give it time. i have no idea what i want to happen at all. i just think it would be interesting to be in contact with her again.

i remembered today that a couple weeks ago, during a snowy period, i found myself alone in my apt with the girl's winter ski jacket. one with a lot of pockets. i wrote a note, a nutshell version being: "i don't know when you'll find this note. i hope you have a beautiful day. smile!" and my name. i stuffed it in an obscure pocket on the arm of the jacket and left it. i figured at the time she might not find it for months or years and i wondered what her reaction would be like. i was sure it would be a happy one but what of me? would we be friends? great friends? would she cry because she missed me at that moment? at this moment, i'm predicting mixed irony with flurries of regret. i can see it now, five years down the road she finds it, smiles, and when she sees the name... her heart stops for just one half beat.

optimistic... i know.