the solitude

hello darkness, my old friend


after the cable workers left, i walked outside for a bit. just to walk to the fence and see the shore for a bit. nothing too much was going on. some people walking down to lay out on the sand, a sister and younger brother throwing a ball back and forth. i didn't feel the need to return so i wandered over to the east building by the grills. i walked halfway down to the beach entrance just to stand and look around for a while longer. took the stairs slowly up to the fifth and one halfth floor to look out over the entire island. tried to see the lighthouse but during the day, it's difficult. i looked down and was surprised to see a seagull fly past below me. birds are so beautiful in flight. i stood up there thinking, silent, nowhere to go. i realized i'd probably spend almost as much waking time alone as with people this vacation. i can't remember a time that's ever happened before, especially a trip with friends.

but up there on the fifth and one halfth floor, i realized the holiness of silence, the sanctity of solitude, and the solace of knowing you can't be found.

it was a welcome feeling, to be alone. not necessarily consumed with oneself, but with the entire world. and to be hidden... it's a revelation. at school or at home i'm never without my cell phone or someone knowing the room i'm in. up there above the seagulls, none of them could have found me. it was wonderful. i had my share though, and walked slowly back downstairs. on the fifth floor hallway, there was a girl standing way at the other end. i paused, walked back up the steps as if i'd forgotten something, and walked down again. she wasn't looking though, so i kept on with my descent.

i dodged the landscapers on my way back to the condo, and sat outside on the patio reading for a long while. at least take the cannoli is a little more lighthearted than morrie. i got antsy, though, and told my other awake friend that i was going for a walk. i've come to cherish these lonesome wanderings, even after the inaugural escape run after the news broke a couple mornings ago. i kicked off my sandals on the landing and walked west again, as i'm used to. the breeze provided the awkward combination of pressing my thin running shorts flush with my body while my family jewels shrunk back into my body from the cold. whenever someone would pass, i'd have to bend over to look for sharks teeth or hold my hand out awkwardly and act like i was popping my knuckles. i had no timetable, no partner or anything, so i didn't worry so much on progress as time spent alone. walking slowly in the frigid surf, eyes glued to the walking people on the sand or the muck and gravel in the water. being raised as a child in my family, i'm always on the lookout for sharks teeth. i found a couple this week already, giving two of the four to girls who happened to be around. it seemed impressive to them anyway.

i remembered a time years ago when i was walking with my family the same direction down the same beach. at the time, i was quite close to this girl who lived in connecticut. i was daydreaming of a time when i'd visit her and meet her family. i pictured shaking hands with her father for the first time and him asking me to explain why i was good for his daughter. basically: why should i like you? i came up with a lot and that may have been when i really started appreciating myself for the first time. really believing in my self-worth and that i should be attractive to other people. it's been a constant battle since then.

as i wandered, for the fatherless in ypsilanti looped in my head and i sang a couple of the bars when i was alone. i passed seagulls and tried not to disturb them. their proud and giddy stance reminded me of my dog when she was particularly taken with something she could carry in her mouth. it was cute. i tried not to make them fly away and usually they didn't. it's nice to be inoffensive every now and then.

i tried to reconcile my thoughts a little, figure out what to believe about the situation at hand. tried to decide who the hell to blame. myself? them? her? i've come up with two different and conflicting philosophies so far. there's the morrie thought process, which goes something like this... don't avoid the problem but soak it in, swim in it, revel in it, and when all the emotions you have penetrate you to your core, you can recognize them and decide to let them go. all the loneliness, jealousy, self-pity, loneliness, anger, vengeance, loneliness, and slight i've accumulated over the past couple days. maybe i should just sit and watch them be intimate with each other. watch them cuddle. stare them in the face and have a conversation. talk to them both about it. and when i understand the loneliness, i can decide not to feel it anymore.

there's also the a-bear philosophy which can be summed up in two words: fuck 'em. kidding, sort of. there's a bit more to it than that. a dear friend from high school told me once to take care of myself first, no matter what. i don't have to be a nice guy all the time. it's ok to be mean every now and then. it goes something like this... ignore them if you can, don't look at either of them, leave the room when they cuddle. refuse to talk about it later but refuse in a way that makes it clear there are problems. accept that i've been lied to and be angry about it. later on, end communication and try not to see her at all, much less them together. maybe if she realizes she's fucked up and fucked me over, she'll actually try to make things better. better than texting me asking when i'll talk to her again.

i waffle between the two pretty often. just walking there, i'd switch philosophies over and over. part of the problem is that i don't trust myself at all. even if i felt like i should be mean, i end up believing i created the problem to begin with. it's difficult. the problems in placing blame brought me back to the girl from my dream i mentioned in earlier posts, the swede. she's over in denmark right now. kicking through the waves, i looked down in time to see one shark's tooth, the first i'd seen, sitting right on top of the sand. black and glistening and beautiful. i lunged down and forwards, grasping with my fingers just as the swell hit. came up with nothing. story of my week, really.

but that girl, i sort of missed her. i let these two kids go for a while and thought about her. i decided to send her a message of sorts. i pictured speaking to a good mutual friend of ours and asking her how much of a bad idea it would be to try some shit like that. i know it isn't smart. about ten minutes ago, i did anyway. she's the girl in my vision. someone not too serious, some warm, pretty body to hold when i needed it. a tool to crank up my self-esteem every now and then. is that a terrible use of a human being? i guess it depends on who it is.

there were a couple young guys on the beach ahead of me that i didn't feel like walking past. i stopped and looked around for a little while and saw a familiar house on the front row. they were family friends of ours and i'd been there a couple times before. i walked up to the dunes and continued down towards their beach entrance. the boys were also preparing to go inside and were loitering around the property next door. every now and then, as i was walking towards them, they'd look at me funny, like i was going to shoot them or ask for money. i turned in and walked up their steps to see if anyone was home. of course they weren't. i sat down on a wrap-around bench on their porch for a long while. just sitting. there was an old metal decorative fish tossed into an overgrown patch of sea-grass type stuff. their shower was drilled into and around an old dead tree. a tree shower. i liked it. i thought on their names till i remembered them.

after a while, i got tired and wandered slowly back towards the condo. two helicopters passed by above while i let my feet sink in the wet sand. as one passed earlier, i had skipped a shell off the surf. i didn't really feel like returning either, but it was a necessity. i'd been gone over an hour anyway. and almost without saying a word.

it's hard to know what to say about the rest of the day or how things will turn out in the near future. by tonight, kids are finally asking why i'm acting so strange. i don't know what to say. she texted me asking when i'd talk to her again. i almost responded that i didn't know but ended up just saying nothing. if they try and take advantage of our hours in the car tomorrow by talking to me about the situation, i'll throw them out on the spot and keep driving. i swear to god i will.



p.s. no country was spectacular (i wish i was anton chigurh) and i beat the other girl and the two of them by twelve to eighteen strokes in mini golf tonight. seriously.



goodnight. i love you. somewhere, i love you.