no silver lining

i think they're still playing the wii. same place i left them last night... apparently until 4am. i know why this makes me so sick. the more and more time i spend with this girl, the more i find her so attractive. the more i can't stand it that she seems so close to one of my best friends. there are so many issues involved in this that i couldn't survive bringing them all up in one post. this is spring break. we're at the beach. there are so many things that are supposed to be wonderful and happy right now that it makes me hate myself even more when i realize i'm not enjoying it that much because of something as silly as imaginary heartbreak. i know they won't have a relationship. i know she doesn't want one at all. i know they're like siblings. i mean, i know that's what they say. i have no reason not to believe either one of them. but it doesn't help. whenever they're alone, i fear the worst. and what's the worst? that they somehow melt together in a way i never could? that's not a bad thing. i'm not losing anything. you can't lose anything you never had. jealousy is a little green demon that lives in my gut and boxes my insides sixty six times a day.

this morning, while we were walking to the beach, she was slow and stayed back getting a jacket while we walked ahead. she didn't run to catch up and just walked behind us until i stopped to wait for her. last night when the two of us were walking back to the others on the beach, she would run ahead and i'd walk behind. she has not once, this entire trip, ran to me or waited for me at all. i hear from her that my roommate and i, we're on the same level but for different reasons. that she could never choose between us. but if you could be a ghost in the room, observing the entire trip... you'd think they were a new romance. that they were half in love with each other. you'd see me in the corner watching with bloodstained eyes.

the problem is... i can't blame anyone. i can't legitimately get angry at either of them for enjoying the other's company. i only regret that i'm not more entertaining or fun or outgoing or something... i can't fault her for not paying me any mind. who would? that's the end result of all these games we play with each other. i stop believing i'm worthwhile. the longer i'm single and not heartbroken, the more i believe in myself. the longer i'm single and heartbroken, the more i believe i'm nothing at all. they talked a little about it tonight, how with him you immediately feel like you're special and appreciated... until you realize he treats everyone that way. with me, you immediately feel like i don't like you (in most people's cases anyway) but if you become my friend, you end up feeling special and appreciated because you know i don't treat many people that way. unfortunately, i don't get the feeling that matters nearly as much when you place us side by side. i hate how this has become a competition between myself and my roommate. we never used to have problems before she came along. even then, the problems are all in my head, nobody else's...

when i woke up this morning, i fought the urge to open one door or the other to make sure they weren't sharing a bedroom. how sick is that? when i get to feeling this way - and it happens pretty damn often - i get quiet. this is a problem because i'll walk in on them playing a game and she'll be sitting leaning between his legs. when one of them would win, she'll turn and look back over her shoulder with this cute little grin on her face, right up towards his. he'll be talking to a sick friend of ours on the phone and she'll try and balance on his feet. then they'll have a staring contest for five minutes, a foot away, staring right into the other's eyes. i just can't take it. i stand there looking at my feet. i mean... i can't really interrupt...

i get quiet and then it gets awkward for everyone, presumably anyway. i know it must be true. this will happen at school and she will confront me later. i'll walk into the apartment and she'll be there, sitting talking to him. and they both invite me in because i'm close to the both of them but i'll feel quiet because it hits me like a fist to the stomach when i walk in and they're there together. she knows. what the hell can i say? i want so badly to be honest with this girl because i know she'd listen to me. i can't though. because i'm crazy. we've had one discussion about my craziness already and it ended with the mutual understanding that i just can't be that way. not with her. she's close to too many people. acts physical with too many guys for that to work. i won't survive it. we won't survive it. i know this but i can't help feeling like i do when i see it. i'm jealous. i can't pretend everything is fine when it's quite clearly them two plus everyone else. in the grocery store today they walked around together the entire time. stayed in there an extra six or seven minutes while the rest of us waited in the car. i pictured them by the wine and potato chips making out. i'm crazy.

so i'm quiet but i know i shouldn't be. i just don't know what to say. i want to talk to goddamn badly about it but i can't because the only person i trust is the girl and if i say anything at all, it will just make things worse. i don't want her to consider me at all. i don't want her to think of my feelings when she's horsing around with other guys because that's unfair to everyone. i'm not a burden. i just want to be loved. i can't say anything at all.

"i wish i'd never seen your face"

i'm stuck here admitting all this to an imaginary journal. some friend i haven't met yet. some unbiased, nonjudgmental wall. a white screen. the minutes tick by and i keep writing, honestly not because i have much more to say, but because i'm scared to quit and turn my music off because i know i'll hear them laughing in the other room. she has this one mole on the top of her foot that's just so adorable it makes me want to die.

i have a sickening feeling i'm ruining this trip for everyone.





a little bit ago, while everyone else was making strawberry daiquiris, i donned a sweatshirt and said i was going outside for a second and that i'd be back. nobody tried to stop me. nobody followed me. so i left. i'm not sure what i was hoping would happen but it was just me. i walked off the patio and through the damp grass towards the beach. there was one condo with a light still on but i couldn't see inside. i was going to walk down left to the other beach entrance but i went right to the one we always use. down onto the sand with my shoes still on and out towards the water. it was mid to upper fifties out but the breeze made it feel a lot chillier. there was something shiny in the sand but it was just plastic. i couldn't see very well - most all the light came from two old light posts at either beach entrance - and i got to the soft sand before i thought i would and nearly stepped in the water. i walked down the beach in the dark a little ways before i stopped and headed back up the beach. it's sort of scary when you're out there alone late at night. i walked back up to the dunes where it's shaded, put my hood on, and lay down against one sort of in between some of the sawgrass. i lay there on my back looking at the sky for a little while. there weren't any stars out at all. the sky was a faint, striated rusty red color with clouds. clouds as far as you could see. down left, the beach curved out as lights over the water to a point. a long ways afterwards, out in the water, you could see the cape lookout lighthouse. it sent an aura out over the water every ten seconds. i got scared of looking to the left and looked to the right a bit too. just to make sure nobody was coming.

i kept wondering if anyone would try and come find me. if anyone would walk to the fence and call my name. nobody ever did. after watching the lighthouse four times in a row, i got up slowly and brushed myself off, walked slowly back towards my beach entrance. i stopped at the middle landing and leaned shoulders down against the wooden railing. looked at the grass on the dunes, the condominium, the island, the lighthouse. a man walked out on his penthouse patio on the top floor ahead of me. i'm sure he saw me standing there and wondered what the hell i was doing out there after midnight. i turned around and looked to the west, saw a single light in the sky. it winked at me. i watched it fly along the beach towards me and hoped it was a helicopter. i walked back down a couple steps, intending to find a nice dark patch of sand to watch it fly by from, but when i looked up again it had turned around and was flying the other direction. i walked back up the steps and slowly made my way back towards the room. nobody was surprised when i came back.

i don't really know what to do about myself... or anyone else for that matter. it's nearly every person's desire to be touched every now and then. if not that, then at least to find reprieve from watching someone else receive your affection. when your pain doesn't exist in real life, how do you stop it? when you're heartbroke for no good reason, how can you survive?