this is a familiar position. laying in bed, headphones in to prevent unwanted sounds from leaking in. ignoring the rest of the condo for fear of going mad. the only differences from last night are the rubber band shaped sunburn line on my arm, the swelling around my right knee, and the physical sickness that comes from the evolution of paranoia to truth.
i bolted up in bed last night, 5am, trying to hear the whispering and footsteps outside my room. trying to figure out where everyone was sleeping. it does my heart wrong to be so sick over such things. i woke up this morning in time to see two of the girls away for errands and the such. the guy and the other girl were still sleeping. i put on some sweatpants, a t-shirt, a hat, some sunglasses, and a jacket and walked out to the beach with tuesdays with morrie, which i have to read for a class. i wandered down to the sand and took off my sandals. looked around the beach for a little while and made my way over to an adjacent spot to the one i lay last night. i could still see the marks i made in the sand. dropped my sandals and lay down against the dune, reading. it was actually a pretty nice spot. the sand's really fine up there. i rolled over and read some more. it was a nice morning and i thought of going for a run on the beach. when i walked back into the condo, he was already awake, looking nervous on the couch. i acted aloof, as i've been doing all day, and mentioned i was going running but he didn't feel like it. i didn't pay him much mind but went and got dressed. i was walking out the door when he called me back. i hung against the doorframe - sunglasses shielding my eyes, thank the lord - as he told me that they stayed up last night talking. they really liked each other and had decided to try a relationship.
i think i was in shock. i said i wasn't too surprised. he said he just wanted to tell me first, before the girls heard and let it slip. at least he manned up about it. i said goodbye and took off running. the best example i can come up with is if you're a doctor becoming ill. you know the symptoms of the disease but you go in for testing anyway. pretty soon, a dear friend comes to bear the bad news. you're terminal. you knew this all along so when you hear it... it's almost comical. now that it's finally been said out loud, now that it's finally true. there's a little bit of condolence in getting to play the victim. the truth of the matter is that i was fucked over. at least i have that.
i ran to the beach entrance and took off my t-shirt, stretched a little. it was about 60 but breezy so it was sort of chilly but i didn't notice it. when i got to the sand, i took off west towards a water tower in the distance. i didn't look back until i was past it, a mile and a half down the shore. it wasn't easy running in the sand, either. i'd never really tried it before. a lot of digging into wet grit and sinking down again and again. i'm still kind of amazed i made it as far as i did, sand-running anyway. when i got past the water tower, i kind of breathed a little and just sat down on the sand and watched the waves break. i'll give you one guess as to what i thought about the entire day.
there were some people doing construction behind me but i didn't notice them right away. all i could think of were things to say. trying to compute the ways i'd been lied to. trying to organize the ways i'd been slighted recently. trying to decide how to react. clearly, i have a reaction to run away (literally). but what about going back? i didn't want to. can i be a good friend to her? can i be her friend at all? i couldn't imagine, in that moment, physically being in the same room as either of them. i tried to figure out what i would say to her if i could (even though i decided that if she wanted to talk to me about it, which she hasn't yet, that i would flat out refuse to). something along the lines of this proving my thoughts right. that she would choose him over me. that anyone would. that she wants shallowness over depth. that she chose the wii over playing her favorite song on the guitar (and writing and reading and foreign films). all about losers and winners laid out in a very clear and scathing manner. it was perfect back then. i can't reproduce it here. i guess i didn't move for a while because flies began to land on me. i guess they knew, too. i think my reaction, which i can't even remember correctly, was something like, "but who am i to stand between such an honorable union of souls?" scathing, right? it was either that or "comical union of souls" but i can't remember which. (chaste?? afterthought.)
after a long while sitting there, i stood to walk back. as it had done the last time i'd run, my right knee was sore. i have no idea why. i didn't terribly mind it, though. pain is often welcome with me. i walked back through an illicit beach entrance path through dunes to the row of houses behind. walked down it with my head practically between my legs, limping a little. an old woman passed by very slowly on her bicycle. after a minute, an old man did the same. they rode on down the road together. i found a house that some close family friends of ours own but they weren't home. i unhitched their gate and walked up on the porch to sit for a second. it was windy and cooler there and without a shirt, i didn't much appreciate it so i descended and walked back out to the ocean again. the going was pretty slow due to my knee - which kept hurting more and more - but then again, i didn't really want to ever make it back anyway. i would stop every now and then to look down and watch the swelling grow. i have no idea why it happened. i saw a penny once and picked it up. as i was cleaning it off with my fingers, i saw an entire family of four watching me from their gazebo up the beach. i wondered if they knew too. if they could see it on my face.
when i got nearer to the condo, i kept looking to see if they were walking out on the beach. kept checking to see if they were looking for me. i'd told him i would be back in just a couple minutes and it had been over an hour. i was prepared to mount the dunes and head back to the condo from the street side if i had to. they never came. a helicopter flew in low over the beach. when i got back, i needed a rest so i returned to my spot against the dunes and sat for a little while longer. kept looking back to see if they were looking for me but they never showed up. i sat there watching the waves breaking some more, just taking it all in. after a while, i was getting thirsty so i stumbled back up the steps, grabbed my t-shirt off the bench, and limped slowly towards the room. i kept wiping my face with the shirt, almost using it as a decoy so they wouldn't see my mouth until i was there. when i walked in, i thought the place was empty. nobody was playing the wii. i tiptoed over to the window and there was still only one car missing. i walked quietly back to my room and heard them both in her room next door. i heard my name and thought they knew i was back but neither said anything to me so i guess they didn't. giggling etc. i checked my computer real quick and slowly walked out again. grabbed tuesdays again and a glass of ice water and sat outside reading in the sunlight on the porch recliner, my right leg propped up in a chair.
after a while, i got bored and stood. i thought i'd see how well i could walk. i headed towards the fence with my ice water in hand. i had to stop halfway there (maybe 30 yards?) because every time i lifted my leg and my foot swiveled a little to the outside, it felt like a migraine from the outside of my right knee down to my ankle. this was getting serious. i got to the fence really slowly and stood there a while, resting on my left leg. some guy had drawn "317" really large in the sand. i watched as he drew a dash and figured i would watch until he finished a phone number. i turned around to see the guy running out the condo after me. he wanted to know if i'd play racquetball with them but i explained... pretty tersely i guess... that my knee was fucked and that i couldn't. we looked down at it. i showed him the golf ball on the outside, right where i imagined some of the lateral collateral ligaments would be. we watched for a sec while the guy drew some more in the sand ("340-933") and then left. i stood there with my melting ice water and watched him jog back. then turned to see the rest of the number written out... "7 CHRIS" i hobbled slowly back inside.
she came out in her pajamas to ask me to play racquetball but i explained my condition and got more ice water, taking it to the patio to read some more. eventually, she took her phone outside, made a comment about the book - i small talked quietly - and left to make a phone call. i didn't watch her leave.
this is all half-strange to me because my dreams last night completely contradict the situation. maybe they were a reaction to feeling like i'd lost this girl because i completely went back to the last one in my sleep. the one i haven't spoken to in over a year or hung out with in two. the pretty blonde with the big cheekbones and cool shoes. the swede. in my dreams, i was with her again, making out. it was so damn comfortable and i was so happy to have her back, even though i can't imagine we'd be friends even if she were in the country right now. such a warm body, a warm beautiful body. i think that's all i really need right now, someone gorgeous to cuddle up to. that's all the self-esteem boost i need. i just find it strange that after all these problems brought up by the desert chick that i'd end up dreaming of the swede. who knew?
eventually, they left to play and the other girls got back from their trip. they made drinks and we all walked down to the beach - at least i wore a shirt this time - and lay out on towels. i brought tuesdays with me. i've read half the damn book already. we lay out there for a long while reading, watching another group of late-2o's rednecks with children play in the water. the breeze kept kicking the corner of my blanket up on top of me, spraying sand all in the spine of the book. it was cold. after reading 28 pages, i closed the book and stood up to see if i could walk. i think the swelling goes down when i'm resting. i was stiff and pained but it was bearable so i walked down to the water and started picking up shells and skipping them off the waves. the water washed over my feet time and time again, so cold that it immediately hurt. every time i threw one, i instinctively looked up a the steps to see if they were coming down to join us. they never were.
we packed up and walked back to the condo. i can't remember the rest of the afternoon.
my attitude to this point in time has been ambivalence. aloofness. passive indifference. i don't know how else to go about it. i get sad. if spoken to, i'll reply in a confused, quiet manner. i don't know what else to do. i don't know. i was going to watch tv or something but saw one of the two other girls - the one i kind of also enjoy - sitting out on the rocker so i joined her. pretty soon the other one joined us too. we talked about family. the guy and the girl eventually found us. he was dressed in black and she had on a beautiful dress that i refused to look at. we piled in my car and drove nine miles west down the island to a great restaurant. there was a bit of a wait so we hung around outside, watching the turtles bobbing around in the canal. when she first saw one, she made this squeal that was a cute as life is difficult for me at this moment. she was standing over near him so i walked down the railing to where it curled around the building and they couldn't see me anymore. texted a dear friend i've met maybe twice and took a couple pictures with my phone. the sun was setting over the canal and it was spectacular. we all walked around a little bit more when the buzzer went off and we walked back to eat. i limped in the back.
our table was two booths and i was the last one there. two girls on one side, the two of them on the other. i sat beside the girls even though i was left handed and could have used the elbow room of the other side. we chatted throughout the meal, mostly them. one of the girls, in fact, asked me why i was so quiet and i responded by commenting on how good the crescent rolls were. they were spectacular as well. i noticed about halfway in that i was spending nearly all my time either glancing around the room, looking at my food, looking at a television over the bar (through the leaves of a decorative plant), or looking out the window at the fading twilight. i focused my eyes on him a slight bit and her nearly not at all. i wonder if she noticed that i never looked at her. she was just so pretty, you know. now that i'm actually able to list the ways and the whys that i have feelings for this girl... i can't look at her. i just can't see her. it's too hard. she never called me out on it though. i think she's scared to talk to me. she knows she lied to me and that shit is going to hit the fan sooner or later and not just with me.
as we were leaving, the three girls went to the bathroom, leaving just me and the guy waiting for them. we've been friends for three years now but i've never found it harder to talk to him than today. i just have nothing to say to him anymore. we fucking live together. this isn't looking good. we drove over to the wings across the street looking for henna tattoos but they weren't starting that until next week. we drove back home in the dark, the two of them flanking the shorter girl in the backseat. i'd been numb all day and it wasn't until later that things got really bad.
we were all exhausted and decided to watch a movie (they found my grandmother's vhs copy of down periscope, a great movie) and eventually gathered in the living room. i thought i'd leave the movie early to come write or read some or talk to dear friends but never did. i happened to glance to my left once and saw just enough to realize that she was leaning up against him on the couch. this act of cuddle was the first thing they'd actually done in my presence to make it concretely and truly feel like they were a couple. without even realizing it, my stomach became physically sick. i couldn't move. after a while, he half-got off the couch, but only to lay down again on her. i could have died. i didn't look at either of them for the rest of the night. that little bit of physical contact means so damn much to me. at the movie theater a couple weeks ago, she'd leaned against me the entire time. it took me until now to remember that. i miss it. the last time i cuddled with anyone watching a movie was freshman year with the swede. it was goodbye, lenin! we have to watch it again for film class this semester. i don't think i can handle it so i'll probably just rent the movie and watch it myself.
anyway, all three of us abruptly went to bed, leaving them in the dark with the television. it was awkward but none of us could exactly stop and none of us wanted to be left with them so we kept walking. the girls texted me about playing cards so i walked over to their room and played two games of crazy eights (won one) and two games of three-person war (won both) before retiring to my room. i swear both as i was walking to my room and from the bathroom to my room after brushing my teeth, that i heard them making out in the living room. i almost died.
don't quite know how i'll make it through these next couple days. that's the goddamn truth.
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