destroyed again

i'm never going to know you now but i'm going to love you anyhow...


does anyone know how difficult it is to be me? i know it's not bad at all but i like to pretend it is. today during lunch, when i'd seen my roommate and the two girls for the first time in three days, she put her feet up on our booth from across the table and made solid contact with my knee. stayed there for a good long while. when we got our food, she took them down and my leg was cold...

cold, that's what it feels like. that lonely feeling when you realize that someone just doesn't feel the same way about you or that you realize someone isn't who you fell for at all. those moments exist to torture me. i've had much experience with them.

the five drinks i finished an hour and a half ago are finally making me sleepy and every time i blink it gets harder to focus on the screen again so i'll try and make this quick. before i descend into drivel anyway...

this girl, she's so difficult. she's very physical and flirty, which is wonderful fun if it's you she's dealing with but unfortunately that's not always the case. see, we sat down a week or so ago and talked until a quarter after seven in the morning and figured out that she doesn't have any feelings for me (but that i'm one of her closer friends, however much that means) and that any feelings i might have for her i don't really understand or can't substantiate at all. basically, i was sorry i brought anything up because i was kind of enjoying pretending she felt the same about me without having to explain just how crazy of a person i am. craziness isn't attractive. silly, childish, outgoing, and physically flirty is. i'm slowly figuring out how to enumerate the things that i love about this girl, which is scary because once i cut all the jigsaw pieces, i could put them together and once that's done i'm flat out fucked because she's already told me she just doesn't want a relationship right now. i don't really understand that either. who doesn't want a relationship? she's never even had one before. how can someone not want to have someone who feels like they're the most special kid they know? i would love that. as long as it's someone i'm attracted to, anyway.

unfortunately, my options are extremely limited and don't usually - read "never" - pan out. what is so difficult is my roommate. we're both close to this girl and, as she tells it, are on the same plane in terms of friendships. both up there near the top of her list, you know. the problem is that my roommate is very much an entertaining and fun kid to be around, externally. he's incredibly friendly and engaging if you meet him and that feeling stays with you. he's a rough housing type of fun all the time. there's nothing really wrong with that, it's just a very physical type of entertainment. she's sort of the same way. i'm really saying that she has a certain relationship with him and a certain relationship with me. she fights and wrestles with him and sits and talks with me. honestly, i'd rather be in the position i .am... if only there were more opportunities to feel like that mattered. the problem is that 95% of the time we're in a group and when it comes down to who you want to hang out with, it's usually him.

what i'm trying to say is that if my roommate and i were tethered at two corners of a room and she was released in the middle, she'd go have fun with him instead of me. i hate feeling like the boring one. i don't do as much physical play because i don't want to overstep my bounds. i don't want to be inappropriate. i like to respect girls' spaces, you know. it just kills me sometimes. i know what she tells me: that they have a brother-sister type relationship, nothing more. still, when we go walk on the beach and they're all over each other while me and the other friend are sort of walking and talking alone... it sucks. she'd go try and run off alone in the dark tipsy and i'd chase her down. when i catch her, she'd run off back towards the other two kids, leaving me alone again. and when i didn't feel like running back, i just walked behind everyone for a while. it got colder then, i swear.

when i got dressed for bed, they were playing wii together, him in a chair and her sitting between his legs. it makes me sick. now that i'm finding reasons to convince myself i have feelings for her, i'm more jealous than ever. i want so badly to be honest with this girl, to just tell her how much it hurts me when she acts like that. i can't say it out loud, though, because i'm scared of being that guy. i'm scared of creating new problems. of having her ever consider me when thinking of how to respond to a situation. there are people like that she deals with. i don't want to be one of them. my reaction isn't the greatest, though. i run away. i dig a hole and hide inside it. can't really do that here, when we're all living in the same 3 bedroom condo hundreds of miles from home. doesn't work that way.

i always was convinced that i could be so good to someone. i could make someone so happy. the fact that she consistently chooses my roommate over me does a lot to kill those notions. the difference between us is that he immediately makes someone feel liked and, after a while, i make someone feel loved. unfortunately, it's a lot harder to make it to the second half of that equation these days. it's so much easier to be drawn to someone who's entertaining on the surface than fulfilling beneath. and i don't wish to disparage my roommate, he's a great guy. it's just difficult for me to have to watch all this for days on end.

this trip was supposed to be four people. it feels more and more like two and two. i hate that.

my bed is so cold tonight.

why doesn't anyone i love ever choose me?