church of the red cave

i am the only living boy


i sat out in the green room yesterday in my favorite chair, skimming over a blender article on my new favorite pop star (kelly clarkson, even though i haven't heard any of her music) and listening to music. radiohead's "climbing up the walls" shuffled in and i froze. it's one of those songs that i never noticed for the longest time and then one day realized it's as beautiful and dark and deep as the ocean. it's the dark room i'm sitting in. it's a shadow on the other side of the blinds, my window slamming shut while i'm sleeping. i stopped reading, knocked the volume up too high, and closed my eyes. it's one of those songs that, when it gets moving... when all the bass and guitar and percussion and strings and vocals and noise hit at once... i forgot to breathe for a while. all the air left and there was a big, heavy, immovable pit inside. and it was fine. when jonny sent in his army of 16 violins at the end, i died.

and as for saint patty's day... car bombs were in order, which led to a game of darts that took far too long. three of us left for a bar - finnegan's wake, naturally - praying there was no cover charge. there wasn't and we found some friends at the very back of a very long and crowded and green room. a cover band on the near end played beautiful music. i'd forgotten how much i adore "sympathy for the devil". a friend said the guinness wasn't good because they'd poured them in advance for orders and they weren't quite cold. i took a murphy's followed by a harp followed by a highland's gaelic ale... for around fifteen dollars i'm guessing. oh well. it's saint patty's day. we all took pictures and took off for a frat party catering to the holiday.

stumbled in the back door there and hid among the group as we found my roommate and the girl. we'll call her spesso tonight because the name's stuck on my mind. someone tossed me a beer. spesso had messaged me earlier, while i was alone playing guitar, which shocked the hell out of me. she tried to apologize and figure out how to make things better. i played the drama queen, didn't say much, and didn't give her an opportunity at all. poor kid. just told her i didn't know what would happen. i didn't know anything. i was hoping she wouldn't approach me at the party because i was drunk with beer and goodwill. didn't really want to be too kind to her. we headed downstairs and met a kid who lived near me freshman year. he looked like a wreck and appeared to be wandering around alone. certainly friendly. asked if i was growing a beard. only accidentally, i told him. a pretty friend of mine, who we'd found back at finnegan's, told me to be her bodyguard because there was a creepy guy at some table doing something but i lost interest. i walked upstairs to go to the bathroom and forgot. there was a girl trying to figure out how to use it and made me guard the door for her, which i did. i did my business and was on my way out when spesso found me separated from the herd and decided we needed to talk.

i wasn't as mean to her as i could have been. i don't really remember it all that well, honestly. about halfway through our conversation, i noticed everyone else had regrouped beside us. every now and then, one of our short drunk friends would walk up as if we were a triangle but i'd just stare at him and he'd wander away again. (later on, we parked back here and he decided to walk the couple miles back to his apartment in the middle of the night without telling anyone) she tried to explain what happened and tell me that she didn't mean to hurt me. i told her it should have been her who spoke to me instead of my roommate. he didn't have the perspective she did. she was the one who knew the issues i would have with all this. at least if she had come to me first, i would have no one to blame for any ill will except myself. that it was all the more difficult because i had figured out exactly what she meant to me. that my feelings were real. she tried to tell me that she didn't see it coming at all, that it just happened the night it did and i was the first to know in the morning. frankly, i still don't believe that at all. i told her the entire situation was cruel. that i didn't blame him at all, just her. that i wouldn't ever do anything to jeopardize their relationship but that i'd just deal with my own issues myself, in time. my motif of the evening dealt with time. time would heal all, i said. but time takes time, you know.

i was actually very kind. i told her i didn't know how to hang out with her or see them together and that if i ever had to, i'd probably just leave. she apologized again and said she missed me and that there wasn't much time before school would be done (she's traveling next semester) and she was worried because of that. she valued my friendship and didn't want to lose it. i couldn't very well go back on what i said before so i just repeated it, the time business. she started getting hit by violent sniffles and looking away, making it more difficult. her words came out in wails but she tried to hide it. i don't know how much of this was heard or seen by the rest of the party but we were basically yelling at each other just to hear so i doubt it. eventually we ran out of words and she started crying to herself. i pulled her in close with my beerless arm and she cried into my shoulder. how do you describe a moment like that?

i can't remember ever having that kind of effect on someone. it's not like me to make a girl cry. i usually don't mean that much. her boyfriend was standing in the kitchen talking to someone and i tried to wave him over but he never saw me. i told her that it was going to be ok, that we would be ok eventually. she said she needed to get some air and walked outside. i didn't want her emotionally wandering through a saint patty's day frat party alone so i followed her outside. i leaned up against a post while she stood in the yard. she looked back at me once, as if i was the one torturing her by following her out there. welcome to last week. eventually, her boyfriend found us outside and went over to her. i didn't look, just walked back inside. they were taking more pictures so i joined in. i can't really imagine how much you could read on my face.

i couldn't sleep so i puked some and tried again. the night swallowed me whole after that.




i woke in the morning to find her jewelry and a travel toothbrush on the counter above our sink.




i don't really know what to think of all this. it's pretty clear that i can't handle seeing them together or her alone, really. it does nothing but remind me of the feelings i had... and the ones i still do. i don't believe she is so cruel, though. she's not as bad as she acted. i know she cares about me and our friendship. i just don't know what to do about it. she made a mistake and never fixed it and hurt me. i locked myself inside and refused to talk to or look at her, which hurt her. and here we're stuck at an impasse. time is running out.

i don't know what the fuck i'm going to do.