there's kids playing guns in the street

{simplyummy porch}

and one's pointing his treebranch at me.

it's getting cool, cool enough to make me wish i'd brought a jacket. there's kids across the miniature street playing with sticks and climbing trees. their parents, apparently part of some modern outdoor child-play coalition, don't speak to each other and only stand severely and reprimand the kids when they climb on the lamppost by the road or say they're gonna shoot someone. or even "shoot me." kids with names like eli and kennedy. it's the society we live in. as the group parts ways, the parents speak for the children. act like they're saying goodbye to their "friends" for them. and they're gone.

if i close my eyes, it's hard to distinguish this place from any other. it has a suburban sound. cars gliding by on the village street, starting and stopping. suspensions creak over speed bumps. droning on the road behind me. the breeze is cold on my lower back and it rattles all the dead leaves still hanging on the trees. i'm always amused by suburban trees. they're there only as a treatise with nature. middle class white folks are proud of them it shows we care. we built this shopping village around these trees instead of on top of them to protect the delicate ecosystem. it makes up for our sweatshop running shoes.

i've already been told i'll have to leave in an hour so they can start setting up for a party. a coffee shop party? i won't even comment. at least the grey clouds have moved on. it looked like rain. every now and then, a hole would open up like a fresh, ragged wound in the dark visage and would be as clear and blue as day. felt like if i were flying a jetfighter, i could hurtle fast as i could towards it to escape. the door to slide under at the last second.

how strange i find it to be back in this familiar position. i try not to give an inch. how many times have i loved girls and not told them? now i have one whom half the time i honestly believes feels the same way about me. she's pretty. not perfect, but then again, that's just me making life difficult for myself. i'm stuck in that grey area between responding to her and just wanting to be friends. i think about her enough but utterly ignore it otherwise. i don't know if i really want her or if i really don't want other guys to have her. which is stronger? affection or jealousy? and isn't it true that they're both lobbying for the same thing? or fear? or fear...

the sun just came out for the first time.

i'm so afraid of intimacy it hurts. i wouldn't have any idea how to be close to someone. that's why i'm so hesitant to move froward. i don't know how. i'm scared of all the bad things that could happen. of being embarrassed. of being exposed.

you know the worst part? the more time i spend with them, the more comfortable i feel around her roommate. she's the one i might have more in common with. she has a better figure, too. i'm just saying. and a new boyfriend. apparently, though, as i heard through the walls last night when my girl stayed with my roommate (goddamn them both... kidding), she probably hasn't been without a boyfriend since she was 14. reminds me of other people, too. it's a little surprising actually, but i guess some people are just that way.

my mother hasn't called me back from the hospital. i'm getting worried.