just when i think i'm special

...you remind me i'm not

the window ahead of me is a terribly organized photograph. all messy and without focus. the wooden window pane separators look like guidelines the photographer forgot to use. the arch of the window with the not quite centered stone arch in the background. the tops of all the glowing tables and chairs on the big porch, the top of the railing over the mag quad, the top of the last dorm, the tops of all the trees behind it, and the tops of the two tallest buildings in winston. oh... and the bottom of the sky. maybe it's not so bad after all.

so here's a problem. there's two, the one and the other, and i don't know which to choose (or what to do when i've chosen). last night at anatomy drinking night, after the basketball game, i was texting the one. the girls kept making comments because i was texting someone (and was therefore having an illicit affair or being a spy or other more interesting things) and when it finally got figured out, they got awkward. for no reason than girls always get awkward. i don't think they can help it. she was out with a bunch of guys for this kid's 21st, had wanted me to come, but i was exhausted, gross, and in pain from the game. it's true, my texting has quadrupled in the last three weeks.

counterpoint. before texting, i took a short break to grab another beer but decided to leave it on my front step (it was 29 degrees out) and go say hi to the other. i sat with her against the counter of the kitchenette and we chatted for a while, long enough for my roommate (back from dancing) to call and ask why there was an unopened bottle of beer on our front step. i told him. what was so wonderful was the ease of our conversation right then. it's a pretty great feeling when you realize you've made a new friend for real. one who doesn't mind if you drop by while she's in her pajamas and chat a while.

after the texting and drinking had subsided, i returned to my room to be lazy until i felt like going to bed. at about 1am, the one comes knocking on my door with another extremely casual acquaintance, both drunk. this was good. she doesn't often drink and, even though we didn't really know each other, he was drunkenly friendly as well. since my roommate was asleep, i told them i'd drop by in a minute. i put shoes on, grabbed my chocolate milk, and joined them. when i walked in, they (the one, the other, the acquaintance, and the birthday boy) were all cuddling on the other's bed. i was invited to join so i did. it seemed the two guys' missions were to fall asleep on every piece of furniture that wasn't theirs (all of it) so they wouldn't have to go home.

the one was hungry so we shared some leftovers on the futon. after a while she lay down and i lay against her and we talked while the other entertained the two drunk guys in her room. the drunk guys locked themselves in there when the ohter came out at the one's request to cuddle with us on the futon. we all lay down and chatted a bit. the entire process was actually pretty wonderful.

the one got up to get birthday boy out of the other's bed but ended up laying on top of him. the other tried to get the acquaintance to help unfold the futon but he just requested a hug and didn't move. when she came to remove me, i jokingly requested the same thing and she, tired, and very much like a small animal looking for a warm spot, curled up next to me on the futon, her head on my chest and her hand on my stomach. i put my arm around her and slowly scratched her head for the longest while. we talked little but mostly watched the drunk kids wander around the apartment. i just sat there thinking of what i wrote in my last post about her roommate and how this was just as beautiful as that could have been. the one changed clothes in the bathroom and went to get the acquaintance out of her bed.

the other got up off me to fix the futon. it was cold for a couple seconds. she was surprisingly warm. when the futon was fixed, i wandered into the one's room where she was looking for chapstick. she rubbed past me on her way out the door and i realized you could see right through her wifebeater.

birthday boy had joined the other on the futon and there was a spot for one more. both her and her roommate were inviting me to stay, either as the third on the futon or the second in the other's bed, i assume. i might should have, really. i doubt anything would have happened (although i really can't tell with these girls). the one walked me to the door and i left, rubbing her arm on the way out.

the one or the other? the much more likely answer is neither, as the one "doesn't fall for people" and the other has a boyfriend in virginia/california. some of the girls think me and the one would be good together while some others think the other and i would be cute.

i guess i'd have to agree.

i love you both.