everything's {not} lost

i don't particularly enjoy being crazy.

but i am.

the night i wrote my last post, i attended a party at a friend's apartment. i drank mixed drinks with unmeasured gin. when i got back, i forced myself to throw up and walked over to her apartment. we sat on her futon and talked until 7:15am. i don't think i've ever talked to anyone that long in person. reminds me of that time in high school with the other jane {well, i guess this one will always be the other jane...} on the phone in bed until 5:30. same thing. this feels so much like that it hurts. hurts because i know how i'll end up, exactly how i'll ruin it all.

as it turns out, she doesn't feel the way i didn't know i felt about her. i didn't know what i felt but i was glad it was there. she was glad it was there but doesn't fall for people - or maybe just people like me, i'll never know. anyway, i was saddened a little simply because it felt wonderful to feel like i was supremely special to someone i could actually see myself in a relationship with. see, other girls have had feelings for me but none that i would ever date. so it didn't matter. this time it did, and i was sad to see it go. what frightens me is that i don't want to end up like another guy. a guy so torn up about her that he's causing problems for them both. she has to consider everything before doing anything. i don't want to be that guy. i want to be cool, calm, and collected. a real friend. since i can't be her boyfriend and all...

and do you know what? i do want to be her boyfriend. but only since i found out that she didn't have that in mind. funny how those things work, yeah? i'm not so afraid anymore of whatever it would take to get that accomplished, either. just a little too late... actually, i'm just jealous. i haven't felt this way since the original jane in high school. that sickening feeling that comes when you want someone to love you but they don't. that feeling when you see them hanging out looking happy with another guy. the one that makes you want to dig a hole and hide inside it for a couple years. until they move to australia or charleston.

i stalk around my apartment checking every two minutes to see if she's left me a message. i'm giddy when she does. i love spending time with her, just not with other people. the entire time i thought she was into me, i developed this kind of idea that she was mine, or should be. i can't quite let that go. tonight in the coffee shop, i was really looking forward to seeing her but when i was walking up to the door, i saw she was with another guy. i hesitated out of sight with my hand on the knob as if by postponing my entrance, maybe they would leave and wouldn't see me. i snuck in behind them anyway and spoke to my roommate behind the counter. after a couple seconds, it became clear that the two of them were there together and it wasn't just a chance meeting. i dropped my bags, looked elsewhere, and ordered a drink. walked by and spoke to other people. they were pretty much engrossed in themselves anyway. sean called a meeting to talk about spring break and i spent the entire time being accosted and looking at my shoes. when we all broke rank, i just stood there. they left. she said goodbye to sean and not me. the knife creaked in my ribs.

i decided to be sad and passive-aggressive {this is normal for me} and walked out the backdoor as soon as they left by the front. i knew they were driving and hoped they'd see me walking and wonder why i did. maybe i wanted to walk. i enjoy the cold... they passed about a hundred yards ahead of me and i don't think anyone saw. when i got to the building, they were walking to her door. his arm was on her back. they didn't see me. i made a plan to not look down the hall while i unlocked my door but they were gone anyway. i know they're just friends but it hurts because i'm myself.

i don't particularly enjoy being crazy, dumb, or jealous. but i am. it's hard to explain to people that if they're friends with me long enough i'll just disappoint them. she told me that she wants to know what's going on. i can't talk her away by telling her that miraculously, her image of me is still pretty much intact and that i don't want to break it. that i'm actually just a mess. that she should just let me pretend to be normal. i guess i'll have to explain myself to her eventually. she promises she'll like me no matter what. we'll see how long it takes me to sabotage that, too.

pessimistically yours...