i'm feeling like i've already lost a lot of friends. those high school kids could have been the best i'll find. for some reason i'm looking forward to life after school because of the people i might work with. i don't know why i'd feel that way but it's true. i think it's still based in the bermuda-dive idea. those people seem like fun.
i'll watch shows like scrubs that make doctoring seem like fun... i guess they also make it difficult. if only it was really that way in real life, maybe i'd be tempted to do more. i could still take the mcats, although i feel like i'm behind in almost every facet of getting accepted into a medical school. i'm not prepared to spend an entire semester wasting away studying for that damn test. my grades are fine at a great institution but everyone with better scores than mine still complains about them. the same people who have been working in the health field for years, who have connections everywhere... i've got nothing. i'm a perfectly capable, perfectly wonderful guy. that will get me nowhere. a band. i think i want to be in a band. that's maybe the most far fetched idea of all.
i get lonely every now and then. seriously depressingly down. just the need for another person. any sort of serious connection that validates you as a human being. one person is nothing. that's the definition of failure. the human race cares not about you. any reason to feel truly loved. somehow i can't get past the limitations i set... as well as the fact that i'm not being any little bit proactive in the matter. i have no idea how. no clue.
i hope the poem i posted was enjoyed by someone. i know it wasn't. i know nobody's seen it. i need to figure out some way to post all this on my old blog and block everyone from wake from seeing it. i criticized snow patrol today for being lazy lyricists. it's true. if you're poetic at all, you won't put the wrong em-PHA-sis on the wrong syl-LA-ble unless you really want to. they just don't give a shit. throw in random words just to make your lines work. words in the wrong places so they sound terribly wrong. you know, if you'd just try a little bit harder, put a little effort into it, you could write gold songs that actually deserve to be heard. oh well. lazy bastards.
i don't know if i've mentioned it lately at all but i love the decemberists. love them. love you colin. really just the crane wife album. but seriously, i love you colin meloy. that's where i want to be. touring with the decemberists. that's a life. i could die having been a bitch doctor without ever "making it" or i could do something i love but have no idea how to begin at. i guess it will end up being the latter... hooray.
i guess it begins with finding my people. the ones who don't make me sick of them so quickly. who are ok with the fact that i am who i am.
who i am.
who i am.
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