"even in his heart the devil
has to know the water level.
are you writing from the heart?
are you writing from the heart?"

~sufjan stevens



late night. dark room. headphones in. beautiful.

oh, great intentions. the last blog went sour. it will always hold a special place in my heart, it being where i learned to be a human being and all... time to move on. feel the illinoise. all that jazz.

a couple relatively unimportant things have happened recently. i found out i get to work with monkeys in my internship. i love my boss australian doctor. i bowled eight strikes in a row after a crappy first four frames. got a 213, my best score ever. started the next game with 2 more. that's right. 10. later on, another 208 with 7 straight, not including an assist from goob. i ran farther than i ever have before.

it's been getting beautiful up in here. autumn has finally found its way to the east coast. i always remember the moment, every single year, when the air is first crisp, cool. there's only one. about a week ago, i walked outside one morning and took it in. i love it. the dew on the grass is sticking around much longer, too. i need to go running some more.

i see emily around every now and then. it's nice being able to use names. i see emily kristina around every now and then. once, last week, i had to pee but the bathroom of the suite i was currently drinking in was in use so i thought i'd walk down to meghan's room and use hers. i knocked and, naturally, emily opened the door. i guess i should give her credit for not writing me up for being drunk but seeing as she's a pothead, alchy whore (i really have no right to call her that, but i'm not too worried about it right now), it would have been more than a little hypocritical. i went to the bathroom. they wondered why i didn't stick around but i joked about just using meg for her toilet and left. emily started talking to me again, reading my away messages, making small talk. she sent me a song i can't stop listening to. i don't know if it's because it's a good song or if it's just because it's from her. through some manner of mind-over-matter, i need to numb her down. she's a sensitive spot still, like annie. it's frustrating. annie's a whole different story. she's overreacting.

a couple days ago, i was walking out of reynolda, passed and waved to caroline, and walked up the left side of the quad. right behind emily and some other guy... i don't know why i can't just handle these things. i think i was scared she'd see me and i'd have to pretend some other way that i didn't see her. i cut off at campus grounds and headed back to the apartment a back way. argh. she hasn't tried to speak to me recently. i can't help but feel like i'm being unfair to her. that she just wants to be friends. still, meghan assures me she's in a sketch ditch this semester and i'm not gonna lie - her getting high and going swimming with random guys just isn't attractive to me. i guess that's the key with her and annie both: learning over time (a matter of years for me, apparently) that they aren't the people you love anymore. that will sink in eventually... i hope.

and still there are pretty girls. a cheerleader i kind of know through other friends i've gotten to speak to a couple times this semester. this overtly pretty girl she is friends with. both of them are in both my HES classes this semester, stats and phys. this other girl sits near me sometimes in phys. she's just composed as she could be, obviously intelligent as hell, pretty as well. we've never spoken. one girl in the stats class... my goodness. great body, short brown hair, really an understated kind of girl but really pretty just in that natural way. i think i'm more attracted to people like her. less makeup. less pretentious. maybe i feel like i'd have more of a chance with her. she's intelligent, too. i don't know what i'm expecting. someday it will hit me that i'm never going to get a date with anybody if i never speak to anybody. that looking cool in the back of the room is never going to get her to voluntarily start a conversation with me. it just doesn't work that way. somehow i know that but i just don't... it hasn't completely sunk in yet. not in a way that is going to make me change yet. it's sad, really.

couple of us went to ishi tonight. i ordered sushi for the first time and loved it. didn't eat too much, kept leftovers in the fridge. it's going to be delicious later. austin wore her black square glasses that i love. she seems like a really fun kid. doubt she has any interest in me, though. and anyway, she's short ;) oh fuck, two more. two girls i get mixed up every time i see them. only because they're never together... alli and steph. steph it sounds like is basically pre-engaged to this guy back home. she's still very down to earth and pretty. relaxed. alli is a bit more of a party girl but gorgeous. she's doing that annoying thing on facebook where she's married to one of her girlfriends so i have no idea if she has a boyfriend or not. go figure. at least we are on a speaking basis. that's a start i guess...

tonight was beautiful. i got to the green room late because i stuck around looking at cameras, lenses, and hats online. so many good concerts coming up, i want a film camera and a low fstop lens to take some shots i can believe in. still, i'd rather it all be digital. oh well. and an interesting hat to wear to places i feel like i should be interesting. anyway, the green room. morgan was there when i got there, patrick showed up after a while. we moved into the actual green room, out of the foyer. just the three of us. i guess it was just late cause i think we were all a little bit high. patrick kept finding entertaining passages in this book he was reading... written from some slave's perspective. "an interesting narrative" or something... poor guy just wanted to be called "jacob" but got stuck with "gustavus" instead. morgan fell asleep. before that, none of us could stop laughing at anything. we even had an entire conversation devoted to foreskin. i hope these are the things i remember when i think of wake.

first exam of the year in eight and one-half hours.

it was beautiful walking back to the apartment. i decided to keep the empty bottle of jones soda because the picture on the front was of someone taking film pictures. reminded me of fstop. after patrick dips in efird, i walk on past the chapel alone. i've got the bottle in my hand like a weapon, figured if anyone tried to hold me up, i'd just knock them out. the bottle was thick, a bit harder than i would have imagined. i held it like a bat, practiced bringing it down on thugs' heads in the shadows. i crossed the road towards the boonies. about halfway across, i changed hand positions. i didn't realize it earlier but holding it like a beer bottle, fist over neck, is even better. you can bring the bottom down on someone. it would be absolutely devastating. there's less wrist action involved. i got really excited by all this. i just wanted to destroy somebody, anybody, but there was nobody around. after climbing the stairs towards polo, i stepped forward with my right leg, raising my knee and bringing down the bottle on the fleshy part of my leg above the knee. it hurt good, twitched. i've got a fairly good masochistic streak that comes out sometimes. reminds me of when i cut myself freshman year. good times. i tried it with my left leg, covering my cell phone in my pocked with my left hand. harder. right leg again, left. i can't imagine what it much have looked like to a bystander. someone hopping and spazzing down the walkway, slamming a bottle into his legs. i love it. i had to try it some more when i got back to the apartments. just once more. again and again and again. i changed into basketball shorts inside. red marks all over. la la la lovely.

sleep first.

hello new blog.

goodnight.